Even though some of my classmates does not say it directly to me, I can tell that they are weirded out by me by just observing how they stare at me, and just hanging out with me. They tend to be awkward with me around. I am not that typical filipina girl in my class before, you know, they know tagalog songs while I know songs from musicals and theatre. I watch a lot of anime, weird cartoons while they are into k-dramas which I actually do not watch. It seems like I am in the left side of the road where no one is walking by, while the mainstream road which is the right one is full of normal people.
Is it just me? Or is it them? Am I worthy to be called weird and not interact with them just because what I like is not the normal ones?
Eventually, I ran out of care, I do not really care anymore, because if I do, then I won't be happy. I do not want to forcely play mobile legends just so I can fit in. I do not want to change my music taste so that someone would like me.
But even so I say that I ran out of care, I actually really do care....
Because who would not want to meddle with others? And when everytime I am having the time of my life enjoying the things that I like, they stare at me weirdly, who would not be offended?
Maybe I should stop being weird. Maybe I should fit in.
Maybe I should think practically.
Back in my childhood days, I am a house-girl, I mean, I only play inside my house, I do play with one of our neighbor but as time passes by we do not greet each other anymore. So, because of that reason my social skills are at a low level. Even interacting with my relatives is really hard for me, up until now. I know it is not healthy, but, I can not find myself be comfortable with them, I can not do the first move of greeting them. If they greet me first then maybe my shyness would go away and I can now talk to them casually.
I think that the social skills that I have contributed a lot in me being a weird person. I stayed a lot in the internet before, and I liked what foreigners like, and not liked what my fellow filipinas like. That was back when I was a child.
Right now, there is tiktok, and I think because of this platform, my filipina friends are now being exposed in the internet, where the weird things for them back then is now being a normal one.
But, back in the days where the internet is not that used by most of the people I know, I tend to be 'Out of Place' with them. And it is not a happy feeling.
So I tried fitting in, but I don't feel like myself anymore when I tried fitting in with them. I feel like I am a try hard that time, I'm happy that I can relate to them, but it is like, a forced happiness. I do not really know anymore.
Right now, in a middle of a pandemic, being myself is not that hard. I do not have to meddle or interact in person with people. The internet is very much used, it is easy ro find people with the same vibes with you, even though they are from a far town or province. But eventually, time will come where everything would be normal again, and I am hoping that when that time comes, even though I might be weird to them, they'll accept me, and not judge me as someone who just wants to be the different one.
Why can't they understand that I jist want to be myself?
Do you guys know Jojo Siwa? In here, In the Philippines, or even in here, in my hometown. Dress like that and wear a big ribbon in your head, you'll be stared at and be called weird. This is a good example of what I am feeling. It really lowers my confidence a lot, and it took the happiness I am feeling whenever I do the stuff, wear the stuff I like.
I am not sure, should I be practical? Or should I be myself? It is hard not being able to fit in, but it is also hard not being yourself. I am torn.