Is what I feel now normal?

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1 year ago

I don't encourage false positivity. Be sad when you're sad. Cry if you must. Be angry if you are. Let it out. Honor your emotions but always dwell on the positive ones. - - Word Porn

Have you experienced being irritated by people who forced you with their motivational words because according to them that's the right thing to do? It's like being invalidated of how you feel regardless of the circumstances you've experienced. They will compare you to themselves and you will feel even more worthless. I want to never to talk to them for I feel that it's not working anymore, it makes the worst out of me even more. All I want is to go somewhere where no one knows me.

I'm not sure if I'm experiencing depression because I don't care anymore to what others say. I want to be alone all the time. One of the reasons why I don't talk to my friends is bacause they always invalidate my feelings. Instead of understanding and listening to what I'm saying, they'll tell me that it's too dramatic.

Am I bad if I can't force myself to chat in the group chat with my friends? They know me as a jolly person but in reality I'm the type of person who is very serious. When I'm quiet, they think that I'm just being dramatic.

I no longer try to share about myself or what I really feel for I know that I will be preceded by their answers that they are like this or that, that's easy, as if whatever I feel is invalid. I'm like a patient who is having a seizure and instead of giving me the right treatment, I'm just told that "hey, don't joke with us, stop having a seizure".

One time, I talked about my feelings but they laughed and made jokes that I don't think fit in what I was going through. They think that everything I say will come across as jokes. When I don't speak up anymore, this is the time when they give motivational words that I don't think will really help me. Instead of easing my feelings, I feel even more worthless to myself. I feel more sorry for myself because it sticks in my mind that I'm too weak because for them it's just that simple. So when I feel sadness, problems, or depression I prefer to be alone because I don't think they understand me.

Earlier, I read the chat in gc(group chat) that I had really forgotten about them. I haven't even chatted in a few weeks and said that I wanted to be alone. I don't have chat even a simple greetings like good morning or good night. The truth is, I don't forget about them, I just want to be quiet on social media, stay away from the things that make my feelings worse. They feel that I'm ignoring our friendship because of what I'm doing. But I don't intend to hurt them. I stayed away because I don't want them to sympathize with whatever problem I have, I don't want the gc to be sad and I can't keep up with their conversations. I want the conversation to be fun and they get used to me being like that.

There are times when I want someone to talk to, someone who will just listen and make me feel that he is there. It's okay even if he doesn't speak as long as I can feel his presence. The one who won't make me feel weak and won't be compared to them because they understand me.