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It's Been 40 Days Since You Were Gone and I'm Still Fighting To Move On
Ever since my mother passed away, I have been writing sad articles about how I literally feel. The feeling of losing the most important person in the family. Please bear with me for being depressed until all the pain is gone away.
I have mentioned before that I am thankful that I found Read.Cash and I considered it my best friend because I can say anything that I feel which I cannot tell others personally.
Through writing, my ideas run and I can write freely what I feel.
The title of this article seems very deep but for me, it is all about my struggles. I am trying my best to move on each day and I am still in the stage of fighting.
I came up with this article when I started to get sick last Monday. I woke up very late in the afternoon with a headache and backache. I told my sister about that while I was still in bed. She asks if the pain is too much or not. I knew she was worried even my sister-in-law especially my father. That was what my mother experienced before.
They told me to go to the doctor if what I am feeling is severe. i told them that maybe it is because of my "scoliosis" and I just got the wrong position in bed. They all told me to eat and drink medicines. I understand their concerns. I have a son to take care.
When my mom was still here, she was the one to help me with my son while I am sick and also with the household chores. But now, I need to tell my nephew first to take care of my son first in feeding and bathing him before doing it.
I was crying in bed as if talking to my mother that I missed her. This was the first time I got sick since she was gone. I missed how she takes care of me. I am really crying whenever I am sick. For me, it lessens the pain if I cry.
I cannot help thinking of my mom. She was my best friend. I can tell almost everything to her. I also tell my mother even those issues at work that I should not be thinking of at home. I don't want to carry any guilt in my mind. Now that she is gone, I just prayed and talk to God how I feel.
I wish someone would ask me and talk to me how am I doing. If I am ok? If I have moved on? Or even someone to listen to all that I want to say or even a shoulder to cry on. Someone who will give me advise or the strength in this times of pain.
I know I can moved on slowly but surely.
I thought I was strong enough. I thought I have cried all the tears. I thought I have accepted what happened. But there is always a single moment that will remind me of her. In everything we do at home, there will be memories of her.
Now I hate darkness. Before, if I know that its already dark, our home will be quiet. My nieces and nephews will all went home. My parents, my son and my younger brother will be left. We will just watch in the television while we were in bed. Simple but we are happy with that. I missed all those moments.
I hate nights. I don't want to rain. I felt the world is crying too even before. I hope to overcome my emotions. My friend told me to keep busy and I am always trying to be busy. But maybe, God wants me to be tough today so that tomorrow will be a better and brighter day for me.
The 40th Day
Today is the 40th day since my mom passed away. I can't imagine that she was gone for almost a month.
I remember when an old lady bought in our store and she told me if its true that my mother was gone. I said yes. Then she was asking what happened. I told the story to her and after that, those memories flashbacked. If I could only go back to the days she was strong, I will protect her from Covid.
It is now 40 days and I am still in the stage of moving on. I feel like I am still pretending to be ok in front of my family but sometimes I just smiled to hide my real emotions.
I dreamed of her one morning. It's been a month when I saw her in my dream. It feels like I was not dreaming. It was surreal.
She was standing in her usual clothes and short holding a travelling bag and asking me a question if the investigation was ok. Since I thought that it was real and I knew she already passed away, I got scared and told her what investigation was that but I was just pretending to be ok. She did not answered.
Then suddenly, I saw her slowly fading in the dark. I got scared but I knew it was her way of saying goodbye to me. I was just curious about the investigation she was referring to. I told my family about my dream and they were laughing when I told them about the investigation.
Whatever it was, one thing is for sure. She visited me. Maybe it was her way of saying goodbye to me.
I always pray that she is very happy in heaven right now.
To my mother, words are not enough to thank you. We never told you before how lucky we are to be your mother. I lost my best friend, a mother and sometimes my enemy, hahaha. We are lucky that God has given you to us. I love you so much. Please be our guardian angel.