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Have you ever found the answer to who you really are?
What is the difference between me and myself?
When I was a child, my mother always told me all the bad side about me I should do this and that every morning it is just like music in my ears, years had passed and I must admit that every time she told me I was such a stubborn girl and it actually me.
High school life as a teenager is a very tough time in my life. I struggled a lot about my identity, there was a time that I really want to be alone in my room imagining those things that I really want to do. My mother is very strict that I can only go outside our house to go to school and when she asked to buy something in the store. I don't have any friends in our neighborhood to experience life outside our house and school. It was her way of showing me she cared and love me to protect me from the cruelty of people. She was so scared that I might be in danger every time that she is not beside me most of the time I was so confused about who am I.
There was a time that I want to end up my life because of my low grades in school that I am afraid that I did not meet her expectation and as a scholar, I must have had high grades to maintain it, the time that I really want to end up my life all in my mind is when I died I am free to do everything, the first thing that comes up in my mind is to be in a beach with nobody but me, I really want a peace of mind that time to think who really am I. There are a lot of questions in my mind about all the things that my mother told me about myself.
I was raised not by my biological parents, she was the auntie of my father who I called Nanay "mother" at the age of five she forced me to live with her because she don't have anybody with her that time in that big house, her husband is a seaman as well as her sons, at a very young age she always told me that I was blessed that I am with her to live in a nice house with plenty of foods that most children don't eat. She always told me to do things in her way, and trust no one that most people will take advantage of what I had. She told me to save money but gave exact allowance for food and transportation in school. Most of the time when my teacher asked us in school what are the good and bad sides of us it was so hard to answer it maybe because I really don't know myself. Nobody told me that I am kind, honest, or sweet because most of the time I was alone and nobody understand who really am I. It was so hard for me to have friends because my mother always told me that it was a waste of time to have friends.
I am 36 years old now with two failed relationships and now at my age, I know the difference between me and myself. Me is how people think about me, those are the things that they observe about what I did in my life, and myself is who am I really was. Most of the time I was being misunderstood by the people who surround me they think that I must meet their expectations as a human, that all my struggles are useless to meet the good things in life. There is always a battle between me and myself most of the time I think about me what others will think about me not who am I as a person.
At this time most of us are being influenced by social media the way we react to something we see but it is alarming that it is the fastest way to judge people who we really don't know and with no idea that it had a lot of impact to the concern people. As a parent now I really want my child to support the things they love to do and excel with it not controlling them to experience failures in life but supporting them to be the best version of there self, to do good for others for themselves.
God is the only one who really knows us. Every little thing we did in our lives he knows without any words but only guidance to be on the right path of life like he wants us to do, but before that, we may struggle a lot with all the failures so we may know that all we did is not the path that is not for us.
Be safe everyone and this is eve again just another story of my past