@consciouscreator 16 July 2021 more from that month

Nerd Squad - Episode 3 (SATIRE)

Nerd Squad – Episode 3 In the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Hubert completed his mission by stealing old Mr. Puddleston’s data from his computer. In Puddleston’s data, a new target was found. Now his FBI handler, Mr. Clapper, has a new mission in mind. Scene 1 Back at Nerd Squad headquarters inside Fried Electronics department store…..Hubert walks in and finds Mr. Clapper waiting for him, nonchalantly twirling in a puffy office chair. Mr. Clapper: Hey Hubert. Nice striped shirt! Wow, I didn’t think it was possible, but it actually makes you look skinnier. Hubert (looking at himself in self-conscious manner): Well, what do you want, that I dress in all black like a cat burglar or something? Mr. Clapper: Not criticizing, just analyzing. Hubert: You’re here awfully early. Where’s Berry? Berry’s voice comes from his personal office in back, with the door shut…. Berry (shouting): I’m in here, guzzling coffee, eavesdropping, and wondering where my life went wrong. Mr. Clapper (shouting back): I thought you said you couldn’t hear from in there! Berry: You bought that?! You’re not very good at your job! Mr. Clapper (turns back to Hubert): Ok, kid. Here’s your next assignment. We found a guy on Puddleston’s email list that we want you to get at. His name is Mohamed Jones. Hubert: So what did he do? Mr. Clapper: Well, he’s Muslim. Hubert: And? Mr. Clapper: Do you need another reason? Berry (yelling behind his door): I’m scared of Muslims! Mr. Clapper: The tricky part is, he’s never been a customer here. Hubert: So how the hell am I supposed to get into his house? Mr. Clapper: You’re reasonably smart. Can’t you infect his computer with a virus or something? Berry: Don’t overestimate him! Melinda and Billy walk into the picture. Mr. Clapper: You two aren’t privy to this conversation, so I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Melinda (groggy): I work here, unfortunately. You don’t. Berry (yelling): It’s ok, you guys come in here and eavesdrop with me! Hubert (exclamatory): Wait, I got it! Melinda can do it! Melinda: I’m not doing anything that you think is a good idea. Billy: I don’t blame you. Mr. Clapper: No way, kid. Hubert: Why not? Clapper: Cuz she’s not on the payroll. Hubert: So put her on the payroll! Melinda: I’m listening. Clapper: You guys gotta go. Melinda: I’m declaring myself privy to this conversation. What am I getting paid for? Clapper: You’re not! Berry (comes out of office): Spying on a Muslim. You gotta somehow get Hubert into his house in a quasi-legitimate way. Billy: A Muslim? That’s simple, just show him some ankle, Melinda. Clapper (scribbling furiously on notepad, then rips sheet off and hands to Hubert): Here’s his address and all the info you need, kid. I’m leaving it in your hands. (flustered) If you screw this up, there’ll be consequences! Clapper leaves the building hastily. Melinda: So I want a 60 percent cut. Hubert: I’m perfectly capable of doing this alone. And why 60? It should be 50/50. Berry: Hey, if you’re doing this on company time, I’m gonna need at least 20 percent. Hubert (flustered): What? No, I’ll do it on my own time. Billy (laughing): You’re just gonna show up at some random dude’s house and convince him to let you in. Not only let you in, but get onto his personal computer? Hubert (proud, defiant): Yep! Billy: Great, I’ll start the office pool right now. This is gonna be epic! Berry: Hey, while you’re at it, Billy, run across the street to Happy’s Bar and see if the staff wants in! 5 minutes later……Hubert is sitting in his old Toyota Tercel, unsure what to do. Hubert: Hmmm, maybe I’ll try calling first, rather than in person. (looks at phone, takes deep breath, dials number) Phone ringing….. Mohamed: Hello? Hubert (nervous, fumbling for words): Hi, you don’t have an accent. Mohamed: Who is this? Hubert: Oh, um, this is Hubert from Fried Electronics Nerd Squad. We’re offering free computer tune-ups. Mohamed: I hate Fried Electronics. Don’t call again. (click) Hubert (sweating): Glad that wasn’t in person. 5 minutes later…Hubert walks back into the office….. Billy (sarcastic): Hubert! Epically astonished to see you back so soon! Melinda: I should raise my cut to 70. Hubert: Ok, ok, 60 percent, and you can’t tell Clapper. Deal? Melinda: Deal. You get paid 500, right? Hubert: Yep. Melinda: What’s 60 percent of 500? Billy: More than you make here in a week. Berry: I still want my 20 percent, too. Hubert: So I’m risking my neck and make the same amount as you, Berry? How is that fair? Berry (nonchalant, uncaring): It’s not. Scene 2 Melinda is approaching Mohamed’s modest, well-maintained house in the suburbs. She’s dressed to impress. Hubert is waiting in his Tercel around the corner. Melinda knocks at front door. Mohamed (pleasant, smiling): Can I help you? Melinda: Hi, I’m from Computers-R-Us. We’re offering a free computer check-up and free maintenance for six months. Mohamed: Sure, sounds great! Come on in! Melinda: I’ll send someone over right away. Mohamed frowns as Melinda walks away. 2 minutes later, Hubert is knocking on the door…. Mohamed: Can I help you? Hubert: I’m Hubert, from Computers-R-Us. Mohamed: What happened to the girl? Hubert: She’s just in sales. I’m the tech guy. Mohamed: Bummer. (rolls eyes) Come in, I guess. As they walk through the house, Hubert notices a handsome, fully stocked gun rack. He also sees some bacon strips on the kitchen table. Hubert: I thought Muslims don’t eat pork. Mohamed (surprised): What makes you think I’m Muslim? Hubert (grasping for words): Oh, I dunno. Just, ya know. Mohamed: Because of my name? Hubert: Maybe. Mohamed: I’m not Muslim, and I’ve never even visited a so-called Muslim country. (gestures to the desk and computer) Have a seat. Hubert sits. Mohamed stares at him. Hubert: Could I have some water? Mohamed (suspicious): I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone. You can come with me to the kitchen if you want. Hubert: On second thought, this will only take a few minutes. I’ll be ok. (digs out cell phone from pocket) Gotta contact work real quick. Hubert sends a text to Melinda and asks for her to come knock again. A few minutes later, a loud bang on the door. Mohamed: I’ll be back, fast. Mohamed opens front door. Melinda: Hey, sorry, me again. I got a flat tire, can you help me real quick? My car is a just around the corner. Mohamed: I suppose I could take a look. Hubert takes the opportunity to copy Mohamed’s hard drive. Mohamed returns. Hubert: All finished up! Mohamed: Your sales girl’s car got stolen. Hubert (feigning shock): Oh no! Mohamed: She’s outside crying. Hubert: Ok, well, I’d better get going. Your computer is in tip-top shape. Mohamed: Where is your store located? Hubert: Um, downtown. I’ll email you. Mohamed: Do you need my email address? Hubert: Nope, already got it. Mohamed: I didn’t give it to you. Hubert: Ya didn’t? Well, then, I’d better get it. Mohamed (suspicious): On second thought, let me get your contact info as well. They swap contact info. Hubert leaves. Scene 3 The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics…... Melinda: So Hubert gave him his real name and contact info. Billy (laughing): This surprises you? Melinda: It does, but it shouldn’t. Berry: Where is that little pip-squeak, anyway? Melinda: Hopefully collecting our money. Scene 4 Hubert is talking with Clapper at a park. Clapper (laughing): You gave him your real name? Hubert: Is that a problem? Clapper: For you, it might be. Not for me, that’s why I’m laughing. Hubert: So when’s my next assignment? Clapper: After we dig through this Muslim guy’s data, we’ll find someone for ya. Hubert: He’s not even Muslim, ya know. Clapper (paranoid, looking over shoulder): That’s what he’d like us to think. Scene 5 The next day, Clapper is in the office of his boss, Mr. Prick, at FBI headquarters. Mr. Prick (pacing around anxiously): Wow, a Muslim with guns, a garden, and has contact with an anarchist. Clapper (shaking head): What is this world coming to, sir? Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk, dark red face): Damnit, Clapper, isn’t it obvious?! It’s a damn Anarcho-Muslim Gun And Garden Network! Clapper (scratching chin thoughtfully): Hmmmm, that’s a hell of an acronym, sir. AMGAGN. It’s just so crazy, it might be right! Mr. Prick (hands on hips): Damnit, clapper, of course it’s right! I thought of it, didn’t I? Clapper: I can’t argue with that flawless logic, sir. The question is, what do we do now? Mr. Prick: You send the kid after this anarchist girl, that’s what! She’ll lead us up the ladder to the AMGAGN leadership! Clapper: Are you sure you want to use such an incompetent asset on a high value target, sir? Mr. Prick (slams hand on desk again): Damnit, Clapper! Of course. The more incompetent, the more plausible deniability he gives us. We need results, Clapper! Now get on it! Clapper (standing and saluting): Yes, sir! Thanks for your time and attention! Check out my internet archive https://archive.org/details/@todd_borho