The Mechanics of Friendship: Why Do I Struggle with Keeping My Friends?
It is something that never fails to bug me everytime. Whether I am in between being busy or in times when my mind is at rest, such question keeps on popping up over the top of my head like some lightbulb of an idea... because why in the earth do I struggle so much with keeping friends and keeping my social circle intact?
Firstly, I know that I am one of the biggest introverts out there. But, I also know that despite that, I was born with a sliver thread of skill on how to make friends with other people or igniting conversations first. I have met lots of people for the past years of my life from personal interactions and even online. And although I have had my fair share of tough times trying to put myself out into the world, most experiences went well, even better, than how I expected them to be.
Hence, why do I struggle and sometimes even fail to keep people in my life and keep some friendships last long?
I believe this all has something to do with my emotional unavailability. And this unavailability of mine I believe stems from the challenging familial structure that I am still trying my best to outgrow and free myself off. And this painstaking process makes me feel that I can never fully present myself out there to other people and it is true that others do not deserve halfhearted parts of me while they are willing to give their all.
Because social connections go two ways. And one can never flourish when one of the parties cannot meet the other at the halfway. I believe I still have so much fixing and understanding of myself that I know I need to do before it is the right timing to finally choose to decide to walk side by side with another person. And above all else, all I ever am sure of is that that time is surely not today. However, it does not mean that I do not crave the care, affection, and attention, because most days, I really do. But there is always more to the threads of human connection that goes beyond our need for love. And I always see that.
Thus, to all the persons that I felt wished to be part of my life and to those who even tried to get in, I see you. And I really do appreciate you. But I can never be true to the world if I am not one for myself first.
(Thanks for hanging around up to this far. I wish you all the love and the good things in the world. xx)