I was crying while sitting in that washroom floor. No one could see me crying, screaming like a baby who bawls up. Every part of my body was aching. My last two brain cells couldn't think of anything but a slideshow of all the bad memories was going on. The only thing I wanted at that time was poison because I don't want to add pain so let these torments be buried with this undignified body of mine. I couldn't a find escape nor poison nor peace. Gathered all the energy to stand up all the way from washroom floor and then sat again for the next few hours under the shower and wondering WHY? WHY IT HAPPENED?
But I was struggling to understand why it happened. Life is uncertain and unfair at times, you don't get answer to your why's.
You don't get answers to your whats, "what is gonna happen next, ab Kia Hoga." I kept thinking and kept crying but the only best thing was even I couldn't feel my tears because it was all mixed up with the water of the shower. After crying for good 5 hours carried myself,dragged myself out of the shower and got out of the washroom just to lay in the bed and kept weeping till my pillow was all wet. But at least I had a blanket in the cold winter night in my room but I couldn't feel cold or anything in the washroom either. What sort of pain was that? In what state of mind I was? Maybe I was too lost in my thoughts. Well I kept crying and I don't know when I fell asleep but woke up the next day just to lay again.
While I laid again I kept turning the pages and pages of all that was going on in my head and I the only thing I knew was Life is a vicious circle from which there seems no escape. All of a sudden all the determination and will to live has left me. I want to prepare myself for the time when I'll reach the end of the trail. But I feel justified in terminating a life which no longer holds any hope of having the essentials that make it worth living. I am defeated and exhausted physically and emotionally. I want to go to sleep painlessly. I have been enduring for so long for the peace and the eternal rest.
