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It has been 6 years of marriage and I suddenly felt like I do not know the meaning of love. I start thinking that the reason my marriage was not allowed to bless in a church is that my husband and I are not meant to be together.
I remembered the question a nun asked me before the marriage.
"Do you sincerely love him? Are you sure you will not regret this?" At that time, I was extremely confident that I will not regret my decision to love him.
People said that a blessed wedding is a reason for marriage to last until death. Yet, divorce still happens. Sometimes I thought that God does not allow me to have a blessing in marriage because He knows that we are going to break apart in the future.
Some said that people deserve a second chance. Perhaps I am wrong to marry someone else husband even if they are divorced. Perhaps I am supposed to save that wedding instead of being the replacement after the divorce.
They got it complicated between them and now I am stuck in the middle of that problems. They got children. Those children need to survive but I barely survived myself. I am still struggling financially. Perhaps they do not need me but I still feel the burden of responsibilities.
I guess it serves me right for choosing the wrong spouse. Did I?
I got a beautiful and amazing daughter with him. If I chose wrong, why do I feel extremely blessed to have a daughter with him?
I have long faced the fact of not having a church wedding and I am alright with it now. It is no longer my priority. My previous dream wedding is ruined and it is my fault. I don't care but others care for me. It's not like that having a blessed wedding will change the life I am having with him now.
It will not change the fact that I have been extremely hurt in a way, mentally. My mind is crowded with uncertainty.
To make sure we can pass an exam, we keep on reading our notes or textbooks until we are capable to remember all the things we read. Then if I am repeatedly told that I do not love him sincerely, will my love be gone? Or perhaps become fake and unreal.
What is it that I am feeling then? Why did I go through all the hardship just to make him happy even though I think I often failed. I believe I am self-independent regarding things I want for my future. If I said I am going to make it happen then I make it happen without waiting for him to give his say. I guess that happens because I am the firstborn daughter in my family and responsibilities fall on me since I was 16 years old. I cannot be dependent on him if I feel like I can do it on my own.
Whichever it is, marriage is meant to last until death. It does not matter what others say. Importantly, is what both of us think and want for ourselves.