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A peak into a man's mind as he uses Tinder.

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1 month ago

This was written by me for an attempt at making some sort of newsletter type "show" does make me cringe but this was my favorite.

Warning:. Some adult situations and some swearing.

I really have some terrible ideas sometimes. I am glad I've finally started writing them down atleast. Today I'm going to do something really weird, and so far it hasn't been done yet. I'm going to get a girlfriend. Or try to at least. I know that you guys are just here for discord stuff but every once in awhile Simplex is gonna get a little crazy! I don't know how this idea came to me- it just did alright? Maybe the therapy IS working.

I'm going to go on Tinder.. find some cute girl possibly. possibly not! but it'll certainly give me something to write about. I'll do my best to keep it discord related.

I'm going to start by saying this. I've never met anyone from Tinder..YET! and I'll also tell you that I have used it in the past with little "success"

I don't even know what that means but whatever, if you've never used one of these apps, then you're a DAMN LIAR or you're iregretjumping because I can't think of anyone else who has never used a dating app (other than discord) (I think people probably do some naughty stuff in there) You could also be King Richard..I don't think he's used Tinder anyway...He seems more like a (insert obvious joke about an app that you think Richard uses here) ((G-MALE)) kinda guy. But yeah, Tinder is kinda neat, lots of pretty girls.

Alright, back to work.

There. I changed my profile for this experiment.

I put a picture of me (I actually like this picture, might actually be one of my favorites I've ever taken, I wish you guys could see it.)((it's me naked in the shower))

And I've selected some other stuff to tell people allll about me.
- "How I'm staying strong right now" is the prompt tinder gave me, I tell Tinder I've been teaching myself yoga.
- And then I fill out another prompt
- "I'm finally binging Cake on Hulu"
that's what I used for my profile and that's it! it's 1:03 let's see if my beautiful face has attracted any pretty ladies yet.

oh! I have a match! Her name is Cherry, she is a very pretty blonde..I'm guessing she's a bot.

I take a look at her to profile to find out that she is "A woman, 34 miles away"

ah Cherry. you're very pretty I'm sorry we couldn't have made this work.. she is no longer online.

hey now

just matched with a gorgeous lady named Penelope.. she's 87 miles away though darnit.

oh well... I sent her a message or two let's see if she responds.

it's 1:30 now and I've been having a conversation with a pretty girl for about 20 minutes..

"Hey tbh I just arrived on here, can I start the conv by asking you what's your purpose on this app?"

(this was when my bio was something like...

I'm pretty cool..want to know more?

I'm here for a hookup!)

I know.. terrible. I put it there for you guys. but don't worry, I fixed it.

now it says...

I'm pretty cool..want to know more?

I'm here for a hookup!

Not really. just here to chat right now unless you want to come over in this crappy weather..

(The conversation we had went something like this)
Her: what's your purpose on this app
Me: conversation (I didn't tell her I was going to use this for one of my shows)
Me: I tell her my bio is legit (the "fixed" version)
Me: well now it is anyway (I had just fixed it)
Me: wait did you want to hook up? I've never actually done that buut I'm down.
Her: well that seems like a good place to start, I just went through a breakup a few weeks ago and I just want to have some fun.
Her: how about you drop me your number?
Me: here's my number (six nine...six nine.)
She unmatches me and sends me a couple texts

"Hey Steven, this is Penelope"
(I reply "Hey Penelope")

She takes the reigns.

"Great, I put my account in private, I don't want my co-workers to see me on a dating app lol"

"where are you located exactly?"

I tell her my location, praying this isn't someone about to come rob me, I'm vague about where I live as a precaution.

She tells me she knows where that is, about 25 minutes out!

At this point I'm very skeptical..tinder said she was 87 miles away.. I brush it off though.

She asks how long I've been single

I tell her, she then tells me her story.

"Alright, I broke up few weeks ago, tbh I'd just like to have some fun, I hope I'm not on the wrong app for that lol"

it's your lucky day Penelope!

She then asks if I've ever done this before and then tells me

"Ok, it's very new to me but I'd like to hang out sometime, there is a good place in Grand Rapids if you're down" (grand rapids is like 2 hours from where I live)

oh shit shes a hooker and she definitely isn't 25 minutes out. I've got to let her down easy..

but I guess I'm in luck, covid apparently has shut down the cool place she wants me to meet her at. but I could still meet her at her place, lots of beer in the fridge she let's me know.

alright this is easy enough, I'll let her (or her pimp) know Grand Rapids isn't 25 minutes away , and that I have literally no way of getting there.

okay she wants me to come tonight. fuck. it's definitely a trap. jesus christ I'm gonna die for this damn show one of these times.

at 1:55 AM Penelope texts me "Could you come tonight? I'm not working till wednesday but I'm taken tommorow. I can pick you up but you would owe me a little massage :p"

alright.. this lady sure seems persistent, maybe she really did just go through a breakup and genuinely wants to hookup? Maybe this covid stuff is making it hard for beautiful women to find men? Maybe women are just as horny as men! FUCK YEAH! FINALLY! HERE WE GO!

I let her know I have to work Tuesday until Sunday - if she wants this dick well she better get moving.

she warns me.. "You should be aware, I can get quickly aroused when I get a massage"

alright it cool. nevermind, she texts instead.

"Anyway, let's meet up, I use the tinder safe feature I hope you don't mind"

hell no I don't mind you beautiful lady! hell, a few minutes ago I figured you were going to rob me, but now that I know all you want is this dick..damn. hell yeah let's use the safe feature, smart thinking.

I say... "You realize it's like a 2-3 hour drive right"

She doesn't even care (she wannnnts me!) all she is worried about is her safety, I get it Penelope. lots of weird men out there, you're in good hands with simplex though.

she tells me "Noonlight is great, you'll see" "you just have to copy/past me the meeting code noonlight give you on there and then we can meet up" and tells me to go to the link You just have to copy/past me the meeting code noonlight give you on there and then we can meet up "" this is a new thing, but it's a lot safer"

Oh hell yeah Penelope.. I'll put my credit card in to make sure you're safe.. of course!

Penelope wants me to hurry up, she needs this cock already obviously.

She says "But tbh this method confirm your identity and I will not feel really comfortable to see somebody that is not checked"

and then explains that "Noonlight ask your credit card to confirm your information that's it, I did it too.. I wanna make you feel good tonight but I think this verification is necessary"

Well! I mean if she did it, it can't be a scam.

And that's where I'll leave you guys tonight! it's 2:15am and I'm about to meet a smoke show in 3 hours or so, and it's going to be safe as fuck, so definitely won't need a condom!

Sorry if this wasn't quite what you were expecting but I had a fun time writing it! see you next time on Discord! THE SHOWWWWWWWW!

it's late and I really need to be heading to bed, I'm rock hard and good thing too, my new lady friend Penelope will be here soon! byeeeeeee

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Please be kind, I know it isn't what you probably typically find here but I did my best ;P

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