My mental break down last Wednesday.

December 22 , 2021.

6:29 PM.

Maybe I will published this one by December 24 because I have an article for December 23 already.

It is not my intention to write an article now but this is the only way I can to release how I feel. As I am typing this I am crying. I don't want to continue crying that's why I decided to write. Earlier I am listening to Eraserheads music because that's the least I can do to stop thinking and to being anxious. I am happy mental break down again for the reason that it feels like I am a prison in the four corners of our house. I've been used to it and I am trying to accept that my life would be like this and I don't know if when will this situation of mine will ended.

I was used to it but sometimes I want to breath. Seeing my friends enjoying outside world and then me was prisoned here in the house taking good care of my son and my niece. Seeing them eating together with thier family and enjoying thier life. Seeing them traveling , going to the beach and enjoy the nature and living thier life to the fullest while me as much as I want to do that I will always ended up with the question how?

As of this moment , my tears are now flowing going to my cheeks and down to pillow and yes my husband seeing it now but he didn't asked me why I am crying and it's fine he didn't asked me because I don't want to explain what I feel. I just want to cry to release the heavy feelings inside me and then after I cried hopefully I will be okay again.

I want to be with my friends , I want to have a vacation but no such thing happened.

I am pushing to have a vacation even if just a day but what happened is that I got sicked and spend $200 for my medication. I asked my husband if we can go to Mount Arayat just to breath fresh air and see nature even if just a little amount of time but it didn't happened.

My bestfriend chatted me if we can meet once he arrived in the province but I am not really sure if I am available. I thought my cousin will also go here in the province and I thought we will have a set that we are called mental health break but it's didn't happened. Yesterday I chatted my high School friend if we can go to the night market here in our town. At first they agreed but an hour before our meet up one of my friend said shes not feeling well.

Yesterday was my husbands and my sisters Christmas Party that's why I am alone in the house. I manage to calm myself and watch different videos on Facebook to avoid boredom. I am jealous of them because they have a Christmas Party while me , no happenings.

I really missed this times that I am engaged with people and I can do what I want with freedom. I know that this stage of my life is not like before but sometimes when anxiety hits you , you can't avoid to think those things. You know the feeling that your miserable and asked yourself if you really deserved this life.

As of this moment , my face is dry and no more tears falling from my eyes. Sometimes crying is fine to release all the heavy feelings inside you and find ways to make you calm and my way is to write here.

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Yesterday I commented on Gyras article about depression and you know giving an advise to someone is easy but when it comes to ourselves its hard but I still manage to be fine. I am always praying that one day things will be okay. I want to live again. Live means to be free and not being prisoned in the four corners of our house. To live means to engaged with other people outside and not just engaging virtually. To live mean to enjoy life as much as I can and witnessed God creation through nature.

I am looking forward to all of that. It's my way of calming myself. To think positively just like what on Jeremiah 29:11 .

I will end it here guys. Thank you for reading and God bless 🙏💕