Missing Him

12 more days....it's going to be 6 years since the first ever man who truly loved me unconditionally passed away. And I miss him every minute of every single day.

I can still remember the day that he took me and my younger brother out to watch a movie. It was my first time to enter a cinema, we bought popcorns and soda so we can something to munch on while enjoying the movie. We were watching Superman at that time. And then before going home, we stopped by at Savory to buy chicken for Mom.

He was the one who made me watch Sesame Street everyday, so I can learn how to speak and understand English.....which I think really paid off because I can speak the English language even before they have enrolled me in kindergarden. And he always insists that I watch English movies and shows, read books and magazines with English context too, to further enhance my knowledge about the language.

While growing up, I used to wait for him at night when he comes home from work. I was the one who opens the door for him and then make him his coffee while he eats his dinner with Mom. And every now and then, he has something for me....my most favorite is this hotdog sandwich with lots of mayo and cheese which I joyfully eats before I sleep. Or save it for the morning if I'm too sleepy to eat it.

He has this disease....a very rare disease. In fact we didn't even know it exists until he was diagnosed to be infected with it. It is called "Buerger's disease".....according to google this is also known as thromboangiitis obliterans and it affects blood vessels in the body, most commonly in the arms and legs. Blood vessels swell, which can prevent blood flow, causing clots to form. This can lead to pain, tissue damage, and even gangrene (the death or decay of body tissues. This is caused by smoking cigarettes or any tobacco products.

He was a smoker, he smokes a lot and sometimes that's what causes the small fights between him and Mom. They noticed that the tips of his fingers and toes were slowly turning black. So they went to a doctor to have it checked. And that was the doctor's findings. He was adviced to stop smoking and prescribed him some medicines to prevent the disease from spreading. But eventually, he's got operated on, they cut off three of his fingers and two of his toes. After his operation, I always tenderly massage his hand and feet to ease the pain from the disease and operation.

And not long after that operation.....he was again rushed to the hospital by his colleauges. He had a stroke.

I was shocked and almost fainted when I got a call from my sister that our Dad was in the hospital unconcious. It was my daughter's graduation day (kindergarden)....so right after the ceremony, we took a cab and went to our grandma's house where they were staying at that time. We almost lost him that night, his blood pressure dropped to zero and so is his heartbeat. But thanks God, the doctors were able to revive him. And after more than a month, we were able to bring him home. But the doctor said that he needs an operation, one of his veins is clogged and needed to be treated and we need to raise about 100,000+ pesos for the operation. But he can't guarantee that it would be successful. And also said that we just need to prepare ourselves to whatever happens if worse comes to worst.....meaning we can loose him in a matter of a couple of years.

He became irritable and hard headed at times but it's quite alright. He still takes the kids out and buys them what they want. They eat out a lot, and go to different places they have never been to before.

He always plans for a family outing, one time we went to Batangas and Tagaytay for an overnight stay in a beach resort. We had so much fun there, with all the food that we have with us and the beautiful beach....it was the best overnight ever.

At home, he always want to watch movies and have some pizza for everybody. And sometimes he asks me to cook spaghetti or carbonara from out of the blue.....saying he missed my cooking. And whenever I go out or anyone of us is going to the mall, he always say to buy him a pizza before we come home. It was his favorite pasalubong from us. So whenever I got my pay from work, I stop by at a pizza parlor so I can buy some for him and the family too.

The morning after Valentine's day, my daughter woke me up saying that she got a message from her sister who's staying with Mom and Dad at that time together with his two brothers.

I didn't know what to do when my daughter said these words...."Mama....si Daddy....."I felt my heart stopped beating and then started to beat so fast that I felt it would explode at that moment. We hurriedly fixed ourselves so we can go over the house as fast as we could. The tricycle has barely stopped before I jumped off and ran towards our house. When I reached the gates, I asked them what happened to Dad, they just pointed towards the room, when I got there I saw my Dad. My youngest brother still by his side and crying. He just looked at me and said that...."Daddy is gone....he left us."

I rushed to my Daddy's side, gave him a shake so he would wake up, calling out to him so he can hear me and open his eyes. I know I was crying hysterically at that time, I am refusing the fact that he's truly gone. But when I tried to listen to his heartbeat, thinking that maybe he is still alive and he just went into a coma, I can't feel nor hear anything, not even a faint beat. The doctor who came just a few minutes after we have arrived confirmed his passing.

Years has passed but the pain still remains in my heart. The pain and regret that I didn't even get the chance to talk with him before he was gone. We didn't get the chance to hug him one last time before he left us. But I know he's already happy wherever he is now. No more pain....only happiness.

I MISS YOU DADDY.....