High School days for me is the most enjoyable time of my life. I have a lot of happy memories there but there's also a struggles. Not all the time is a happy day, there's also a bad day. That's why, I love to go to school even we don't have a class. I don't go back at home because in our house I feel like I am imprisoned in our own house, it's suffocating at times.
That's why I feel a resentment towards my Mom, I mean my Auntie who became my mother since birth. I feel like the word resentment is so strong as a word the impact is so not right, what I felt for her is just a little "Hinanakit." Or can I even call it hinanakit? I mean, silently I'm ashame to share this but I also cuss at her in my mind.
I mean, I don't know if you feel this too sometimes. But because of too much anger, do you know that feeling that you can't do anything. You can't say anything because you will receive a slap once you disobey them or if I answer back to them and they will say that I am not respecting them. I mean, a respect should be given to those respectful one not because it is the right thing to do.
I mean, it's not like they are always right right you know. They can't just accept the fact that they are not right always but they will just force it to me with their twisted beliefs. Then there's this one time, because of too much anger, frustration and other feelings that you can feel toward people, I vent my anger to our poor wall which is made from concrete.
I blow a punch into it for three times, as in with gigil na gigil feelings. I feel like that wall cracked because of my one punch man, but that's just an exaggeration. I didn't feel anything when I did it, I feel numb and furious. I just want to let my feelings all out on my chest because I feel like I will burst anytime that moment. And that's the only solution I know. And I am just on my room, sulking and asking him why I experiencing it. I feel like I have a sack of sand on my shoulder because of that.
And this happen not just once or twice, it happens for multiple times. And that one is the "Pinakagrabi." Because the next day, that's where I feel the consequence of what I did. It aches so much and I really can't close open my hand because I use my fist, and it really hurts... And magmahal ng ganito, kung sino pang pinili mo hindi makuha ng buo, merong kahati...
And guys, when I feel frustrated and mad I can really become a different person. I will scream on my lungs out, or shout and shouting is really a big help to remove that unwanted feelings, aside from punching out poor concrete wall. And I can really say a hurtful word just to release my anger, that helps a lot.
Anyway, back to the "Hinanakit ng Loob" feelings. Highschool until college, the frustration that I felt whenever we need to spend for our photocopy for our study to the next day. Because I need to ask my Mom again a cash for that, but I can't voice it out because before she gives the money to me she will always question it why we need it pa, that it's a lot of gastusin na naman. While her partner will always second the motion like she didn't experience going in school. Like seriously, she even graduated from college but she never understand me.
That's my problem always, whenever we need money for our school, like when I need money for our defense coz we also need to use load that time. I don't even attend to overnight study coz Mom won't allow me even if it's about in school. When the time when we need to spend to my Classmates house for overnight because the next day is the big day where we will present our program. That's why my classmate will just ask me a contribution of money to other expenses. But I have to give her a reason and I need to talk about it first to my Mom.
I have a lot of struggle during school days, but the good memories that I have experience during those times covered those frustrated moment. I can just add it up to my not so good day. I already forgot it all, and that resentment or displeasure that I felt before was now gone, and forgotten. I just remember it now because I can't think of a good topic so, I just thought of sharing it here.
How about you? Do you also feel that feelings to someone? It's really not good when you feel that to someone so while it still early. Why not have a heart to heart talk to that someone, to remove that ugly feelings and for you to move. That would be a big help to remove that negative feelings that you still have. Just forget it all, talk, and forgive each other so that you're wrinkles will also disappear in your face.
Let go of those heavy feelings that you are carrying in your heart and be forgiving.
March 01, 2021
--
Hindi naman talaga natin maiwasan na magkaroon ng hinanakit sa mga magulang natin. Ako nga nakipagbingihan ako sa nanay ko ng tatlong araw dahil sa sobrang galit. Alam kong mali yung ginawa ko pero mas pinili ko na lang na manahimik dahil ayokong makapagbitaw ng mga salita na hindi nila magustuhan. Baka lumala pa yung away eh.