The normalcy of confused thoughts clouding my mind.

The clouds in my mind is really affecting my sunny open disposition I think while I'm all smiles inside of me I feel like a walking demolition ball about to tear everything I've built. My stomach is constantly churning with confused fervor, I feel like a must in churning waters. How I long to be stable. To be lucid. To be present without any forced ideas. When will this calm arrive. Any longer and I'm afraid I may busy into flames, into oblivion. Where are the reasons I once felt like making feel real. Do you ever think things are just as bleak as faded memories near forgotten. Hope forgotten.

It's like watching a movie before my eyes except I'm both the actor and the audience of a melodramatic play. Nothing is clear and nothing is blurry. Dry tears. Non existent fears. Then why does my stomach churn so. Like supporting players just existing so I can be prodded towards a destination both chosen and unchosen. Am I close to cracking into a million pieces. Am I close to breaking down doors and walking through imaginary fires. All for that good life we all look for. My patience are in short supply and there are no charging stations.

Ever wondered if you will ever be normal after something so profound smashes you down into a pulp? I never had but now I find it is the only solution I can think of as an escape to some sort of reality. Voices in the end screaming it for something, anything resembling that normal we all think as being normal. Smiling faces are now never enough. Never lifting you it of the pits of doom. There's not even space to wiggle my head into some breathing space out of this forsaken water I've tread on underwater. Even the bothersome breeze is too much to think of as being perfect for a hot summers day. Why even think of it as a bother?

I guess only time will tell if ever I'll find my head out of the water and into clear blue skies.