Past Events Are The Burden Of The Present

I'm always confused by what has happened to me right now as if I'm back with a pretty gloomy past that drowns all dreams and almost drives me crazy when everything has to end with a sad story. As a human, it seems that I often can't stand the inner pressure of as if my eyes are drooping and my heart is sad when I accept the realities of life.

Today is actually full of peace when I return from church services but memories of the past are rushing through my body when I see someone who used to be my heart idol greets me from the car, He is already with his husband and child when I see his face still feels It felt stiff and I could tell he felt the same way. I feel very depressed, maybe because I haven't seen each other in a long time, as I recall, we haven't greeted each other in 5 years. I felt jolted when he called my name clearly like the first time we both knew each other and walked together but now things are different like a chick that has grown up and is no longer missed by its mother.

I also felt embarrassed during the meeting because beside him sat his husband because I wanted to show a sense of solidarity with them. I also gave him a return greeting but I realized that I didn't want to talk too long because everything had a limit. Deep down I said, why should I meet him today? maybe God will see my attitude to him but honestly my heart still feels uncomfortable when dealing with him face to face.

I often remember the advice of the elders that in order for life to return to tranquility and peace, we must make peace with ourselves means to let go with sincerity that really does not belong to him forever. Honestly, I'm the type of person who doesn't easily forget the past and will continue to remember it. This is what causes me to be a very difficult person to reconcile with my past life.

I sat at home leaning my eyes unblinking after the memory of the thought that took me back in 2017 burned my heart and made my body weak like an animal that lost its spine. I had time to say in my heart as my mind drifted, why me and him can meet and know each other if in the end disaster is the last answer.

But positive thoughts have changed me now maybe God doesn't want to see me suffer because of past memories. As someone who was once loved I feel proud because now he is living happily maybe if he is with me I can't guarantee he will be happy because I also know that God's life partner problem also has a role to show who will accompany me but my experience has teaches that the story of my past has become the burden of my life today.

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