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Random thoughts: What's on my mind today?

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Written by   47
6 months ago

Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore. I lost one of the most important thing in my life which is self-confidence. Even before, I already know that I am a shy person who stay behind every corners. Since elementary to high school my cards remarks was always saying that I am so quite. I couldn't explain myself to others when they asked me why I was so quite? I also ask myself why? Why do I have this personality that ruin every opportunity I could have? I used to compare my self to everyone in my neighborhood even to my cousins, friends and family. They are all different from me. They have the courage in every aspect they do in their lives.

I remember when I was working in Nueva Ecija as a maid my employer ask me if I want to get into college. I was hesitant at first because of my personality but my mom said it was a great opportunity for me and if I graduated I was able to find a decent work and get a high salary. My goal at that time was to graduate and help my parents to change their living and support my siblings to their studies. But during the first day I am so nervous. I introduce myself but I feel like I was about to faint infront of everyone. I saw some of them laughing which give me more the feeling of coldness and it's humiliating. My instructor told me to calm down and take my sit at the third row seats. I was so lucky to have a friend right after that incident. One of my seatmate becomes my bestfriend. Day after day I learn to get along with my others classmate and I feel the warmth of not being a loner. I am doing good at school but I can't go outside alone or hang out with my friends when it is not for school. Simply because I have to do household chores as a maid and one of my uncle keep an eye for me that creeps me out. I can say that I was about to get something that can change my whole life but then suddenly something strange happened in a very unexpected ways. One of the person I trusted becomes my enemy and the person I hate the most. And that was him. The person who keeps an eye for me. I decided to drop out because I am not comfortable living with the same roof with the person I trusted that turns into a man who fall inlove with a wrong woman. I fear of something that might happens if I stay there. He told me that no matter how he tried to control and hide his feelings it turns the way out and it beyond his control. It was one of the most hilarious and terrifying experience I ever had. Hilarious because I never thought that it could happen to me and terrifying because I was thinking that he is out of his mind and I was so scared that somethings might happens.

After 12 hours of travelling I already arrive home safe and sound. Yes, 12 hours of travelling from Nueva Ecija back to my hometown, Tinambac, Camarines Sur. I am happy to see my family especially my mom but deep inside I was hurt. I just let it slide, the opportunity that everyone desires and the key to open and build up success and change our life. But I don't have a choice and I don't want to make things worst. So I ended up staying at home again and because of what happened I was so disappointed and start to go back to my old self. I am not saying a word if it is not necessary and sometimes I just nod my head. I am not talkative in person but you can count on me on chat or private message. Is it weird right?

I know it was hard for everyone to understand me but I cannot find a way to step out of my comfort zone right away. I always doubt myself that I can make it and when I try to change I feel like I am someone else. Most of the time people get the wrong impression about me for being quite but I am fine with it. I'm used to it. It was hard to resist oneself but I think, this time I need to change for better. Not only for myself but for everyone that surrounds me especially my own family.

I give special thanks to this platform because I was able to release some thoughts and make a friends at the same time. A friend that can understand even in my worst situation. Thanks to @gerl for keeping my heads up and insists me to use this platform. I am so blessed and thanks to you for guiding me how to start.

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Written by   47
6 months ago
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