@thesotiris 8 August 2025 more from that month

How to Be Liked 2: Connecting with people, effortlessly

You find yourself at a party, social gathering, work environment, or even simply in a group of friends, and can’t help feeling like you have nothing of interest to say. Even though you’d like to connect with the people around you, you don’t believe you have anything of value to say, and so you say nothing to spare yourself the humiliation of saying something forced, incongruent, or disingenuous. Still, when you see a gap in conversation, you seize the opportunity: you try an anecdote that falls flat, or you ask a question that comes across as interrogative, uninteresting, or intrusive. Icebreakers and pretexts to connect with someone are among the most challenging things to get right. They are also the easiest if you understand, not how to connect with people, but why you’re doing it. Connecting with people is needlessly hard only when you are selfish in your intent to socialise, when you are thinking in terms of taking value from people by connecting with them. We all instinctively do this, as social animals interested in maximising our survivability in a hostile world of scarcity. But we humans have the potential for higher cognition, one that brings self-actualisation and meaning. You know you are being selfish when your subconscious resists your conscious wants, when your moral compass forms a mental block, stopping you from making the move to talk to someone. If you’ve ever wondered why your anxiety physically paralyses you to keep you from talking to someone new, this is it: it’s your guilt for being selfish in why you want to connect with them. Sure, being a sociopath without guilt or compassion helps to connect — it’s why sociopaths tend to be popular and successful. If you are a sociopath, then stop reading; you have nothing to gain beyond this point. But if you’re not, keep strolling. It’s easier to be sociable when you are altruistic in your intent to socialise, when the only motivation behind wanting to connect with someone is to give them the value that comes from your acceptance, recognition, company, and friendship. Remember: communication is a give and take. If you initiate a connection with someone — in a professional, social, or even romantic context — then it is your responsibility to give first. Nobody asked you to connect, so you must make the first offering, if you want to be reasonable and accountable. Make it about them, not you. It’s not what you can get out of people. It’s what you can give them. It’s not what you can tell them about yourself. It’s what they would love to tell you about themselves.

Give an honest compliment to people about something they value, but also something that can’t be exploited, for example, you can’t ever compliment something sexual about them, because that objectifies them as a pleasure-giving device (be genuine though, don’t fake it. If you don’t truly think so, then don’t say. Everyone can potentially have something you like about them. Maybe their voice, accent or their preferential use of certain words. That opens up so many possibilities to discuss other topics like where they come from or what education they had, or what influences they had from the things they like. Or perhaps, judging from that characteristic of theirs, you can liken them to a popular figure. Given any interesting trait of theirs, you can also remark that they could hold a prestigious profession that is associated with that trait. Why not? It’s a subtle acknowledgement of their individuality. It’s worth noting that you can acknowledge people without flattering them too much. There’s a thin line between complimenting someone and sucking up to them. This means that you should not come across as needy and desperate for their affection. Again, if your motivation is to give rather than to take, then you’ll come across as dignified, coming from a place of strength and self-reliance, which makes your compliments all the more meaningful. You can compliment their tattoo and ask what it means. Then drill down further by enquiring what that belief means for them, and so on. If they seem enthusiastic to share, then any piece of information is a stepping stone to ask another question, this way showing your curiosity in them, and thus your acceptance and recognition. Again, if you are to acknowledge something about them, only do it if you truly like it, in this case. If you don’t genuinely like it, don’t pretend, because it will show. People, and women specifically, can detect disingenuous compliments. You can compliment their choice of car, and tell them it’s “so them” for such and such reasons. Ask what it is about that car that made them choose it, and see if it aligns with how you see it being the car for them. Match their choice of car, clothes, accessories, or even profession with a flattering trait of theirs, acknowledging to them that their choices validate their identity. This sort of validation is one of the most important things the human psyche needs. You can compliment their choice of fashion, if that stands out and if you genuinely find it interesting. Maybe let them know what style it reminds you of, or which movie character has a similar fashion (preferably a positive character). And then what? How do you maintain a healthy relationship with anyone? You keep enquiring about things they value. All relationships are about being interested in each other. Once the interest fades on either side, the relationship suffers. Remember, it’s not only about what they value but also how they manifest and experience it, and most importantly, why they value it: what it means to them, what it says about them, how it makes them feel. Warning: Make sure that your questions are genuine and respectful, and out of a genuine interest. Also, try not to sound interrogative, because bombarding them with questions might make them feel like they are backed into a corner, having to explain themselves to you. Read the room and try to discern whether they are interested in the conversation or not. Many times, people might respond negatively for random reasons: It’s not you or your line of questioning, but rather, they might be having a bad day, or they might be sick, or they may be mourning. And even if it’s because they don’t like you, then you lose nothing: **you just gain knowledge about who is not compatible with you, so you don’t waste time or mental energy on them**. **In practice** I’ve found myself in new work environments a few times. You spend most of your day with the same people, so it’s pleasant to have a level of connection with them. As a new hire, you quickly figure out who is a bit isolated and who has closer relationships with colleagues. You can tell the latter by their quips, their inside jokes, and their comfort level talking with each other. If you try to jump into the conversation without any background with them, you’ll be perceived as awkward and intrusive, no matter how polite or witty you are. So, all you have to do is show some interest in them to make that first connection and break the ice. Everyone craves to be regarded as interesting. “You are interesting” is by far the most meaningful compliment. You don’t have to vaguely say it; just show it with some honest curiosity about them. Here’s an example: In a recent work environment, there was a colleague who seemed very sociable with almost everyone in the department, but was timid and withdrawn with me, the new guy. I could tell from the way we typically exchanged “Good morning” that she wasn’t comfortable with me. Was it her fault? Not at all. It wasn’t my fault either, but it was my responsibility to connect with her, if I indeed wanted to. And I truly wanted to connect with her on a friendly level because it would make my day and hers more pleasant. Besides, I genuinely found her interesting: an exotic mixed-race young lady with a curious accent, an androgynous demeanour, and an ability to come up with witty remarks in response to work-related requests, plus friendly banter. She was funny, and the fact that she could hide her femininity made it easier to want to be her friend. So, one time at lunch, I called her by her name (people love the sound of their name) and asked about her arm tattoo that I honestly found interesting. I said it had gotten my attention, and I had found the pattern interesting. I asked if it meant something to her. That was it. We got into a great conversation about tattoos, asked to see mine (which I regret having), and she began including me in her conversations ever since. We even established banter and our inside jokes about healthy nutrition, and she even left me small chocolates on my desk as an occasional, funny tease. Not all such interactions can go well, though. I once tried something similar with a guy I thought would be interesting to be friends with, a DJ at a bar I was working at. I found him out of work at a cafe, greeted him and enquired about his music production, since he was known to edit some of the tracks he was playing (I was genuinely interested because that was something I was delving into at the time). He responded dismissively, with a cold, annoyed manner, as if I were bothering him. Either he was having a bad day, or he had already shaped a negative opinion about me before even talking to me. Both of those scenarios were fine, and people are allowed to be indifferent to or even dislike you, regardless of reason. But I quickly read the room, said “Nice talking to you”, and left. A year later, when I was managing a bar and hiring people like him, he came to me with a completely different demeanour: pleasant, smiley, humble, friendly, flattering. He complimented the bar, the music, and the vibe, and even my management skills. He didn’t show any genuine interest in me, though. So, even though he was a slightly better-than-average DJ (not great), I didn’t feel like I needed to give him a shot at the venue. And that was it. I wasn’t being spiteful, as I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and there’s something very satisfying about people repenting and discovering humility. But from my side, it didn’t seem like his attempt to connect was genuine. There was no honesty there, no bothering to see me as a person, what I valued and why. He obviously didn’t bother to see deeper into people, and his attempt to connect with me was just about him gaining the opportunity for a gig, nothing else. He only saw the superficial: people’s function (I was just a manager for him) and the opportunity that it represented for him (a manager who could land him a gig). **Key takeaways** **If you want to be liked by someone, make sure it’s because you like them first**. If you want to be liked to stroke your ego or to exploit their utility, don’t bother. People can sniff out, sooner or later, if you objectify them without appreciating them as individual personalities, as people with values, feelings, and distinct characteristics. These are what people want acknowledged. Unless you are willing to give first, don’t bother attempting to take. If you truly find something interesting about them, then enquire about it in a friendly, non-intrusive way (also not overly flattering). Try not to be interrogative or entitled to a detailed briefing about what you’re asking. Respect them enough to understand that they could be having a bad day or that they might find your questions overwhelming and a violation of privacy from a stranger. Be humble, and nothing can offend you. This is the way to maintain and even improve relationships you already have, even (and especially so) relationships you never chose, like the ones with family. It baffles me how almost no parent ever asks their children what those children are interested in, what they value, what they prefer, or what their opinion is about anything. There’s nothing more interesting than seeing things through the eyes of an innocent child, to hear them describe the world with e viewpoint free from the emotional baggage and trauma we carry. If you’re not interested, then why bother having a relationship with anyone in the first place? And perhaps, you can learn from children, who with such ease talk to each other and make friends with each other. Why? Because they have innocence. They don’t have ulterior motives, nor the suspiciousness and fiendish duplicity of adults, always running negative interpretations in our heads, examining worst-case scenarios, and expecting to be objectified and exploited by anyone talking to us. Children don’t have that. Even when children are being abusive to each other, they do it out of innocence because they aren’t aware of the trauma they are causing. Besides, abusive children are simply mimicking the horrible adults they happen to have as role models in their lives. It’s just roleplay for them, not an intent to cause pain to others. Adults do understand the pain they cause others when they are being abusive, yet adults still choose to abuse, and we make excuses for adults but not for children who deserve the benefit of the doubt (this is why our society is sick… it all springs from this, our attack on innocence and adults’ lack of accountability). So, if you want to be liked, be like a child in your interest in people: innocent and without ulterior motives. Show genuine interest in people and ***what*** they value, and ***why*** they value it. Most people will respond positively. And those who don’t, well, they give you another benefit: that of knowing who is not worthy of your limited time on this earth, and who isn’t worth losing sleep over not having in your life. They aren’t necessarily bad; they are just not compatible with you. And that’s fine. **P.S.** I often get asked the question: “If you know how to be liked, how come you are so unpopular?” The answer is that I wish to be unpopular with the impressionable masses that cheer for nonsense spectacles and cheap, snarky celebs. Remember when I said that your acknowledgement of people has to be honest? If I’m being honest, there aren’t many people out there I’d genuinely want to acknowledge and be acknowledged by. If I were acknowledged by the masses, I’d be worried about what that would mean for me. Yes, being fake can fool people into liking you, for a while. Fakeness does work with the impressionable masses (as we see with politicians, celebrities, and influencers). But it wouldn’t hold meaning for me. If I were popular, it would mean I’d either be part of the masses or (even worse) disingenuous. I can be liked, if I choose to, by the right people. The right people, unfortunately, are rare. And I am proud to say I am liked by some of the best people, online and in real life. That’s all the social proof I need: quality over quantity.