@thesotiris
more from that month
I don’t call you because... ...if you ever wondered why
It’s not because I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t call you because I think of you too much. I don’t talk to you because I don’t feel worthy of you, and I don’t need another reminder. I’m tired of being a moth to your flame, condemned to the temptation of what I could never touch. I wouldn’t know what to say to you, anyway. What do you say to someone you don’t feel you measure up to, who deserves better than to occupy the catacombs of your psyche? How do you break the ice when all you feel inside — all you are — is coldness? What would I offer you, anyway, awkwardness and a waste of your time? A feeling of soul-clenching negativity from my depression and unsettling regrets? Why would I burden you with what I carry? Why would I bring to you the storm in my mind and the emptiness in my heart? Why would I disturb your peace with nothing to offer but an overbearing weight that’ll drag you down with me? How could I have known I deserved your admiration when I didn’t even accept myself? How was I supposed to give you what you deserved when I had already surrendered my all to my demons? And I had a lot to give, believe me… what I could have been had I known there was a chance to make you smile. When I see you, I steer away, not because I don’t love you, but because I’ve loved you too much. I don’t talk to you because I was, I am broken. I didn’t, don’t measure up to you. I had believed the language of my abusers until I proved them right. That was my weakness. The gall of presuming to love you when I don’t even love myself… I don’t call you because I dishonour you by thinking of you, by loving you. TV
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