@lonestranger 12 April 2022 more from that month

Upon Pondering It's been weeks but here I am, writing an article again while sitting on my wooden bed with a calm song played in the background. Bizarre. I always hate music whenever I'm focusing on something specially on academic works because I find it really really distracting. Challenging myself huh? Well, what I want this time is to express my thoughts without trying so hard to deliver them in an impressive way. Like to be me and what I can only do! I'm not sure though if I really did excellent ones during those days but that's what I felt to be honest. I've just always been trying hard, maybe because people around me expect I'm good at it since they have witnessed how I won various competitions. I'm not, ironically, so the pressure always suppresses me. Hello? Can't people change? Like can't they be one of those once in a lifetime achievements only? Not because you excel on a certain thing, means it's what already who you really are. No. I may won some writing competitions but that doesn't mean that I can always create new and more importantly excellent ones. Watching movies has been my hobby these past years and sadly, I don't know how to say it but the wonderfulness of the movies is where I usually focus at. I don't notice the essence or lessons, just as long as I'm enjoying is what matters. My english vocabulary are limited and I'm low-key suck at grammar. I sometimes run to my siblings to see if I'm right given that they're absolutely good at it. I am always having a hard time in writing poems, essays, or even songs. My mind used to be a mess because it turned out that the goal most of the time is to make one that sounds clever and beautiful. I'm crushing my brain! Haha. Thankfully, I was able to surpass such and create one. But yeah, by struggling or stress. A great and relaxing breath pays it all after and funnily, I read it over and over again appreciating the hardwork I had and I love doing that. I believe everybody can make their own. But I realized that I was just really always been fitting myself to meet up their expectations and to avoid disappointments. I hate it when other people hate me. They're making me feel useless and belittled that I hate myself too. I'm a cry baby by the way, haha but I don't let other people see that's part of me. I just act tough then silently cry it all to God. Thanks to Him my loneliness and pains fade. He's been my comfort and my rest and I can be me whenever I talk to Him. No lies, no secrets. What confused me more is that there is always this feeling of excitement or joy when people talk about such literary works. But then, I always really end up struggling to compose some. Can anybody enlighten me please? A lot of my friends come to me to help them in their school works. I'm always shy and worried of saying 'No' because they might misunderstood me for being selfish. Rejecting them makes me feel bad for real especially when they act like they are disappointed. What if they are already backstabbing me? Most of the time, they ask for help amidst a critical situation but I still usually help them. This is also the reason why my anxiety get worse. Yet, as long as I can encourage myself to accept failures in life, I can confidently bear it. Today, I am trying to stop living at other people's expectations and let all that I do come out naturally and wholeheartedly. I hope you do too. :) Owe you big time!

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