BIG ASS ALIEN DISCLAIMER: This is a parody, a fictional story, never happened, nothing of this is real - aliens, Elon Musk, rockets, Mars, flying saucers - all fabricated, all of this is matrix playing your mind to fool.
So, this is the end, the world is sinking in darkness engorged by damn coronavirus... BUT! some people say there is a chance for survival of the human race IF humans leave Earth for Mars.
The problem is that humans don't have that tech to organize a mass exodus, no matter how much you believe it is possible... The only way it can be possible, is not with that rocket bullshit you are firing up to the needle point though your atmosphere.
You actually need an intergalactic motherfucker to fly you bitching across the galaxy - Mars or whatever - in a safe and acceptable way. In translation - you need a fucking flying saucer.
Now, as far as I know - you don't have that and my monster spacecraft is jammed under an ice sheet.
So, I went to talk to the man about the horse... In a few years Elon Musk is going to be the richest person on the planet and he will be able to bribe all your ugly greedy motherfucking asses into working for him, so who would be better option but him to talk about this idea.
What a fuck, why do I say he will be the richest... Well, I have no fucking clue, it just the way it is.
So, to sit down and reason with a person, alien to human, I first have to kidn... bla-aah - borrow a person, and then introduce my idea.
First I have to say, there was some technical problems in finding Elon Musk, so I had to spy the Twitter account who follows the whereabouts of his jet fuel powered test vehicle. I am pretty sure that tin can is dangerous. Only the super-brave entities should fly in that. It is voraciously unsafe.
I also found out that a same Twitter account thinks Musk sleeps on stacks of Benjamins three feet thick and bath in gold nuggets... I can understand nuggets, I like bling too, but I see no logic in sleeping on three feet of used disposable hand towels. I made sure to put on my isolation suit before meeting him, he doesn't sound as a very clean individual.
I found Musk, finally, after a few errors, in some semi discarded place out of civilization, I jammed the local timeline, said hi! and quickly started to explain myself right away. I heard he likes things down to the point, so I thought that would be the right way to get along with him.
But he just stared at me like he never saw an alien before, and in one point his eyes flashed, he grabbed a phone, asked me if I am feeling ok and that something leaked, I am babbling, he noticed his phone had no connection, he said I must have been gassed because my color is disturbing and then after checking some other device, looked around and asked like he was waking up from a deep dream where the hell everyone went...
-I am perfectly fine, I said - but he told me to sit down, he will find me help in a second - No, I am OK! - but he was already out shouting at somebody, but of course as there was nobody he quickly came back and asked me what is this, where is everybody...
-I am perfectly ok, this is my natural color - I said to a confused individual while he was observing my face trying to determine if I have been poisoned by something.
-Who put you up to this? - he grimed at me - What is this, a surprise party - he nodded again - aliens and ... what? - I nodded no - I am really an ancient alien and I came to .. - he didn't really listened to me, but his eyes locked on my bag.
- What do you have in your bag? - he asked still with his eyes on my cross-body bag...
- Umm nothing... - but my bag was already out of my hands and he was romping thought it. It was really empty.
- Why are you walking around with an empty bag..? - he gave me my bag back, after zipping it.
- It just, helps me to fit in... -
- Are you trespassing?-
- Well, obviously, how else I can talk to you... -
- You can schedule a meeting or send me a tweet ... he said fast, looked around but there was nobody else there - Come on, I will not even call a security, I will escort you to the fence and off you go... - he grabbed my arm and started walking while dragging me beside him... At one point I hit the breaks and he flipped back.
- I don't think you understand... - I tried to explain but now he took it as a challenge, and decided if I don't want to walk he shall carry me out. And then he was yanking me left and right like some sort of an obnoxious stubborn carrot but couldn't plug me off the floor so he grumbled something and decided to tow me on his shoulders like a bag...
- Let's not be childish, this is really not a challenge... - I was yelling at him, but when I let go of off my ground, I slumped him down like the back end of a truck.
- Aw, I know what this is - he chuckled picking himself off the floor like nothing happened. - I am dreaming. Aliens! When I get out I will see purple sky, hover crafts, three moons - he was "painting" an images of it above his head - and all that crazy science fiction crap I usually daydream about...
- You are not dreaming - I was really surprised by lack of recognition.
-Reallyyyy, well let's go out then - he smiled like I have no idea and he is absolutely sure of it - But, uh, I can't stay long. - He again took phone and looked worried why a connection is out...
- OK, if you are dreaming , try to wake up - I said while he was holding a hatch on the door, he nodded a few times, rolled eyes left, up and right...
- See... -
- Well, I am tired and you are wasting my time..- he shrugged getting out - I am pretty sure I fell asleep at that table.
- Time in fact is on pause, taking a break, I stopped all things that are time consuming... so, - he was walking down the wide yard and I was trying to get his attention but obviously not very successfully - if you take a look around you will see that for example... a patch of green that was there...
- You know what you can help me with? - he stopped finally - how about a patch for this thing and you give me ideas out of the list of things I need to be done with today, huh?
- What thing - I looked along his finger but I could't recognize what he was talking about
- Up there! - and then I saw what he was talking about. A big metallic skyscraper...
- Awwwww... - OK, ok, it is huge and great accomplishment, but it really would be of a great importance ... -
- You are talking to a wrong person about it, and wrong place, and wrong time. - and then he uncoiled a huge list of things that he would need to put even an idea of what I was suggesting to motion.
I guess he picked up everything I previously told him.
I was nodding "yes" on everything he was saying and waving my head "no" an each time he asked "do you have that".
... and then he CONTINUED to pettily lice it down the waterfall with no end while waving hands left and right about stuff done by this or that person, and how many people it takes approximately, all numbers either wrong or too many, and how much it would cost, also dramatically exaggerated, and how my ambivalence to that is tragic... and bla bla bla... - Ok - he shut down the mill and finally used English - you claim you are not a figment of my imagination, here is an idea for you,
- Correct, I'm real... -
- So is your lack of everything I asked... whether you are an alien, superhuman, god... whatever. - He was shaking his head trying to think how to put it politely while not offending a possibly very grumpy looking alien, even if being a fictional one - In any way - he continued - You have to put it IN A WAY we understand. Otherwise, it doesn't work. So, how about, you know, you find people, ummm... the experts for all of this, all those people, yes, who will do all that, that I just told you, do you need it in writing, or we are ok, so ... they put it together while you... what you say, abduct...
- BORROW! - I growled annoyed by this return of a great stutter, wonders! - he doesn't stutter when he talks about technicalities, but when it comes to common sentences, it becomes a true torture to listen.
- ... borrow, and then all of you come back to my people, or me, you know, tweet, email, and ... other... means, eh, we talk, we find resources and try to put it together, how about that, well, at least, that is how I see it...
- You are telling me to do a full twelve yards, bicker with all of that, and you can have it first hand ... -
- No, no, I don't need first hand, you are ... if not a dream, probably a very strong telepathic individual, listen, this you should believe me, but, and, oh, deluding one person with something is not the same as trying to prove what is believed to be a fictive thing and make it work.
- Um, no, you are wasting my time, your time too, I am sure you have important things to do, same like, me, eh, planets to visit, how is Mars by the way, ha ha, and I know, life's short, uh, we talked before, well, I hope, maybe, yes (?), what was that, yes, something, listen I can't think about this now, this is so disturbing, I have to go... and - he looked around himself like he is searching for some exit - Can I just - he wanted to go back - eh, can you put me back- and then he added scratching his head - it really looks so real... damn...
- Yeah whatever ... - I thought to myself, what a hell was that...
- Huh, I wish I could help you, but really there is no point, I am not a person you seek, um, a crazy scientist, eh nothing like that, maybe you find one, I hope, you know - he shrugged - Unless you have a spaceship for parts, which I doubt hehehehe...
- No, not really - Well, in fact, I do, but you know, eh, uh, ah, what's the point...
- So, how do I... - he point at the building trying to nudge me to release him from what he believed to be a really vivid dream - I just walk there, right?
- Yeah, just walk there... - I waved my hand - Just go.
He walked away and I took off being rather disappointed, but possibly I came at the wrong moment and he probably is right saying that I can't really explain all the necessary things.
Maybe I try again. In few hundred years.
- I need a drink - a rusty voice made a worker on a site to turn back seeing his peer pale in face and visibly scared - You have no damn idea what I just saw... said a guy sitting down on a step.
- What happened to you, are you ok? - a worker asked.
- I was up there in a crane waiting for your signal, when I noticed something is wrong. It took me a minute to figure what was it. I couldn't hear anything. Then I looked outside, and there was nobody down there, you were all gone. I tried to open a window, but it was jammed, so were the doors, my radio was dead, my phone lost signal. Then the scary part. All grass was gone, no birds, no clouds, no sun, nothing. It looked like a whole world was frozen in time.
- What? - a worker twitched - but you were up there for a minute, you just got in...
- I was stuck there at least half an hour, I couldn't call, could not get out and while I tried to yell I saw Musk talking to somebody, like, arguing, that was no person, I can swear on my life, what I am telling you has no sense, but it scared me and I will remember it till the day I die...
- What did you see - a worked asked and looked around if anyone can hear them talking - I bet you should not tell anyone, just drink some water and forget about it...
- At first I though everyone are inside so what, and I saw this guy getting a speech from a boss, Musk was yelling at him, waving hands, looked like he was really angry, I though this is quits for you little guy. And from the distance I could only saw this small guy in pale jumpsuit, like he is car racing, unusual suit, he had a bag already, so I though he's got bingo with bonus and already outta door... - I thought to myself, let's listen up, might be important, and started to listen intense to hear a conversation down there, but when I heard aliens and flying saucer I had to take a double and look down at the little guy.
- And what.. -
- And what, and you know what... Musk was talking to a real life alien, that dude, was no dude, he had metallic skin, odd clothes and weird head. I could swear he had more than one pair of arms... and those huge eyes, like ... glared eyes, silver.
- Holly shit!-
- I am telling you, when Musk pointed at the rocket, alien was nodding. He approved. Like - good job mate. He gave him a thumbs-up.
- Are you kidding me! -
- And then Musk started telling, listing things one by one, what has been done, full report man, he was giving an alien a report about progress and asking after an each thing "do you like that" but an alien was "nay".
- No way... -
- Alien was not a happy camper when Musk started to apologize, I heard on my own ears, alien says saucer, Musk goes sorry can't do yet -
- Musk was apologizing for like fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes saying it doesn't work ... shit man, he will get us nuked.
- And when he was done with that, that alien dude dismissed him as an errand boy, I couldn't believe my eyes, I wish you could have seen that ...
- Where did he go, an alien -
-Some light broke out from his back, I didn't see from a back or a backpack, wrapped around him like a ball of light, and swoosh! - off he goes!
- I've never saw something like that, not even in a movie! It is beyond movie! From his body! Swoosh!
- Yooo... -
- I don't know what is going on, but I am stepping down, and I am not talking from a crane, I am talking off this roller-coaster.
- You know what, I don't know what it is, a weather, or something , but I have this really odd feeling, and you are talking you saw what it is, how about we just walk out.. I am not talking quits, I am talking walking out, like... right now.
- Yeah, we could do that.
- We call back when we put some distance between us... Do you think alien saw you?
- No, he was too busy with the boss, didn't look around, they were all on open, like nobody's watching ...
- OK, take your things, get back at the truck, we will message and go airplane after.
- I have to call wife... -
- Don't call, they are listening, we go off grid and talk nothing to nobody...
- Fuck this shit... aliens! I didn't even believe UFOs were real..
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