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but if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt...

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Written by Β Β 73
1 month ago

But if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt, don't tell me that you love me. Love should make you feel confidence and not insecurities.

If you keep on questioning the way I love, then you don't really love me at all.

Lastly, don't build me up just to let me down.

This is going to be my fave photo for it represents my mood all the time lol

Let me be dramatic for once. Wait, is this the first time? I am not sure but anyway, let me have this moment to be emotional. I want to feel pain and a pang in my chest because they said experiencing pain means we are alive. In connection, I want to be alive so let me feel the pain that I am about to create in mind. You might think this is true to life or else just a fiction. Well, I am leaving the verdict on you, guys. It's up to you to judge.


My heart has a mind of its own. No matter what and how I tried to dictate myself that I should fall for someone else, my heart still chose you. Some people said that maybe what we have was just an infatuation and someday, somehow, we can get over it as we grow. Yes they are right. That was just an infatuation for YOU and what we had was totally forgotten by YOU. Oh well, I cannot blame you for what happened because it was my decision as well. The decision which I tried to say but I did not expect that you would make it real.

You just build me up to let me down.

You came to me without being told. You stirred my sanity and took it with you when you left. How could you be so selfish to take what I only have? Bring my sanity back, you greedy!

Don't you remember I was just at the gymnasium enjoying my rest after our basketball practice? And you came to me. Handed me towel though we did not know each other. I thought that you were one of the kidnappers dressing like a student and when I take the towel, there's a scent on it which can made me sleep.

"Who are you? What's that for?" - I asked

"Take it and do anything you like to do about it." - She replied

I just ignored her and wiped my sweat with my jersey. But she spoke again.

"To refuse an offer is an insult." - She smiled after saying this.

And her smile lighten the whole gym making me shrug my head and fix my gaze to something else. I just said thank you and she left. I wiped the towel all over my face and I saw a word there printed on the towel.

"Rafael" I mumbled. How can she gave me a towel that's from her boyfriend? Weird girl.

The day after tomorrow, I saw her again in one of the bleachers around the field where we are having a football. She was waiting for someone. Maybe it's Rafael. After our game, I sat and about to drink water but she stopped me by getting the bottled water from my hands and gave me Gatorade instead. Naughty! I just drank it because I was really thirsty. She sat close to me and there I saw her I.D. and realized that Rafael was her name. Unusual.

Rafael started talking that time. She talked about her life and her plans. I automatically responded to her because my system told me I should. She was also smiling while talking which made me feel so comfortable with her.

Days went by and our closeness was intensified. We were always together when we have our breaks and during night time, we will fill each other's inbox. She became my bestfriend and human diary. I am not a serious type of person but with Rafael, I became one.

I also did my best in my academics because she said she prefers guys who's good in academics. From being the top 20 in class, I became top 11. Isn't that achievement aleady? Yes it is. I also let my family know about Rafael and she has been here at home many times. We used to hold hands as well when we rode a bus on our way home. Everything was like boyfriend-girlfriend thing but without a label.

Our hands separated when she reached their home. She bid goodbye to me but she left her notebook so I tried to call her but the bus already moved. As a result, I brought the notebook with me of course. I was at home already so I texted her. She did not respond unlike the usual. I got bored so I get her notebook and tried to see what's inside. It's her diary. No, I should not bother see it but there's a photo that fell to the floor. It was a photo of a man and her looking so in love. I just ignored it because we don't have a relationship at all. When I was about to place it in one of the pages, I see my name written on it so I read that part. She wrote there that I look like her ex who's faraway from her now. Because of me, she felt like she was still with her ex but her feelings towards me was not the same as what she had to her ex. She also wrote there that she still doubted what I felt for her because because she felt like she was just a friend for me. Wow! After all those times how could she say that. I did not finish reading the diary after I read that she still love her ex.

I don't know what got into my mind after that but one thing is for sure - I don't want to see her. I wrote at the back part of the page my response to the diary.

I told her to just stay away and why did she build me up just to let me down. I am all in! I was falling faster. Lastly, I told her this:

"But if you are looking at me with a heart of doubt, just stay away and don't come near me. I don't want to love you anymore. From the start, I never thought I would say this. You should be the one to stay away because I know I can't. You come to me first so leave me first."

I closed the notebook/diary when suddenly my mom called me and told me someone's there looking for me. I went to our door and saw her. it's Rafael. She's still wearing her uniform and her hair was messy. It seems like she's in a hurry going here for me not to read her diary. Too late, girl. I folded the page where I wrote and handed her the diary. I did not let her say any word. I closed the door as well as my heart.



Hello everyone! If you have some useful tips or guide which can help me improve, you can let me know in the comment section. I may not know all about you now but I am eager to know you deeper. I will work hard so I can be like the amazing writers here. I have talked to some people and they are all amazing.

Thank you so much for reading! Comments are very much appreciated. Same appreciation goes to my upvoters and kind sponsors. Again, this is gwapojohn at your service. πŸ˜‰ Let's get connected!

Photos are taken from Unsplash.com

|09132021|

@gwapojohn

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Written by Β Β 73
1 month ago
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Comments

Pinagdadasal ko na sana may part 2 ito. Hehe. I knew from the start that Rafael was her name. Hehe. The moves ni ate girl sa pa towel. Hahaha.

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2 weeks ago

Sorry pero napakamta ako ng build me up, butter cup. Wala e ganyan talaga sa love, niremind moko dun sa binasted ko na super may gusto talaga sakin 🀣 2 years nanligaw eon o more kaso may trauma aKo sa lalake. Welp, diko pinagsisihan kasi nakikita ko namanv masaya sha.

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Grabe naman yunh 2 years tas di binigyan nv chance grabe ka manang

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1 month ago

Kinausap ko nasya noon manong tungkol dyan pero pinursue nya pa. May trauma kaso ako sa lalake manong kasi biktima akl ng sexual harassment nung bata pa. Until now dikopa nalilimjtan kaya ganon, masaya narin ako para sakaniya kasi masaya nasya heheheeh

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1 month ago

Owww sorry. May history pala kaya nagkaganon

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1 month ago

haha that face that mood that is simply brilliant! That was you? You seem to attract the ones not good for you!

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1 month ago

Yeah, I like that face very much. Ouch, why does it hurt so bad

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1 month ago

Hmm seems you attract the witches !

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1 month ago

Oh man! How can i make them disappear then

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1 month ago

Visualise the type of woman you want and keep thinking that, hopefully you will send good vibes

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1 month ago

Thanks, will do this 😁

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1 month ago

Pain! Love story na eh. Olats pa. 😒

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Okay lang po yun sakin. At least may natutunan ako

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1 month ago

Ang sad naman. Totoo ba to? Baka naka move on na siya and love ka nya talaga, nangyari lang na nakita mo yung dating diary nya.

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Baka nga. Hehehe! Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagmadali agad ako. Siguro hanggan dun nalang talaga

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1 month ago

Why nag conclude agad ee ni hindi pa nga nababasa hangganh huli. What if, just what if sa una lang ganon. What if habang tumatagal nakikita na nya ang difference nyo ng ex nya. Ay ambot, bitinnnnnnnnn. Beke nemen may kadugtong pa πŸ‘‰πŸ‘ˆ

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Ewan ko nga rin ms. Ruffa. Hahaha! Nagmamadali kasi eh. Ay ambot bisaya ka po? 😁 Baka nga may kasunod

$ 0.00
1 month ago

Malay mo may kasunod pa. Sana mag kita kau ulit. Pero di ka naman nasaktan ata ng sobra ee so baka pag nagkita kau walay na din yan.

Di ako bisaya, nakikigaya lang me wahaha.

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1 month ago

Sana nga magkita kami ulit para malaman ko estado ng puso ko hahaha Ay kala ko pa naman. Bisaya kasi ako haha

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1 month ago

Tingin ko naman naka move in kana sa kanya. Sana all bisaya, magulang ko bisaya pero di ako natutong mag bisaya saduu

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1 month ago

Move on na po. Hehe! Bakit naman? Paturo kana hehehe

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1 month ago

Maigi yan, mahalin mo nalang muna self mo hangganh tumandang binata ka. Chorrrr wahahaha. Tama na ako sa tagalog at kunting engols at kunting words from other language

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1 month ago

Hahaha korekkkk

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1 month ago

Ouch ang sakit naman nito. Life story mo ba to John? Baka in the first meeting palang nya yun sinulat then nagbago ng tumagal. Cguro love ka na niya talaga or what we call this she's inlove with you already from the time na may closeness na kayo...

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Depends on how you perceive it, ms. Ramona. Baka nga pero sabi nya kasi mahal nya pa ex nya eh ano laban ko dun

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1 month ago

Kaya nga John.. baka masasaktan ka lang din kung itutuloy din...

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1 month ago

True. Marami pa namang iba

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1 month ago

Why do you build me up, butter cup baby, just to let me down? Hahahaha makakanta man pod ta oy. Pwede naman nis ka maam Sybill na creative writing haha

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1 month ago

Hahaha maolge drama. Hahaha di kapasar sa creative. Writing ra

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1 month ago

Ouch! That hurts! You closed that chapter so soon, but it may have been the best decision, rather than pretending or hoping that things between you will get better. Who knows, one day, you will meet again :)

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1 month ago

Better close it early than find myself drowning because of false hopes. I don't wanna get hurt because of love. Maybe, and I am sure my feeling are gone when that time comes.

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1 month ago

Hehe takot ka pala masaktan :D

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1 month ago

Naman po

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1 month ago

Magkatawa jud ko sa photo uy hahahaha kigwa! Pero ang ganda ng story pero ang lungkot din, pa fall si ate ghurl at na fall ka naman , sadddd πŸ’”

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1 month ago

Gahaha di nimo makalimtan no? Samok lge ng mga pa fall maong e ghost na dajon hahaha

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1 month ago

Naglisud kag limot? Hahaha bitaw e ghost na dayunnn

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1 month ago

Human na unsa paman dugayan diba

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1 month ago

Hahhaha ka payter uy!

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1 month ago

Awww, I feel emotional reading this and my heart panks somehow πŸ˜„πŸ˜„ You should at least hear her out first perhaps she might have changed her mind from what she wrote. Remember she said her ex and possiblity is there that they might not be together anymore. She was just saying that to make her remember her ex which I believe she would forget when she starts having a relationship with you.

And you shouldn't have done that but continue with the friendship stuff.

$ 0.01
1 month ago

I was mad and hurt which I hate so much. I don't wanna get hurt just because I love someone. 😁 She could have said to me that she's not over with her ex so I will keep my distance with her. I don't want her to use me to forget her ex.

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1 month ago

Sorry naman at ikaw ay nahurt, kuya. Cguro bata ka po pa kasi masyado nun.

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1 month ago

Na hurt talaga po madam kaya tinapos ko na agad. Hehe! Opo, high school pa.

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1 month ago

may mas deserving na darating sau kuya!

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1 month ago

Soon po. Hehe

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1 month ago

It is very painful to have your heart broken even if you are just starting a relationship.

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1 month ago

Yes but I don't regret it at all ma'am. I am happy that it happened to me. Charged to my experience hehe

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1 month ago

It is very sensible that you say so. That's what life is for, to live experiences and not to have regrets but to mature with the things that happen to us.

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1 month ago

Definitely, ma'am. And I am glad it happened to me.

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1 month ago

Sakit naman nito. Baka may iba pang nakasulat dun sa diary ni ate girl. Sana kinumpronta na lang muna before jumping into conclusion.

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1 month ago

Yeah, I was wrong for doing that ms. Yzza. I was just a high school then and was not sure of my decisions as well. Baka magkita pa kami ulit at may space pa sa diary nya hehe

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1 month ago

Hahahah. So true story pala talaga to. Malay mo. Hindi pa naman sealed love life nyo.😁

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1 month ago