In the afternoon my mother asks me if I like to keep her company.
She needs to pay some people a visit. Why does she ask me? I do not like to sit in the car it makes me feel sick us it's boring. She's not the mother who talks to me and I cannot talk to her. I am not allowed to leave the car. I have to drive along with her and wait till she's back. I cannot say I want to stay home, watch television, and don't want to be with her. I nodded and feel miserable by the idea. If those people make her angry she will punish me for it.
She says she will buy me clothes later. I don't want her clothes they are itchy and hurt me. They smell strange plus they do not fit me. I look like an idiot and everyone already looks at me.
I just sit in the car and touch nothing. I wait till she comes back and drives on. I have never been to those streets. A man knocks on the window and asks if I am alright. I lie again, I nodded, avoid the words, my eyes and face can't lie. My mother knows. She says she can read my face. It gives her a reason to hit me again. She doesn't like my face. Why does she ask me? She can ignore me. If she ignores me she can be happy because she doesn't see me. I will be glad too because I don't need to see, hear and smell her. I don't like her smell and I want to go home. I don't care if my dad sends me to bed early.
It's night and dark outside. The window is open and I step outside. It's a good night to end this all.
July 22, 2020
Wednesday
Dying
Fear
What sadness that the child feels bad, he cannot say yes or no to proposals from his mother, his body expression gives him away, his gestures say more than words ...