It's just a feeling, but the weight is too much.

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3 years ago

High School days for me is the most enjoyable time of my life. I have a lot of happy memories there but there's also a struggles. Not all the time is a happy day, there's also a bad day. That's why, I love to go to school even we don't have a class. I don't go back at home because in our house I feel like I am imprisoned in our own house, it's suffocating at times.

That's why I feel a resentment towards my Mom, I mean my Auntie who became my mother since birth. I feel like the word resentment is so strong as a word the impact is so not right, what I felt for her is just a little "Hinanakit." Or can I even call it hinanakit? I mean, silently I'm ashame to share this but I also cuss at her in my mind.

I mean, I don't know if you feel this too sometimes. But because of too much anger, do you know that feeling that you can't do anything. You can't say anything because you will receive a slap once you disobey them or if I answer back to them and they will say that I am not respecting them. I mean, a respect should be given to those respectful one not because it is the right thing to do.

I mean, it's not like they are always right right you know. They can't just accept the fact that they are not right always but they will just force it to me with their twisted beliefs. Then there's this one time, because of too much anger, frustration and other feelings that you can feel toward people, I vent my anger to our poor wall which is made from concrete.

I blow a punch into it for three times, as in with gigil na gigil feelings. I feel like that wall cracked because of my one punch man, but that's just an exaggeration. I didn't feel anything when I did it, I feel numb and furious. I just want to let my feelings all out on my chest because I feel like I will burst anytime that moment. And that's the only solution I know. And I am just on my room, sulking and asking him why I experiencing it. I feel like I have a sack of sand on my shoulder because of that.

And this happen not just once or twice, it happens for multiple times. And that one is the "Pinakagrabi." Because the next day, that's where I feel the consequence of what I did. It aches so much and I really can't close open my hand because I use my fist, and it really hurts... And magmahal ng ganito, kung sino pang pinili mo hindi makuha ng buo, merong kahati...

And guys, when I feel frustrated and mad I can really become a different person. I will scream on my lungs out, or shout and shouting is really a big help to remove that unwanted feelings, aside from punching out poor concrete wall. And I can really say a hurtful word just to release my anger, that helps a lot.

Anyway, back to the "Hinanakit ng Loob" feelings. Highschool until college, the frustration that I felt whenever we need to spend for our photocopy for our study to the next day. Because I need to ask my Mom again a cash for that, but I can't voice it out because before she gives the money to me she will always question it why we need it pa, that it's a lot of gastusin na naman. While her partner will always second the motion like she didn't experience going in school. Like seriously, she even graduated from college but she never understand me.

That's my problem always, whenever we need money for our school, like when I need money for our defense coz we also need to use load that time. I don't even attend to overnight study coz Mom won't allow me even if it's about in school. When the time when we need to spend to my Classmates house for overnight because the next day is the big day where we will present our program. That's why my classmate will just ask me a contribution of money to other expenses. But I have to give her a reason and I need to talk about it first to my Mom.

I have a lot of struggle during school days, but the good memories that I have experience during those times covered those frustrated moment. I can just add it up to my not so good day. I already forgot it all, and that resentment or displeasure that I felt before was now gone, and forgotten. I just remember it now because I can't think of a good topic so, I just thought of sharing it here.

How about you? Do you also feel that feelings to someone? It's really not good when you feel that to someone so while it still early. Why not have a heart to heart talk to that someone, to remove that ugly feelings and for you to move. That would be a big help to remove that negative feelings that you still have. Just forget it all, talk, and forgive each other so that you're wrinkles will also disappear in your face.

Let go of those heavy feelings that you are carrying in your heart and be forgiving.


March 01, 2021

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3 years ago

Comments

Hindi naman talaga natin maiwasan na magkaroon ng hinanakit sa mga magulang natin. Ako nga nakipagbingihan ako sa nanay ko ng tatlong araw dahil sa sobrang galit. Alam kong mali yung ginawa ko pero mas pinili ko na lang na manahimik dahil ayokong makapagbitaw ng mga salita na hindi nila magustuhan. Baka lumala pa yung away eh.

$ 0.10
2 years ago

Kaya nga, minsan din aksi sobra na sila diba, pero kahit naman ganon pag naging okay na ako, malilimutan ko na din yon. Saka mas marami silang alam kaya makinig nalang tayo

$ 0.00
2 years ago

True. Kaya ok lang na may hinanakit. Natural lang yan. Basta wag lang magtanim ng galit. Salamat sa upvote😊

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2 years ago

Yayy to that, mag tampo lang ganern. Hehw

$ 0.00
2 years ago

The best period of my life so far was when I was in secondary school, I leave home as early as 6.30am just to be in school as early as possible, and My best friend and loyal ones are gotten there, it always fun to be in school even on public holiday we still find our ways to meet... the memories are still fresh

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2 years ago

Hopeful that you will become gentler with your kid/s later on. Healing for your unfortunate childhood experiences. It's good you are writing. Writing is therapeutic.

$ 0.05
2 years ago

I don't know if I really want to have a kids. I'm not 100% sure, I feel like I want a kid but then I hate responsibility and I don't think I can be a good mother. But anyway, I'm still young and I have a lot of time to think about it. I'll jus take my time thinking of it πŸ™ˆ

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2 years ago

Been there. The secret is to be true to your feelings. Marry someone whom you love with all your heart and all willingness will follow. Shalom!

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2 years ago

Haha, not ready for that either. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.

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2 years ago

Hihi, then take your time my dear.

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2 years ago

I have anger with my dad and i mean real anger to the point that i don't even want to see his face because of all the things he did so i pretended that he was non existent UwU

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Even today? Omoo, what kind of bad things did he do for you feel that much hatred. But zi hope u find in yourself to forgive him, before its too late. But if wala naman syang pinapakitang nagsisisis na sya for whatever he did, then... Pabayaan nalang siguro.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

He always threatens to kick me out of the house before when he had a job. And during that time, he kicked my mom out so ako lang talaga nag aalaga sa sisters ko. Then he doesn't do anything at the house so we were basically his maids

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3 years ago

Ay grabi, what kind of father is he. He's so... Hmm πŸ™„

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3 years ago

Yeah lol. Even now na nilayasan nya kami, he asks for money or for help cuz he knows we'll still help orz

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3 years ago

Masyado kaung mabait haha.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I think normal naman yung magkaron ng hinanakit sa parents pero syemre mas ok if hinahayaan na lang din kasi wala din mgandang madudulot kung puno ng hinanakit ang laman ng ating puso.

Hahaha. Gusto ko yung pagpunch-punch mo sa concrete wall. Siguro yung iniisip mo nung time na yun "ui di pala masakit sapakin ang wall". Hahaha. Tapos biglang kinabukasan, "aray!". Hahaha. Nasapak ko na din wall at sahig noon. Pero dahil mas masakit yung nararamdaman ko sa puso kaya hindi ko naramdaman yung sakit sa kamay. πŸ˜…

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3 years ago

Kaya nga, forget and forgive and move nalang. Mahirao din kasi ung may galit sa katawan .

Ahaha, manhid nga ako that time ee talagang basta mailabas lang ang galit ba. Hahaha tapos kinabukasan, aruykopooo nanay πŸ˜•πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

sana all kayang sumigaw pag galit coz' I can't. haha. That's the hardest part yung ang sakit sakit, ang bigt bigat but the only thing you can is to cry silently and endure the pain. haha. hugot. Anyways, in my case, college is the best and enjoyable.haha. Nung college lang ako nakagala ng bongga coz' when I was a high school student, bahay at school lang. 6pm dapat asa bahay na kundi bonggang sermon bibigay sayo.haha

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sumisigaw talaga ako, kasi pag diko nagawa masakit sa dibdib kaya daoat ilalabas talaga. Tapos kelangan may mapaglabasan din, kaya naibubunton ko sa haligi namin ahaha. Bag naman dika makasigaw kaya?

Kahit college di ko talaga nagawa gusto ko, daming bawal ayaw na ayaw akong pag puyatin πŸ™„

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I think so. Need talaga isigaw or do something na makakatulong ilabas sama ng loob kasi mahirap talga magkimkim.

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3 years ago

Naalala ko si kuya ko ... Basag glass ng bintana namin prang ganyan dn sa case mo.. Blacksheep sa fam yun eh πŸ˜… pro prang hndi kna mn blacksheep.. Ako iniiyak ko nlng kpgy sama ng loob..

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Ehh, ako naman eiko kaya ss glass baka mabubog pa ako ahahaha. Di man ako blacksheep, ang dami ngang bawal at hindi ako makasuway πŸ˜‚

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Strikto b tlga mama mo? Buti sakn mbait 🀣🀣

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Ay oo, grabi nga ee hahaha. Pero noon un ngayon lie low na sya. Nga pala nag publish ka ng article ung mention lang ang lumabasa sa notif sa sakin, ung mismong article mo hindi.

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3 years ago

Punta k nlng sa profile ko.. Ganyan minsan..ay topak si rc

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3 years ago

Me a lot. School and at home..

Like no one siding at you..

Super bad memories ko talaga ang higschool at college even elementary days..

Walang maganda nangyarinsa buhay ko puro pag bubully ang mga natatanggap ko. We're not even close with my brother and sisters. I don't have real friends in real world.. at yung feeling na kahit magulang mo walang naniniwala sayo... I've attempted suicide more than 10 times na rin... Yung feeling na sukong suko ka na...

Actually hontestly... Even hanggang ngayon. Gusto ko na tlga sumuko. Pinipilit ko lang msging masaya at di ko pinapakita sa noise at sa grupo 😁😁

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Wait lang, bakit ka binubully? Anong problema nila sayo? Kahit nagsabi kana ss parents mo dika nila pinapaniwalaan? Wae? Anak ka nila sure maniniwala din un sila sayo. How about friends? Best friend? Aside from dogs ha.

Wag mo itutuloy yan, ang sarap sarap mabuhay ee. Just stop thinking about them and just think about yourself and your doggos. Walang magandang mabuting maidudulot yan kaya don't try it again. You can talk naman to us here, or if di na talaga kaya di mag rant ka. Wag mong ikulong sa dibdib mo ang nararamdaman mo, masakit sa dibdib yang ganyang nagpipigil. And fighting lang okie? πŸ’ͺ

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3 years ago

As in wala no bestfriend. I had na tinuturing kong friends pero... Laruan lang tingin sakin.... Victim ako ng bully dahil sa mukha ko.. Malas ang tawag nila sakin.. Kaya tumigil din ako nung college kasi kala ko kahit lumipat na kami may pagbabago. Pero same oa rin... Siguro malas lang tlga ako pagdating sa real friends.

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3 years ago

Why? What's wrong with your face? Why so madaming mapanghusga sa mundo πŸ˜•. Nakakagalit ang mga ganyang tao, kala moy mga napaka perpekto. Okie lang ssna kahit may isa kang close friend, basta real at di fake. Kaso mahirap na atang maghanap ng ganyan sa mundo ngayon.

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3 years ago

My face is tabingi. Like I can't smile at all... Kaya inggit talaga ako sa mga nakangiti. Tinatawanan nila ako pag nakikita nilang tumatawa o kahit ngiti lang.. walang nerve kasi ung right cheeks ko. Banlag, the way I smile.. no ears.. Minsan bulol magsalita ung S ko tulog ets... Basta... Marami... They called me weird and creep... Hahaha... Basta lahat lahat na. May unano na schoolmate hindi nila binully.. pero sakin mas grabe.. ewan hahaha maas lang tlga ako 😁

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3 years ago

Grabi naman yang mga yan 🀬. Wala manlang nagtatanggol sayo? Kahit makipag friend ka? Baka naman dika din nakikipag friend? Bat ssmin naman walang ganyan, may kaklase din ako na kaiba ng lips nya pero close nya ang lahat. Friendly naman kasi sya saka kenkay din, pero bat jan ss inyo 🀦🀦

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3 years ago

At yung mga tinuring kong close friends ay yung mga characters na ginawa ko sa story.. lahat ng main characters sa story mga ko ang mga bestfriend ko.. na minsan napapanaginipan ko na rin sila kung ano nakikita ko sa story ko lumalabas dinnsa panaginip and likewise. Kung ano nakikita sa panaginip ko sinusulat ko din 😁😁

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3 years ago

Minsan pa nga.. pag tatabi ako sa kanila nandidiri pa sila like what? I'm not a monster... Pero ganun tlga....

Kaya simula nun... Imbis namataas grade ko. Intentionally ko tlga binaba grades ko.. kasi kahit like what time napili ako sa quiz game per section. Marami nainggit na nagalit.. bakit si ganyan bakit sya bakit ganun... At simula nun tinamad na rin ako magaral... Kaya puro sulat na lang ako ng mga stories ko.. lahat ng galit at hinaing ko sinusulat ko nlang at gngwan ko ng story... Kaya yung mga story doon. 30-50% real life na totoong nangyayari na hinahalo ko nlang ng may mga powers.. kasi un ung number one wish ko. Magkaron ng powers lolol.

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3 years ago

Useless din kahit anong reach out ko... Batang metro manila.. private school... Ay ewan hahaha.. highschool plang ilang beses nko nag attempt. Pumunta sa rooftop na dapat tatalon na sana ako sa mataas na building.. Napost ko ung article na yan if I meet my 15years self highschool days.

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3 years ago

There are many similar stories and many different stories but have the same feeling. Life is hard, as I wrote last. I have to endure great heartache because the members of the organization prefer money politics to truth,

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3 years ago

True, and the burden ia so much right, you can't do anything but just to stay put and do nothing.

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3 years ago

May I ask, did you already had a hart to hart talk with her? Coz if not then you answered it with the last 2 paragraphs..

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3 years ago

Mejo, di direct basta naintindihan ko naman sya. Ganon talaga lalo na wala na syang work at asa nalang sa o Pension syempre magiging you know, parang pasan lagi ang daigdig ba. Nong nag graduate ako, un na nawala na. Tapos may tumubong bago, hahaha. Nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng hinanakit sa kanya about sa ibang bagay pero nawawala namn agad. Diko lang kayang magalit sa kanya ng matagal, naaawa din ako kay mami ee.

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3 years ago

Oo gnyan lng, ung understanding lakihan pa lalo nat tumatanda sila and you know sa mga nagkakaedad mdali silng magtampo.. bka mauna k png tatanda sa knila pag iniistress mo sarili moπŸ˜….. they speak blessings pag mabait k sa knila

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Kaya nga ee, minsan nga mas matigas pa ulo nila sakin hahaha.

$ 0.00
3 years ago