Parody: Ancient Alien Chronicles - A joke is on me ( draft pyramids & then we gonna build a wall)

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2 weeks ago
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Great! You are going extinct and you just fucking decided it has to be a damn virus! You are going to leave me all alone in here to talk to cockroaches for a few hundreds millennia! Again! I forgot how many instances of intelligent beings done their last day in existence in front of me! I fucking give up! Can't you just stop fucking dying!

Last time you done your teddings my ex-science-officer-gone-insane-ex-self-proclaimed-god-all-mighty-and-all-that-crap... made an entire planet a coal furnace - that's how much it took to eradicate that ghastly shit of a plague you made back then.

On your fortune he forgot a cataclysmic event could result in his own demise if I change the locks. I had no idea he would even drop by. My bad...

Anyways, you humans really suck with that dying out thing. Once is a mistake. Second time, shit happens. Ten times - well, I was there, I can't blame you. But this many times, not even me can be so fucked up.

I understand you are all a product of fancy dumb immortal and fat crazy nerd, after all only us two made you, but I can't figure out how come of all combinations possible you still didn't made me another immortal.

Step up your game! Well, nevermind. Too late now...

Anyways, I am a bit cranky these days as you already know, I contracted a coronavirus by accident...

Ok, ok!! I ate some noodles in China, they add some bat's testicles sauce and anteaters snuff mucus, I asked exotic dish, what a fuck I know what I suppose not to eat, how it suppose to taste. It tasted like cooked feathers, not like Dooms Day Central...

And in case that you wonder how the hell they still didn't find a missing link, that "animal" that transmitted to human ... well, now you fucking know.

What do you mean you think I am inhuman!? I am very much NOT-human if you didn't notice!! Or should I start getting my green on and pulling out some tentacles...

It is my fault?


Who gave an idea to that chef to feed an infected bug eater to a freaking extraterrestrial?

Now you know how I feel about being intolerant to greens and you dishing it to me "aw take some greens aw it's healthy for you, aw, your skin will look great.."

Well, how about, "aw take some coronavirus, aw your tan will really shine -AW WHEN THEY BURN YOUR CARCASSES IN A FREAKING CREMATORIUM!!"

Who gave you a fucking idea to grasp some bat ballz and cook it in anteaters slime and then to feed that shit to an alien! Didn't you have a clue something might go wrong? No!? Nothing??

Aw, why I didn't realize it? How the hell I could know what is in a pot? They said it is spicy chicken.

What a fuck do I look like to you, a science officer? I carry my little test kit around probing chicken wings and fried shrimp? They gave me some sticks and told me eat, that good, what would you do, genius? Why do you think I am still here stuck with you? If I were such a genius, I would't be here. Even a genius couldn't leave, and he had numerous chances - well, before he went insane over a thing or two that I said...

I mean it is not that he didn't try to save you a few other times that you were dying out... I think that last straw was that instance that there was so many flies over "obvious reason" so I tried to help him dealing with the immense problem, by inventing a venus flytrap species... I think he flipped completely after that.

He didn't even give me a benefit of a chance to say that I am not so heartless like he thought, and that we should take care of the living ... nukes were already flying my direction.

I guess you are all stupid just like me...

After that I had to put your shit - I mean your species - back together all alone, and do you know how hard is to find a banana under all those rats we held in a fridge for ... His Lordship scientific purposes - to lure a freshly defrosted apes out of my bathroom after they found out I have a Jacuzzi in there...

After they finally decided NOT to kill me over the territory, they were writing poetry and chiseling some hieroglyphs over my walls.

It took me another forever to explain that dog's head doesn't go on a human body and that is bad to fuck canines... Or own sisters...

I think that a science officer was doing so much better job than me, because you progressed slow and dumb, maybe you are still alive because of that, because his litter didn't really make it to the point where you are now...

So I fell sick and I went to hospital, but they just told me to sit down and wait, so I did. Then my blood results came, and no longer I was a favorite child... I could have expected that.

It is not the first time my blood picture caused a complete confusion and rendered my claims invalid - the only thing I lack to be verifiable an alien is a green skin, and I had to turn my green mojo off to fit in better.

I never looked typical. I have this uncommon yellow gray skin tone that becomes almost golden when intense sunbathing. I hate beaches for that reason, if I gain some weight and sit out there people start pasting golden scrap paper on me...

You know, if you wonder why Egyptians plastered their statues in gold, now you know.

My veins are very much visible and that gives my complexion the odd and disturbing glare. Everybody thinks I have some horrible illness. In fact I'm just damn ugly.

Anyone I knew always considered the most disturbing fact that I "glow" on the moonlight, certain light makes me almost florescent and my skin is a few levels more resilient to fire, heated oil and various chemicals. A few hundred years ago one guy splashed me in acid, I thought it is a spring festival like in Rome so I gave him a kiss...

In modern times I was selling myself under a Terminator, but then one nut plugged me in and I was fired.

No, I did not caught a fire - I was FIRED. From a job.

The next job I had was a swimming pool lifeguard. I got that one not because I am a great swimmer or because I am strong, I sink like an anvil, but I can't drown because I can hold my breath almost forever...

The thing ended up with this situation.

Swimming pool lifeguard: So, you say, hehe, you are an alien ( measures me up, he is a giant)...

Me: ( meddling my toes into the patio) Uh, yeah...

Lifeguard: So, hehe, what is your "superpower"?

Me: ( thinking the least dangerous thing for him) Umm, Uh, Eh, Uff... I can hold breath really long...

20 minutes later I am sitting on a bottom of the swimming pool trying to lit up ( because I am senile and forgot that it is water) while two assistants reanimating him upstairs on the footrest...

I didn't get fired for almost causing that fool to drown, but because I was "smoking" at the swimming pool and it is forbidden. Saying that there was no smoke and I was INSIDE and not AT, made no difference, I was out before I was in... Ok, maybe ... not ... that fast.

At first people thought of me as a nice curiosity and called me special, all milk and honey, they were so proud of me, it was cute when I was a new thing, then when time passed I wasn't really it. I fell from grace.

Maybe a joke is on me, maybe it is not, but when I say to the doctors that I am an alien - we don't have a therapy for aliens, they say. They never sound that they doubted THAT. That they believe.

But I am not a rich celebrity so nobody cares. Everybody thinks that Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves and even Elon Musk are aliens just because they are popular and have money.

Even when it is for a joke, whenever people ask who do you think who is an alien among us and I rise my hand, they have to specify "not you, A...whatever-your-name-is..., we already know that."

The same thing like in ancient Egypt! Whenever some jerk would cry out laud - I hate youuuuu godddddd!!!! - I was down there in a second asking - But, why aw why, I done the best I could, why you so mad at me... - and then he goes - Not you, Osiris. The other motherfucker...!

They changed the entire fucking mythology, because I was not a convenient deity for them! I wasn't good enough for a bed time story character!

And I was like, what... other motherfucker... but he died million years ago! What a fuck he done that was so damn impressive besides frying entire atmosphere to crisp!?

Ok, I might caused some flooding because I wanted to impress you guys, but that's just because my irrigation plans went wrong. Ok, I might turned half of a continent in a barren desert, but it is not like I planned to wash out my own home! It just happened!

Same with the pyramids! I apologized so many times for that! Everybody venerated them forever, not even him believed how I made them, when he found out WHY I made them it was a damn fucking problem, aw, yes - raw of blocks, raw of sand, you found them buried, what a fuck is so mysterious?

I suppose to be your god, and in so many ways you disrespect me, and now when this dance is over I am sorry. I will be alone again.

And so many jokes are very funny about me. I will remember them forever - and I mean forever. Because a joke is all that will be left for me from you. And a joke is on me after all.

But let's look at the brighter side. Let's talk my jokes...

Your health is bad, well maybe it is just a planet and maybe you should not be here?

Mom and dad missed Mars?

Roswell didn't pan out?

They found your ship, you know, Antarctica?

Don't you suppose have skin that is green.. aw, sorry, my bad - it is, a bit...

I thought you would be taller...

Where are the probes ( have you ran out of it my... man)..?

If I pay would you kidnap me?

Have you consider re-purposing your saucer into a cabby?

I think you might have a fever, your body temperature is 34 Celsius ( 93 F)...

Can you please remove your batteries, I think you zapped me?

Is something on you buzzing?

I think my stethoscope is either broken, or you have double pulse.

Your EEG confirms you are dead.

I think I can confirm with 99% accuracy that you are allergic to human hair...

Your headaches must be caused by overexposure to light, how about we give you a nice goggles with 1% light permeability that will simulate natural conditions on your home planet?

What do you mean you can't catch a tan same I can't catch a wit?

Alien you say, huh - well, you do look like you spent an eternity trapped inside of a pyramid...

I bet your species doesn't believe in god, bullshit yes?

Jesus was one of you, wasn't he?

Do you hatch eggs, please don't impregnate me!

Do you hatch eggs, please DO impregnate me!

I will sign that you are an alien, not because you are one, but just to freak out the ufologist.

Do you still kidnap cows, I have to transfer my heard...

46 chromosomes you say, like human you say... but so has one type of crustacean...

Are you a parasite?

Yes! I created you, just that I can live off your body juices... That was goal all this time.

Unfortunately - I know everybody is waiting on a shit report but it is not going to happen - I had to pull out of Musk because he figured out my agenda and what I am up to and he started to eat tar smudged cotton balls and lubricate himself into a rocket fuel. So, I thought it would be a great idea that I fuck off while I still can...

It was too late when they reported to me that those were not cotton balls, but chocolate coated marshmallows his kids left open and some sort of a weird body cream his girlfriend usually uses to be all tight and pretty...

Now I am into, literally into, another dude, he smells like vanilla cookies and tastes like a carrot cake. I am not sure how much he will last, but I am down for anything new. And then we gonna build a wall....

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Topics: humor, Fiction
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