@thesotiris 26 March 2026 more from that month

Give Yourself Some Credit: Exposing demotivators

Welcome to another self-therapy session where you get front-row seats to the Greek Tragedy of my being, and get to rejoice in schadenfreude over the show of my vulnerabilities, trauma, and insights learned from them all. **Personal story and context** One of the most life-defining experiences of my childhood was when, at 12 years old, I was honoured in front of the whole school as one of the top students (having received only grade As for the whole year, save for just two Bs). I received a special award (just a fancy piece of paper) and was applauded on stage in front of all the students and their parents. My parents were there too. I don’t remember feeling proud or anything — I was already **dissociated and detached** due to the traumatic home environment. On the way home, walking “as a family” and having nothing to say to each other, my mother decided to complain to my father: “*Say ‘bravo!’ to your son for his award*”. And his rehearsed response? “*If he wanted a ‘bravo!’, he would have studied harder. He still got two Bs. I will not encourage laziness*.” It didn’t surprise me to hear that, and it didn’t hurt in that moment. But the conclusions I drew from that hurt me more than he could ever hurt me. He thought he wasn’t encouraging laziness, but in reality, he wasn’t encouraging hard work. **Story of my life: hard work leading nowhere**. People like my father, with their insane militaristic mindsets (which betray their own crippling insecurities), believe that encouragement is somehow appeasement, and that emotional support somehow makes you complacent and inert. I knew this about his beliefs because he said so many times, always speaking about me, but never *to* me, when I was present. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-military-is-4 You see, **my parents subconsciously resented their children because they resented each other**, after having reluctantly settled for each other in an arranged marriage. We were just baggage that came along the way, the unwanted chains that held them unwillingly together in an unfortunate arrangement. And they were open about it; they told us this several times. They didn’t mind burdening their children with existential issues from a young age, on top of having to suffer emotional and physical abuse. But in that moment, when my father again denied me any credit when I knew I needed and deserved it, I realised I had **nothing motivating me** — no **positive feedback** to show me I was doing well, no validation of my identity as a “good student”, especially when it was hard being ridiculed at school as a “nerd” and a “softie” for my good grades. I had no reward for being a good student; only punishments. Just like all children, **I was biologically programmed to need my father’s approval more than anything**, as permission to have self-esteem — something I realised years later. And appeasing a perpetually dissatisfied father who deliberately withheld his exploitative approval to undignify and manipulate me wasn’t meaningful for me. I wish I had carried that sentiment longer, because needing my father’s meaningless approval would later destroy my life due to cripplingly bad choices. Desperately trying to earn the meaningless (in hindsight) approval of shitty people, while wrestling with the insecurities of your twenties, will hit hard. **Objection** “*Why are you still clinging to childhood trauma? You are an adult now. Get over it, already! You have no excuses*”. This isn’t a helpful objection. It lacks empathy and compassion, and it only serves to scorn further, rather than heal. And I believe in most cases, this objection has ill intent. Yes, I don’t need my father’s approval now. But when I desperately needed it, I didn’t have it, and it made an impact on me, gave me a certain direction, closed doors, and cost me relationships with good and rare people. The ripples and consequences of unmet needs I still have to struggle with today. https://sotirisraw.substack.com/p/the-trauma-that-defined-you There is such a thing as the butterfly or domino effect. There is learned helplessness, the accumulation of proofs of inefficacy, and the late start that guarantees even more failure. So yes, **you deserve credit for failing when you tried against all odds**. **The (de)motivator** Self-announced “motivators” will demotivate you harder than anything, just like the devil comes to you pretending he’s a saint. They put you down, smother you with over-accountability and toxic positivity that puts you down in comparison. They deprive you of your **extenuating circumstances**, and burden you with the ills of the world, supposedly to “challenge” you or to “toughen you up”. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/toxic-motivators-and-toxic-positivity https://sotiris.substack.com/p/toxic-positivity-motivation-grifters https://sotiris.substack.com/p/toxic-positivity-and-self-punishment https://sotiris.substack.com/p/excuses-vs-explanations-part-2 But as anyone who truly knows the scam of militarism, this bullshit, macho-bravado “toughness” doesn’t make you “all you can be”; it instead breaks you and in fact makes you ‘the most manipulable you can be’. Soldiers aren’t tough, physically or mentally. They are broken, submissive, and quite insane. For example, over-training without proportionate rest, nutrition, and emotional support doesn’t make you tougher; it makes you weak, dependent, and deluded. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-military-is-gay **Deflecting demotivation** I never wanted special treatment due to the tragic, truly tragic circumstances of my life. I only wanted to **at least not be condemned for them, on top of having to suffer for them**. Must be nice to have been born under great circumstances, which you conveniently attribute to your “free will“. Must be nice to be praised for your unearned, favourable environment on top of enjoying it. Must be nice to be spared the humiliation of being blamed for your misfortune on top of having to suffer it. Nobody’s looking for excuses or handouts. But don’t you fucking dare deprive me of my deserved explanations. I’ve earned them. You don’t get to take them away from me just because they threaten the narcissism of your supposed “free will”, your imagined credit just for being damn luckier than most. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-narcissism-of-free-will **Summing up** The worst demotivators come under the guise of a motivator. Someone screaming derogatory remarks towards you will not demotivate you nearly as much as someone pretending to want to help you, but deep down erodes your self-esteem indirectly. You see this all around you: https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-hell-of-endless-aspiration This **toxic positivity** designed to make you feel miserable by contrast. This **showing off** of “achievements” designed to make you feel like a failure by comparison. This **over-accountability** designed to blame you for the limitations of your environment and circumstances — over which you had no control — on top of having to suffer them. This **denial of encouragement and of acknowledgment of limitations**, supposedly to keep you challenged, supposedly to prevent you from feeling complacent, when in fact it’s designed to deprive you of positive feedback and recognition, and thus demotivate you. **Advice** **Give yourself some credit** for your failures, *especially* for your failures. You’ve earned it. Cut yourself some slack for failing; **it wasn’t your fault**. Give yourself a break because free will does not exist. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/free-will-revisited This means **you aren’t due any credit for your successes, and no blame for your failures**. **You are entitled to enjoy your unearned successes, and you are still responsible for your undeserved failures.** Enjoy your successes, but don’t claim credit for them on top of having the good fortune to enjoy success; that’s greedy. And delete from your life those who claim they want to motivate you by **depriving you of the empathy you deserve**… those who gaslight you to believe that their abuses and disrespect are somehow “tough love”. Generally, you should seriously consider deleting from your life anyone who uses the term “tough love” to get away with abusing you or others (especially their children). Do not be friends with people who think child abuse is somehow OK. And yes, “spanking” is a euphemism for creepy child abuse. https://sotiris.substack.com/p/the-cycle-of-abuse https://sotiris.substack.com/p/how-to-build-your-childrens-self https://sotiris.substack.com/p/dealing-with-child-abuse-in-the-absence Set your own standards — make your own rules — about what is considered dignified and successful, otherwise you will be **at the mercy of the standards set by others**, and you’ll be exploited by the rules of others; rules they lay down specifically to make you submit to them. https://lessonsfromregret.substack.com/p/how-to-resist-shaming ***“I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man’s. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create.”*** ***― William Blake, Jerusalem: The Emanation of the Giant Albion***