@thesotiris 26 May 2025 more from that month

"Just be yourself..." What does it actually mean? The simplest yet hardest-to-apply advice

It’s insulting how the most vapid advice, “just be yourself”, always comes to you when “being yourself” clearly isn’t working. What the heck does it even mean to “be yourself” anyway? You’ve been there before… You attend a social event, or a job interview, or you’re preparing to go talk to your crush. You want to make a good impression, but you’re troubled by a strong suspicion that you’re not good or impressive enough. “Yourself” isn’t worth the approval you desire. And it’s natural: we tend to want to be around people we consider better than us, unless we are hopelessly traumatised enough to seek being around toxic people in a self-destructive loop. Yet, if we consider others better than us, then naturally this implied comparison creates feelings of inadequacy in us. And this inadequacy makes us feel unworthy, like impostors punching above our weight. This realisation demotivates us and keeps us from reaching higher. Childhood trauma can exacerbate these feelings of worthlessness. You can argue why you feel you’re not good enough, by which standards you judge yourself, and how fair or realistic your self-judgement is. I bet that your self-condemnation is just the voices of your abusers echoing in your mind… caricatures of your abusers that you’ve innocently sketched in your mind, false figures that are often much worse than your actual abusers. Regardless… for whatever reason, you feel you aren’t good enough. And perhaps, you might objectively and realistically not be as “good” as the people you want to be accepted by. And it’s fine to feel this way: it means you appreciate high standards, which means you respect yourself. It also means**you’re noble enough not to seek the undeserved**, if undeserved it truly is. And this is why you are worthy of better people, even if you are not on their level yet: your nobility in humility, without compromising your self-respect. So take this self-respect with you, and keep it handy as I explain what “be yourself” actually means… “Be yourself” means be unapologetic and audacious about who you are, failings and all. As long as you are courageous enough to recognise and hold yourself responsible for your drawbacks, then you have nothing to lowly about, especially in front of good people who can show compassion to you. Whatever your social status, appearance, personal values, or whatever, one of the most attractive traits you can have as a human being is being OK with who you are, DESPITE your limitations, and without being apologetic or self-loathing about them. Yes, you might be a “loser”, whatever that means, but you’re fine with yourself, and you’re trying to get better regardless. In a room full of your “betters”, you will be appreciated if you show confidence and self-regard DESPITE your failings. Yes, you’re not the king, but you don’t care. Just look at those “betters”: They have self-regard because they have more going for them: money, appearance, status, position. Would they be as confident if they had as little as you? Would they respect themselves if they had your misfortune? Look at the**end showdown scene in the movie 8 Mile**where Eminem’s character wins precisely because he unapologetically admits his failings, which serves as a testament to his persistence in spite of them. He basically says: “*Yes, I am a loser, I don’t have what you have, but I’m still here in your face. And the same things that don’t bother me do bother you. What does that say about you?*” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xh1ROLEDyP4 This is what makes you strong, perhaps even better than your “betters”: the ability to hold self-regard despite your failings, and if anything, BECAUSE you have the courage to admit your failings and still respect yourself, still move on in life, seeking something better, to be with better people. Even your “betters” will appreciate this. Good people appreciate this. Note, however, that being unapologetically yourself does not mean fostering a deluded and undeserved sense of insecure narcissism, one that is so out of touch with reality that it turns you into a joke. Narcissism is masked insecurity, and it shows because a narcissist is afraid to be humble without compromising self-esteem. And the more twisted and subtle type of narcissist uses pretentious humbleness and the role of the victim to boast his moral “superiority”. It’s the same. A truly grounded individual is not a narcissist. Instead, he is humble in accepting his limitations, his vulnerability, without compromising self-esteem. You see, his self-esteem does not rely on the opinions of others, nor on circumstantial blessings, like the unearned blessing of good looks, or random opportunity that grants position, money, and status. The only thing that can harm your self-regard is your failing to adhere to your principles and values, the things that make you “you”. If you betray your values and virtues, then yes, you should be feeling bad about yourself. That bad feeling is your consciousness’s self-correcting mechanism. But that’s for you, your inner core self, to decide. YOU hold yourself accountable; no one else. And by “you” I mean your true, pure, innocent self, not the monstrously lying false self who only fosters self-hatred. The opinions of abusers who deliberately withhold their approval to manipulate you don’t matter. Nor do the cheap opinions of impressionable halfwits who don’t matter; especially not when they suck up to you, feeding your deluded ego, again to manipulate you. So, if being you isn’t working, don’t pretend to be someone else: you’ll come across as fake, and everything you do will be so obviously awkward and inauthentic. People will dislike you even more, and they’d be right to. Instead, be the authentic you, unapologetically. Yes, most people won’t like you, but most people don’t like most people anyway. If you are unafraid to feel, think, and act as your true self, without shame or fear of how you might be perceived, then the wrong people will hopefully dislike you, and right people will like you. And that’s a promise. Just be sure to appreciate the good people, the ones who value you for your true inner purity. Be sure to vet people: the right ones appreciate you for being the awkward, weird you. The wrong people will be indifferent or rude to you when you’re authentic. And the worst people will feign their approval to befriend you and exploit you. You can tell the latter by their whole outlook: first off, they have no social options, and they look desperate, so they are being fake towards you. They wouldn’t give you a second thought if they suddenly felt superior to you. Second, they don’t share your values, character traits, and most importantly, ideals. You don’t need the approval of such people. Their disapproval is a compliment. You owe them nothing. The good people, on the other hand, appreciate you because you share their ideals, values, virtuous, and principles. Their approval is a compliment. You owe them your commitment. So be you, unapologetically. It’s the best filter for people. And it’s the best way to be the true you, to know who you are and what you stand for. Be you, unapologetically.