My "totga", the one "that got away" story 💔💔💔

September 29, 2021

I don't know why but she was so kilig @YourGirlNana when we talked about "totga" or having someone that "got away". Sabagay, nakakakilig naman talaga ang mga love stories, lalo na yung mga bitin, ang mga hindi nagkaron ng label. Bakit kaya?

This is a "totga" story of a boy and a girl who lived in different worlds. Not because he is a Muslim and she's a Christian because he's rich and she's not. Heaven and earth, oil and water: that's what we were.

When I was in college, I belonged to a strict and conservative religious group, kind of like the Muslims. I think it's one of the reasons he liked me. I wasn't pretty compared to the girls on the campus, nor tall like a beauty queen, but I was popular and smart (daw).

I met him when he became my classmate in one of my major subjects. He was tall, lanky, and had a fair complexion. He always wears his sexy smile, he's got dimples that made him look cuter. He's smart too, and he plays both basketball and volleyball. Let's call him Adi.

Alam mo yung may "connect" talaga kayo? Like you both feel it but you just can't express what it is? That's what we had. I remember the time he looked at me while dancing during our acquaintance party. I was a sophomore then. I didn't mind it though. He gets whoever he wants, he's got the money, the influence, and the fame.

When I was in 3rd-year college and he was graduating, the cheerleader became his girlfriend. We were on the same team, torture lang di ba? My heart sank, broke into pieces. When I saw them holding hands, I hurriedly crossed the road, almost hit by a car, and got yelled at by the driver "Dai, gusto ka magpakamatay? Ayaw pandamay!". The driver said I should not bother anyone if I wanna die. I couldn't understand the pain of what I've witnessed. Di naman kami, so bakit ako affected? Ay, may mali.

But we did have our "moment". It was only me and him in the office during our sports fest. I was typing on the keyboard and he was sitting closely next to me. He put his arms around the chair. We were that close. I could feel his heartbeat, his breathing his masculine scent. I didn't want that moment to last. Only to be disturbed by his close buddy with an interrogating look. Why, oh why? I wish we could sit like that forever.

I wish he told me how he felt. But he kept on having a relationship with other girls, he even got into trouble having an affair with a married schoolmate. Sigh...

But despite the lack of conversation, I knew I was special to him. He often visited the campus after he graduated and even attended our culmination day. We still didn't talk about our feelings towards each other though. We only said our "hi's" and "hello's."

Then came 2011 when we finally had the communication. We decided to meet at High Street, Bonifacio Global City.

We talked about our college life, what happened after graduation, our classmates, etc. While we were sipping our frappe at Starbucks. He even asked why I am no longer conservative. Funny, he asked about my religion. Then we went to watch a movie. He proposed that we go to Saudi Arabia. I wasn't ready to leave the country. It could have been a wise decision. Then he said, "Our classmates are now married, have their families, and babies. We should make one!". I said, "Are you crazy? I'm not ready yet". He kept on talking about it just to confess that he's getting married in a week. The nerve, he even invited me. My heart got torn apart, again. I just didn't have the courage to ask him why he likes to hurt me.

And 2 years after our first meeting, we went on a date in Glorietta. I had king crab while he was just looking at me while eating. We didn't talk a lot. All he said is that he liked my dress. I think I was manhid. Obviously he liked me, why on Earth would he spend his time and money with me if he doesn't? I was so tanga. And I wished I kissed him on the cheeks before I alight from the cab in Guadalupe. Who knows we might kiss on the lips.

We still texted each other even after that night. He went home to Mindanao while I continued working at BGC.

Then I decided to have my 2-day leave last September 2016. I told him that I'll be going home and we'll meet.

So we did. We had a good talk and "alam mo na". He doesn't seem to be bothered about marrying and breaking up. It looked so easy for him. Maybe because they have divorce while we don't. He told me that he married a Christian girl and they have a daughter. But she left him and went overseas. He said that he tried his best to provide for his family but still the girl's family wanted her to pursue her career. He had no choice but to respect her desire.

I was once again, hurt. I couldn't tell him how I feel that moment. I wasn't okay with him marrying. I felt like I was his mistress. I didn't care if they were separated. I wanted to fight for my emotions, for us, but I was afraid that I wasn't enough for him. That I am just a poor woman who adores him and I don't have any riches to show his family. My insecurities got the best of me. I wanted us to become a couple but it seemed like it's so chaotic.

Was everything my fault? Should I have been open and honest? Do you think he might have wholeheartedly accepted my situation?

"Take care of yourself", those were the last words I uttered before we parted ways. And we never met again anymore. 💔💔💔💔💔

I dream of him from time to time. I don't want to be called a cheater because I still think about another man while being committed. Maybe we need closure. We both need to move on by accepting the fact that there can never be an "us". In another life, maybe. And I am not sure if he is married but I am pretty sure he's got a son from another woman. He posted the baby's pic on FB. And I got my own family now too. I might not be married yet but I need to focus on the present rather than live in my past.

I have to bury my "ifs" and "buts". And I got to let go and set free the memories with my "totga" because it's the right thing to do so.

My friends, I am relieved that I am finally able to pour my heart out about this "love" story of mine. Thanks, @YourGirlNana because it will help me close this chapter of my life.

What could have happened if ipinaglaban ko ang feelings ko sa kanya? How can I face his family? It really does matter to me, ayoko kutyain ang pamilya ko kahit mahirap lang kami. Or pinangunahan ko ba ang judgement ng family nya? How can I not? They are one of the most influential families in Mindanao. You be the judge.

P.S

To Adi,

I hope you will find the "one". I wish you all the best.

To my sponsors old and new: thank you very much, as always.

To my friends and co-authors, I appreciate your time and your kindness.

You all inspire me to do my best.

Cheers,

Ngotngot ❤️❤️❤️