@Valryan14 7 October 2020

A Father's Painful Confession.

*Me and my stepdaughter who died 13 years ago at the age of 14.*  I never talk about her. Simply because I don’t feel the need to. But today a few things came in my mind I wanted to mention. It is about what happened when she used sacred plant medicine under my guidance, in the last months of her life.  It can be helpful information.  And I’m sure, playful, intelligent, artistic and caring as she was, she wouldn’t mind me sharing that. I knew her from when she was only two. At that young age she had cancer for the first time, but she survived.  I didn’t see her very much. It took many years before I married her mother, she was one of the bridesmaids . When she was eight years old she got cancer again, but survived. She started to become a tall girl at thirteen. She was joyful and smart for her age, I’m not exactly sure but her IQ was somewhat around 168, although they used a test that was made for her age, I didn't even knew that it was possible. She was really exceptional. Not always pleasant because she could manipulate us into doing things without us even noticing she was pulling the strings. Just before she became 14, she got cancer again.  We never considered it would come back for the third time – that would be to cruel to even consider.  But on a nice day when we were swimming and having fun, suddenly there it was, slightly below her ribs, something hurt her, and she held her hand upon it.  The waves on the water in the pool became still as she stared at her mother. The moment seemed to got frozen. And then her mother stared at me.  This was not good.  The doctor gave her a few months.  She wanted to go on with her life, she just went to a great school in Belgium that could keep up with her.  Her artistic talents and intelligence found a nice place there. Everything went so well, she had nice friends, and she had trusted us that she had fallen in love for the first time.  So she didn't have time to get sick again. She needed all the time to live. Although it didn’t look good, it was good enough to give her chemo therapy.  Later on other surgical procedures started. She kept going to school didn't want to let it get in her way.  Her energy level dropped every day . Her mother and I brought her at school by car.  She was making plans for the summer.  Besides a dark cloud that hang continuously above us, everything seem to be pretty normal.  Then one day - I had to stop the car.  She had to get out.  She vomited on the street.  She wanted me to drive to school.  but she just could make it.  We drove to the school. But she just wasn’t able to walk on her own.  She didn’t want that her girlfriend saw her like this. I said that there was nothing to be ashamed about.  She got really angry at me.  We drove back home.  She was staring to the road in front of us.  We tried it a couple of days later.  But the trip to school was too much.  We had to turn around again.  She lost her hair.  She got really skinny.  We were worried because she didn’t eat.  But she planned her birthday party, and that gave some hope. Perhaps it was going to be her last birthday-party and she didn’t want that taken away from her.  Her wonderful girlfriends, who stayed close until the end, also looked forward to that party.  A few days before the party she was getting so very sick.  We prayed for a little recovery so she could at least celebrate her birthday  But at the day of the party it only got worse. We had to bring her to the hospital an hour before the party started. Her girlfriends where there.  But she had to leave her girlfriends behind, presents stayed unopened.  Her girlfriends told her not to worry because this was a reason to give another party as soon as she felt better.  They even could make her smile by saying that it actually wasn’t so bad. Because she had to go to the hospital they could celebrate the same party twice. Death came closer. Our conversations where getting deeper. I told her about my out of body experience on magic mushrooms.  And how that had taken away my fear of death.  She wanted to take mushrooms to have that too.  I never heard someone talking about using psychedelics for that 14 years ago.  But recently a hospital in Australia started to use magic mushrooms to give spiritual relief to very sick patients.  But 14 years ago this was unimaginable.  If anyone would even think about given psychedelic mushrooms to a girl with lethal cancer, they would put that person in a mental institution for the rest of his life. Well, I was so convinced by what I experienced that took that risk. And when she asked me about the mushrooms, I was secretly already hoping that she was going to ask for it.  Of course I said, no way, we are not going to do that! She said that she had nothing to loose anyway.  But after a few more times saying no, and in good understanding with her mother, we said yes.  But my goodness, on the day we had planned to take them, I doubted everything. Her mother gave the mushrooms.  Then she took them, I had already taken them, and a close friend and his girlfriend - who had a very deep soul connection with her took the mushrooms too. Ah wait, I suddenly remember that it was on my birthday, the 15th of April, a sunny say. We were in the garden and I got a pug for my birthday, (by the way, the dog told her a few hours later that his name was Bennie)  Everybody took the mushrooms. I had done it a lot but I was terrified that something crazy was going to happen.  I wanted to cancel the deal before we started, but i also knew that there was no turning back . It felt so irresponsible.  Think about it, can you imagine what would happen if things went wrong and everybody got in a bad trip.  Everyone screaming and crying and yelling at me.  This wasn't without risks. But the knowledge that the mushrooms had given me many years before this, was stronger than anything in the world.  But that didn’t make this experiment less insane. (Not that I’m proud of it but I already started to experiment whit things before age seven. By eating the fluorescent paint from the arms of an old fashioned alarm clock.  Because I thought that it would give me superpowers.  I was obsessed by that since a very young age and I tried about anything imaginable to achieve that.  The paint in the alarm clocks was really radioactive in those days. It contained a small amount of radium. (But it doesn’t give superpowers, by the way) On the 15th April we sat on the grass in a circle, all five of us, our knees touched, the sun was shining, the smell of freshly mowed grass and spring blossoms. Birds singing everywhere. Suddenly we all stopped talking.  We leaned forward cross-legged and our skulls touched.  The silence that fell lasted for ages. I was staring at the grass that started to slowly move, as if the grass was dancing for me. I was afraid and expected that someone would start to cry any moment, and then screaming and then total panic.  But after what seemed like hours, she started to giggle. I think that giggle must have been just about the greatest relief I felt in my life.  The horror scenarios fell of me.  And from that moment on, as the mushrooms started to work, I can only say that magic happened. We were talking on a deep level that felt as if there was nothing between us anymore.  As if our body’s were made of light.  Then she watched her hands, mesmerized, and she said and realized: "Wow, I am not my disease, who I am is not my body."  She began to shine as if her soul was made of golden light. You could see the life changing effect that insight had on her. The mushrooms helped us all to make a positive shift.  Massive knowledge in just a couple of hours. The little brothers telepathically communicate insights that are able to turn the most tormented person into a liberated being full of trust in the universe.  Besides all the life lessons we had a lot of fun that afternoon. Just simply enjoying life. The expanded consciousness elevated us into a state of bliss. My friend morphed into a sort of caricature of the Casanova type he already was, black hair, blue eyes, strong jawline and sparkling white teeth.  My future ex-wife suddenly changed into the wise grey woman that she became 13 years later.  The girlfriend of my friend looked like a mixture between an angel and a princess.  We didn’t forgot about the disease, but it moved to the background of the infinite cosmic adventure we were all playing our parts in together Long story short: the magic mushroom trip was very successful.  It changed everyone for the better.  It brought us closer together and made all those difficult topics so much easier to talk about. She could cope with the cancer a thousand times easier. The disease in general brought pain and sadness, but we also had an incredible lot of fun.  For the outside it seems like this must have been an unbearable period, but actually, no, everything happens by itself and you just do things naturally. For the friends and relatives who experienced the process from a distance the situation seemed much more difficult to cope with. One day she wanted to stop the intensive medical treatments. When this option became serious the protests from the outside started.  It did not help and caused a lot of extra stress. She already accepted that she was going to die and wanted to do that with dignity.  She choose quality of life over quantity  She no longer wanted surgeons to cut into her body.  And wanted to get rid of all the tubes in her body.  she just wanted in her last days, weeks or perhaps months, a few normal moments.  We understood that.  But most of the people around us wanted her to keep on fighting for her life.  And perhaps even give her more chemotherapy.  She was such a strong girl, they said.  She should do whatever to survive, they said.  She should not give up, they said. N o matter at what cost, they said.  They tried to convince her.  She said no.  And it really was against all human dignity to let the doctors continue with those tortures. But because she was a minor she was not allowed to decide over her own body.  So at age thirteen she had to plead for her own dead.  She wanted to share her vision on death with them.  But the so-called adults just could not even handle that.  She only wanted to explain to them why they didn’t need to worry about so much about her.  And she wanted to tell them why she was not so desperate as they were.  They could not listen to it without freaking out.  So besides defending her wish she had to comfort the grownups that could not handle the reality of life. She held on until the wish to stop with all the treatments was granted . They say that a disease brings families together. But in reality they split a lot of families.  Many people disappear when things get ugly.  They say: ‘I didn’t know what to say.’  Well, you don’t have to say anything.  Just be there for a moment. Ask how they feel. And then things go naturally. Perhaps it is actually the perfect time to talk about the things that you are afraid to talk about.  A time to share your truths and fears and wishes. Instead of saying that everything will be fine, and that they have to keep on fighting. And making it an even bigger drama only to avoid real contact with the person who is actually going to die for real.  We all die.  Why do we act as if we don't ? Strangely enough children know how to handle it well.  When they are confronted with it at a young age they talk much more naturally about it.  That is how they learn how to deal with it when they grow older.  Its the adults who can’t handle the reality of life.  There is so much ignorance in the world.  Ignorance isn’t bliss.  Ignorance is the cause of all suffering. Many well-meaning people make the suffering so much worse because of unawareness.  Death is a taboo and it shouldn’t be.  Society and our culture are also to blame for that. Anyway. She stopped the treatments, felt better, could spent some beautiful days with her girlfriends. And we made many lovely day-trips. Although sometimes they weren’t so lovely because we had to go home.  She could attend our wedding as a bridesmaid.  That was one of her last wishes that she saw come true. Oh, I forgot to tell about the ayahuasca. Besides magic mushrooms I also gave her that.  Well, I’ll tell this real quick now.  Ayahuasca is well known nowadays, but in those days almost nobody - beside a couple of hippies - knew about it.  On a certain day she said that she wanted to use ayahuasca.  I had talked about ayahuasca with her mother.  I didn’t want her to use ayahuasca because when people take that they start vomiting and get diarrhea. (that is a good purging normally, but not in her condition).  But she insisted.  So finally I ordered that stuff online and cooked the brew myself. She drank it while I looked at her bald head. Even without hair she looked good. Usually she wore a wig. That also looked good, but it’s not really pleasant to wear, especially on warmer days.  I could see her aura that was a sort of a colourless, faded brownish.  I already drank the ayahuasca and that made me see things more clear. I saw how tired her mother was.  She had done so much.  She lived completely for her. I saw the enormous love for her daughter radiating from her.  But also her soul agony because of the people who made her feel as if she wasn’t a good enough mother.  Stopping the treatments was unthinkable in their eyes.  I am not going into it, but at that moment all the karmic family patterns got revealed to me. I didn’t gave her a strong dosage. She wanted more. And eventually I gave it to her. She had to puke.  Weird black stuff, like black ink.  We couldn’t imagine where all that black stuff came from. She hadn’t eaten anything seriously for days.  Nothing else happened during the ayahuasca trip. We all just felt a bit sad. But a few days later she felt so much better that it was amazing. This was totally unexpected because the tumor was incurable according to the doctors. And it would only become worse. She started to feel so good that her mother planned a doctor’s visit for a check up.. And imagine this: there was only twenty percent left of the aggressive and fast-growing tumor! It was really sort of miracle, the doctors said. But nobody talked about the ayahuasca anymore. They decided to give it one more try. Chemo and surgery.  The tumor could be removed because it was small enough now.  And she was strong enough to survive the operation. They gave her a new chemotherapy that was very promising but still in the experimental phase. This was the only chance to survive, they said. Well she didn’t. She died peacefully at home in the arms of her mother. A buzzard who mysteriously was sitting for hours on a branch near her bedroom window, flew away.  The last days before she died all kind of birds came inside the house, strangely enough. Today it is 13 years later Today my ex-wife told me that Maxime was with her last night when she was leading a magic mushroom ceremony. Today for thee first time I sensed in the voice of my ex-wive a sort of softness as if she carefully starts to allow to love herself again. Today I smiled and I told her that Maxime is always with her.