If I could delete a year in my life I surely would want to erase the year 2020. Even if I will not tell you the reasons why, you probably can guess what is the main reason. But I could go on a list to tell you why is that.
I felt like I lose everything since this covid hits way back that year 2020. To be honest, I’m getting my shit together before covid hits. I’m contented with my job, contented with the things I have, and I’m happy. I can finally say I’m happy during those times. I never felt so contented in my life before. I can’t even feel my anxiety and depression creeping in anymore. Truly bad thoughts disappears when you finally reached the phase of contentment in the life you’re living.
But then covid happens. No one expected it though, or as they told us. And just like that, all of the things that I’ve started building up shattered in just a snap. I thought at first, that covid will be over as soon as we know it, and I can finally go back to my normal happy life that I’d tried my hardest to built. But guess what I’m wrong. Covid never ended. I lose my job. I lose all of the savings I have. We lose our livelihood on our town. I lose my grandma. My mom got sick, I almost lost her. I technically almost lose everything. Almost everything.
I started to lose interest in life since that happens. I started to lose my sense of living. My anxiety and depression comes back to me like an old friend, pouring me all of my regrets in life, all of my past mistakes, all of my loneliness. I felt like I was once again trapped in a long dimmed tunnel, trying to find my way out. I was lost once again. I didn’t even know how and when will I start to get up and begin to put up my shit together. I feel empty. So empty that I think of giving up.
I tried my hardest to keep myself sane everyday. I tried my hardest to keep myself occupied as much as possible so there is no room for my anxiety and depression to creep in inside my system. I tried my hardest not to give up yet. I know I’m not okay right now. That I have to pull off a smiling person right in front of my family when deep inside, I’m in pain. But I realized, it’s okay not be okay sometimes because life somehow always works out no matter how lost we are.
Maybe it’s hard right now but let’s not give up yet. We might be broken at this moment or the next days to come, but everything passes by eventually. Even this pain that we are feeling in right now. One day, we’ll reached the end of this tunnel that we’re in, finally seeing the light. But hey, no advices can fix a broken person. Fixing? You do that to yourself. Kill the bad thoughts in your head and not yourself. Someone out there is praying for us to succeed in life again. Somewhere out there is wishing for us to be happy again. Don’t lose hope yet. Pick yourself up again and again if necessary. You’re not alone. You may feel most times that you are, that no one really do understand what you’ve been going through, but believe me, someone else’s does. Someone else’s is trying to reach you.
Stay strong. We can get through this darkness soon.