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Depression and I (Sex, Drugs and Alcohol)

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Written by   29
1 month ago

Again before I start this article. I want you to know that this is something about my real life. I don't intend to gain anything from this other than easing the burden in my chest. If you are going to judge me, I suggest that you leave this article alone and continue with your boring old life.

I was troubled growing up because of the abuse that happened to me. Though, there's really no one who could tell unless you take a closer look. And everyone was busy so no one ever noticed the changes that were slowly happening to me. Besides, I was an 'A' student, I really excel in academics. The school was my solace back then.

The abuse stopped and I was okay or so I thought. But then high school came and I just didn't fit in. The thing was I lack interpersonal skills. I don't make friends easily as I used to when I was in elementary.

I locked myself almost always in my room. I hated everything about myself, the way I look, the way I speak, everything.

I was called fat and ugly by my peers and family so I let myself believe it.

I forced myself on a diet and lose weight. I grew my hair long and learned to use proper soap to clear my skin. My physical appearance improved yet I still hated looking at myself in the mirror. I still feel ugly, my self-esteem never improved.

Time continued to roll and college came. That was the time I learned a lot about life. A childhood friend dragged me into a bar. I hated the loud noises but when a guy approached me and offered me a drink with a glow in his eyes, something clicked inside my head.

He didn't know me. I could be anyone in that place. And he'll never know the truth. I gave the guy a fake name and told him a manufactured story.

I had my virginity taken that night. And yes my cousin didn't take it, I would always cry when he tried to so no penetration ever happened. And yes I still hated sex but I enjoyed the feeling of being in control. And for the first time in a long time, I felt alive.

I never talked to that guy again and our paths never crossed after that one-night stand.

The clubs became my new sanctuary. I went there almost every week. I had sex with different guys. I became anyone I wanted to be from the fake background I tell the guys I meet.

And because there's a lot of people in that place. I also learned a lot of things. I became a heavy drinker. I consumed alcoholic drinks like it was just juice. I also discovered rave parties and drugs.

Yes, I experienced using drugs; marijuana, shabu, GHB, coke. The high that it gave made me forget my reality.

However, I came to a point in my life where I get tired of the lies I concocted through years of hiding my true self. I realized that it wasn't healthy, what I was doing with myself. And so one day I just dropped the act. I became serious with my studies and graduated on time.

I realized that my past would never declare my future but the actions that I do in the present.

Author's Notes: thank you for all the love and support.

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Written by   29
1 month ago
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Comments

You are so brave sharing your story here madam Engr. After all, your past doesn't define your future.

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1 month ago

I'm so glad you grew old of your old habits, and I'm truly glad you were able to grow from such a daunting experience. Your future is ravished with lot's of positive and beautiful things; CLAIM IT...

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1 month ago

I'm happy that you're able to survive. Your past really doesn't define what you will be in the future. I admire your courage in sharing your past. God bless you!

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1 month ago

Congrats my dear, you still made it despite all things happen to your life, Fast is always fast we never change it just focus in forward,

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User's avatar Amz
1 month ago