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but if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt...
But if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt, don't tell me that you love me. Love should make you feel confidence and not insecurities.
If you keep on questioning the way I love, then you don't really love me at all.
Lastly, don't build me up just to let me down.
Let me be dramatic for once. Wait, is this the first time? I am not sure but anyway, let me have this moment to be emotional. I want to feel pain and a pang in my chest because they said experiencing pain means we are alive. In connection, I want to be alive so let me feel the pain that I am about to create in mind. You might think this is true to life or else just a fiction. Well, I am leaving the verdict on you, guys. It's up to you to judge.
My heart has a mind of its own. No matter what and how I tried to dictate myself that I should fall for someone else, my heart still chose you. Some people said that maybe what we have was just an infatuation and someday, somehow, we can get over it as we grow. Yes they are right. That was just an infatuation for YOU and what we had was totally forgotten by YOU. Oh well, I cannot blame you for what happened because it was my decision as well. The decision which I tried to say but I did not expect that you would make it real.
You just build me up to let me down.
You came to me without being told. You stirred my sanity and took it with you when you left. How could you be so selfish to take what I only have? Bring my sanity back, you greedy!
Don't you remember I was just at the gymnasium enjoying my rest after our basketball practice? And you came to me. Handed me towel though we did not know each other. I thought that you were one of the kidnappers dressing like a student and when I take the towel, there's a scent on it which can made me sleep.
"Who are you? What's that for?" - I asked
"Take it and do anything you like to do about it." - She replied
I just ignored her and wiped my sweat with my jersey. But she spoke again.
"To refuse an offer is an insult." - She smiled after saying this.
And her smile lighten the whole gym making me shrug my head and fix my gaze to something else. I just said thank you and she left. I wiped the towel all over my face and I saw a word there printed on the towel.
"Rafael" I mumbled. How can she gave me a towel that's from her boyfriend? Weird girl.
The day after tomorrow, I saw her again in one of the bleachers around the field where we are having a football. She was waiting for someone. Maybe it's Rafael. After our game, I sat and about to drink water but she stopped me by getting the bottled water from my hands and gave me Gatorade instead. Naughty! I just drank it because I was really thirsty. She sat close to me and there I saw her I.D. and realized that Rafael was her name. Unusual.
Rafael started talking that time. She talked about her life and her plans. I automatically responded to her because my system told me I should. She was also smiling while talking which made me feel so comfortable with her.
Days went by and our closeness was intensified. We were always together when we have our breaks and during night time, we will fill each other's inbox. She became my bestfriend and human diary. I am not a serious type of person but with Rafael, I became one.
I also did my best in my academics because she said she prefers guys who's good in academics. From being the top 20 in class, I became top 11. Isn't that achievement aleady? Yes it is. I also let my family know about Rafael and she has been here at home many times. We used to hold hands as well when we rode a bus on our way home. Everything was like boyfriend-girlfriend thing but without a label.
Our hands separated when she reached their home. She bid goodbye to me but she left her notebook so I tried to call her but the bus already moved. As a result, I brought the notebook with me of course. I was at home already so I texted her. She did not respond unlike the usual. I got bored so I get her notebook and tried to see what's inside. It's her diary. No, I should not bother see it but there's a photo that fell to the floor. It was a photo of a man and her looking so in love. I just ignored it because we don't have a relationship at all. When I was about to place it in one of the pages, I see my name written on it so I read that part. She wrote there that I look like her ex who's faraway from her now. Because of me, she felt like she was still with her ex but her feelings towards me was not the same as what she had to her ex. She also wrote there that she still doubted what I felt for her because because she felt like she was just a friend for me. Wow! After all those times how could she say that. I did not finish reading the diary after I read that she still love her ex.
I don't know what got into my mind after that but one thing is for sure - I don't want to see her. I wrote at the back part of the page my response to the diary.
I told her to just stay away and why did she build me up just to let me down. I am all in! I was falling faster. Lastly, I told her this:
"But if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt, just stay away and don't come near me. I don't want to love you anymore. From the start, I never thought I would say this. You should be the one to stay away because I know I can't. You come to me first so leave me first."
I closed the notebook/diary when suddenly my mom called me and told me someone's there looking for me. I went to our door and saw her. it's Rafael. She's still wearing her uniform and her hair was messy. It seems like she's in a hurry going here for me not to read her diary. Too late, girl. I folded the page where I wrote and handed her the diary. I did not let her say any word. I closed the door as well as my heart.
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