@thesotiris 6 September 2025 more from that month

How to Be Alone Without Being Lonely: Better in Solitude Than With the Wrong People

Often, you find yourself settling with people who are less than ideal for you; not necessarily beneath you, just misaligned with your values, principles, and virtues. They are incompatible with everything that makes you ‘you’. **Why we sell out** You reluctantly (and resentfully) make this concession — settling for the wrong people — so that you feel accepted and likeable, or at least receive a fake performance that you are. As you inevitably begrudge the people you settle with (at least subconsciously) for *your* desperate need to settle with them, so will they foster an underlying resentment for you, too, for the same reason. More importantly, you will begin to resent yourself for so easily selling out your expression of your true self, for dishonouring your defining essence, for burying your real identity under the LARP of a **false self**, a pretentious and fake persona, the indignity of which plagues you. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-false-self-tribulation-part-1 You suffer this indignity consciously because **you’re desperate for acceptance** — even from **impressionable nobodies whose opinion and approval mean nothing to anyone who matters**. It’s embarrassing and undignified to assume a fake persona, a performance, a lobotomised demeanour, just to be accepted by fake people, people who aren’t even right for you in the first place. You do this simply because it’s a numbers game: fakeness is abundant, and it’s convenient, just like McDonald’s and all fake junk food. Loneliness means mental and spiritual starvation; it’s not our fault that our inescapable nature demands us to be social animals. So much for **the illusion of free will**. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/free-will-oxymoron But I get it; loneliness is horrifying, enough to drive anyone mad. We’re all tempted to wear a likable mask, to censor and moderate ourselves according to what we believe will be more palatable to our subjective image of “the normies” around us. We pay **the ultimate price: compromising our values and principles** — the things that define who we are — on the altar of fitting in with incompatible others; others who probably sacrifice their identity too, as long as they get a false sense of “fitting in”. It’s **mental and spiritual suicide** in exchange for cheap, meaningless validation. What a bargain! **Self-reliance** Better to spend your whole life alone than to waste it with the wrong people. Better alone if that means keeping your integrity. Unwavering integrity means keeping who you are intact by staying true to your values, principles, virtues, ideas, and ideals. **Integrity means being genuine even if that comes at a cost**. Hanging out with people you know are wrong for you and you’re wrong for them, or worse, people you know are beneath you, undermines your sense of self-esteem. Why? Because you deep-down know you sell out your dignity and your essence so easily. And for what? The avoidance of loneliness? Friction with the wrong people will also erode your true self, who you really are. It slowly kills your soul with every fake interaction. Every time you sell out to the wrong people, y**ou chip away at your integrity and your identit**y, since you know consciously that you are settling for less, or for antithetical. You prove to yourself that you don’t respect yourself, that you are weak enough to give in to the pain of loneliness, and to mitigate that with cheap company. Then you’ll wonder why y**ou don’t know who you are**, and why you feel a **sense of purposelessness and meaninglessness**. Better to be alone if it means retaining your dignity by keeping your high standards for yourself. One of the highest standards is choosing to only be with compatible, like-minded people or with none at all. This commitment to principle validates your identity and grants you the kind of confidence and satisfaction that no faux friendship can. Also, consider the o**pportunity cost** of being with the wrong people. You might assume that a temporary circumstantial friendship might give you the confidence boost and networking ability to find like-minded people. But it probably won’t because you are misrepresented by the false people you surround yourself with. It is impossible for like-minded individuals to see the real you when you keep associating with people who aren’t like-minded. And even if those compatible with you *can* see the real you, despite the questionable company you keep, they will also see that you easily sell out for the wrong crowd. So, the more time and energy you spend with incompatible people, the more you lose your chances of being with people who are compatible with you. Finally, the more time and energy you spend with the wrong people, the more **you lose yourself**, allowing **the false self** to rise and consume you. Then you’ll have identity issues, suffering depression from not knowing who you are and what you’re doing. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-price-of-redemption **Bad love** One of the worst things you can do is settle for an incompatible **romantic partner** just because you feel middle age creeping up on you. Doing this out of fear of loneliness is an extremely selfish knee-jerk reaction to your fear of loneliness; it’s selfish because **you define the life course of another by settling with them, not truly loving them**. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-heartfelt-art-of-meaningful-relationships But settling with them is also self-destructive. Not only do you deny yourself — being disingenuous with yourself and with the partner who settles for you, too — but you’re also selfish in that you’ll probably bring children into this world to **parents** who don’t love each other, parents who’ll probably resent each other for having to settle with each other. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/narcissistic-parenting You condemn **innocent children** to the inevitable psychological issues that come from such bad parenting: existential issues, enmeshment, and trauma from being neglected, blamed, and abused as **unhappy, unprincipled parents vent their frustrations on their children**. And **by enmeshment, I mean the hell of a child feeling responsible for the parents’ misfortune**. Who gave you the right to take a life from the bliss of non-existence and force it into a doomed, traumatic childhood with loser parents like that? https://sotiris.substack.com/p/what-you-owe-your-children

**The takeaway** You are better off alone than with the wrong people. Your morality, mental health, and peace of mind require that. If loneliness is crushing you, understandably, there are strategies to mitigate its effect. Let’s be real: you never chose your inescapable nature, this nature that was imposed on you, this urge and need to be sociable and accepted by others like you. The goal is to be with like-minded people, but when that’s impossible, you can be alone without being lonely. How can you be alone without being lonely? Certain strategies can help. But it all depends on your mindset, your values, and the perspective from which you view reality. On an internal level, you can manage your expectations. Unrealised expectations of having a family or being popular can truly bring you hell on earth. Where did these expectations come from? Life doesn’t have any guarantees. Nobody promised you this. Life is overrated, anyway. And the universe is clearly indifferent to us. And what if you did succeed in having lots of meaningful relationships? How meaningful are they in a **meaningless world**? https://sotiris.substack.com/p/what-is-the-meaning-of-existence You can also appreciate the fact that the less you have, the less you are afraid to lose. Death doesn’t scare you as it does those who have more, and who are constantly plagued by the creeping fear that the clock is ticking, and every single person and thing they possess will be taken from them by entropy. Having is a prison. Not having is freedom. Appreciate this freedom, at least. On an external level, there are many more strategies to mitigate loneliness. The easiest strategy for battling loneliness is getting a pet: a substitute for humans that guarantees you love and acceptance effortlessly. Of course, this ease of acquiring love and acceptance from an animal makes it less meaningful. But it’s more meaningful than the questionable acceptance you get from fake people for being fake yourself. You can also frequent public places alone, without having to commit to specific people in deep relationships. This way, you feel a subtle and implied connection with the people you share the same space with, but without the emotional baggage from having to connect with incompatible individuals. Plus, there is nothing cooler than someone who has the courage, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency to go alone to a cafe, a gym, a bar, or a beach. And ironically, this is the best way to meet new people, people who will recognise your self-reliance for strength, and will thus want to be part of your life... as long as you’re not desperately expecting to meet people this way. And this is what it all boils down to: if you **desperately** ***need*** someone, you will never get their respect and acceptance. If you don’t *need* them, that’s when they respect you the most, because they sense your dignified self-reliance. It’s the law of scarcity: the more in supply you are (the more available and needy), the less demand there is for you. The more self-sufficient you are, the less in supply you are, because you don’t desperately make yourself overly available for just anyone. This intrigues the respectable people out there, those with integrity. It challenges them and makes them wonder if they are good enough to break your wall of self-reliance and connect with you. They’ll want to see if they are worthy enough for someone with obviously high standards. And we all want to be accepted, not by just anyone, but by people whose acceptance is scarce and thus meaningful. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/need-versus-want So, the less in supply your time, energy, acceptance, and emotional attachment are, the more valuable you become. Be careful where you invest your emotions and your attachment. The more you waste them on the wrong people, the less you’ll have to give to the right ones. Even if the right ones never show up — due to unfortunate logistics — you still retain your dignity and self-esteem knowing you never sold out. It’s not your fault that there are so few compatible people for us out there. **Stop blaming yourself**. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/excuses-vs-explanations-part- **In practice** **Be flexible** Yes, in theory, you shouldn’t compromise your honesty with yourself and your dignity just to avoid loneliness (you shouldn’t, if you wish to retain your self-ownership and self-esteem). But what can you do when you’re starving and the only food source available to you in a vast desert is a McDonald’s? You’re going to devour that Big Mac. You won’t enjoy it, you won’t cherish it, you won’t internalise it as one of your values — but you’ll unenthusiastically consume it, nonetheless, out of necessity. You’ll be consciously aware that you’re doing it out of necessity, without selling out to it. You can consume junk food (and junk company) out of necessity, but do it consciously, knowing that it’s out of necessity, and nothing more. This means you **don’t invest emotionally in people whose company is as circumstantial as yours is to them**. You keep your relationship with them superficial and formal, and you don’t allow it to get any deeper. You maintain boundaries, and you don’t open yourself up to them to the point of making yourself vulnerable and attached. You are simply a pleasant acquaintance to them, and you focus on the few common things you have with them: your profession, your hobbies, and your cultural appreciations. This means you can’t have a relationship with them that is beyond acquaintanceship. You can’t be their romantic companion, their confidant, their best friend, their mentor, or their apprentice. You reserve these roles for people who are more or less aligned with your values, principles, virtues, ideas, and ideals. And if you don’t find compatible people, it’s because of misfortune and poor timing (meeting them when you weren’t emotionally ready to meet them). You can leave those spots vacant. Who knows whom you’ll lose if you occupy them with the wrong person? Still, despite my entire premise in this article, it’s OK to settle with people…. I get it. Crushing loneliness can turn anyone mad… Just don’t settle with them deeply. You can still be yourself with them, to the superficial level you have in common. Don’t connect with them beyond your common values. And definitely don’t have sex with them: sex can get you attached without meaning. Don’t have sex with someone unless you really love them… not just feel hot for them. You’ll save yourself a world of pain. **Inescapable loneliness** Being alone all the time can easily send you down a spiral of crushing loneliness, an involuntary reaction of your psyche to one of the worst forms of torture it can face. Imagine: the punishment for hardened prison inmates is solitary confinement, something they dread. They’d rather spend their time with other criminals than be alone. It’s understandable that we try to avoid the risk of crushing loneliness at all costs, even by selling out our dignity, our self-esteem, and our well-being. Loneliness can erode all these elements all the same. So, there is no judgment if you choose to settle. So, let’s not be rigid and inflexible about this. “Better to be alone than with the wrong people” doesn’t mean you don’t socialise at all with anyone unless they 100% share your worldview. It means “value the company of good people, but also be compassionate to and tolerant of people who aren’t like you.” You don’t have to be too close with them, but you can maintain some level of non-committed connection. We all need it. **Dangers of being alone** Being alone all the time puts you in a vulnerable position against yourself. Even if you’re able to handle being alone, you are still prone to addictions and other distractions from the crushing feeling of loneliness. To distract yourself, you will be tempted towards instant gratification and addictions: for example, pointless social media scrolling, binge-eating, and binge-watching. You’ll avoid stillness, and you’ll be unable to be present and calm. To numb the pain of creeping loneliness, you’ll fall down a spiral of self-destructive, mind-numbing, soul-crushing behaviours like time-wasting video games, brain-rotting porn, dignity-shattering gambling, and soul-sucking video consumption. Even excessive nonstop music is an addiction. Even physical fitness, when it becomes the centre of your life, can be a mindless addiction requiring the sacrifice of all other aspects of living, including your self-esteem. Look at all these deluded “fitness stars” and tell me they have any dignity left from their desperate need for constant and increasing validation. **What you can do when alone** Ideally, if you choose to be alone rather than settle with the wrong people, you don’t have to be lonely. **Alone does not equal lonely, just like being with people does not guarantee you won’t feel lonely**. Ideally, you can be alone but surrounded by people. Seek public places where you have some minimal interactions with strangers. This way, you can feel some **sociability without the commitment**. Join a book club, a couple of different fitness classes, a pottery course, a watersports club, a dance studio, a writers’ group, or even group therapy sessions. Go to libraries or cafes to read. The buzz will kill the loneliness. Walk outside instead of spending time at home sitting alone. When outside, be mindful and present, focusing on experiencing every sound, hue, smell, and aesthetic. Feel the ground beneath your feet as you walk. Find a couple of cafes or pubs whose vibe is friendly and ambience relaxing, and where the staff are regular and happy to work there. A simple “hello” followed by a friendly quip is enough to make your day and help you feel connected. Suggest after-work drinks to your team or department. Socialising with co-workers can be surprisingly fun and non-committing, because you know your relationship is held in check by the professional boundary. You won’t invest too much in them to the point of compromising yourself. Do some volunteer work. Join a dragon boat, marathon, hiking, or whatever club. Enroll in archery, cooking, mechanical, and martial arts classes. Go to a public beach and read a book while enjoying the presence of other people from a safe distance. You can try online dating, but be extremely cautious: it’s one of the least realistic ways to meet people because you accept or reject them without having felt their presence in real life. Don’t keep your hopes too high with online dating. The point of being sociable, even though you choose to be alone, is to be around people who will passively and tacitly hold you accountable and hold you to a higher standard of being. When you’re alone all the time, you feel like no one is watching, and you can be as lazy and self-destructive as you want without being judged. But your own principles are the most meaningful judge. Sometimes, we need other people to bring our principles out in us. And the people who can do this the most are the best to be around. **Last word** I wish I could give you a magic pill that would solve loneliness or find you the right people to connect with. But I can’t. There aren’t many people who are compatible with each of us, and it’s a matter of improbable luck to meet them, let alone meet them at the right place and time when both of you are emotionally available. Don’t beat yourself up for not finding the right people. It’s not your fault. If anything, not settling for the wrong people shows that you have principles and you live by them. This is a rare and respectable quality, which makes you worthy of good people. The good people, if available, will sooner or later gravitate towards you, as long as you keep yourself out there, sociable, but not committing to just anyone.