Gone

Waiting. I hate waiting. I brought things with me. A computer, books, and a few things to fiddle with, just to keep my hands busy. None of it helps. None of it works.

Staring at the computer screen to watch one of my favorite shows is useless and I quickly give up.

People keep telling me to calm down, relax. They tell me everything will be fine. I'm just getting worked up. I worry too much. I do worry too much but this time I have a reason.

How can I not worry when I don't know what's going on? I've asked but no one is telling me anything. It's frustrating. The more they try to calm me down, the more I want to scream.

The atmosphere of the room is heavy, tense and almost suffocating and I need to leave. I can't stand the way everyone is acting, so I get up and go to the cafeteria. I just need to get out of the waiting room. I thought I did anyway.

The smell of cafeteria food isn't appealing and I suddenly realize I don't want to be here. Outside, maybe some fresh air will help. It's cold and raining and I hope that's not a sign of what's to come.

I need to go back to the waiting area. What if I missed the doctor while I was out here? What if something happens and I'm not there? I hurry back.

They ask me if I ate anything. I shake my head. I'm not hungry and it doesn't matter how much they tell me I should eat. I will eat, but not now. I'll eat later once I know everything is okay. I don't think I could keep anything down right now anyway.

I can't stand the looks they're giving me. Ranging from pity to worry to exasperation. They mean well but I need them to stop looking at me like that so I hide behind my book.

I try to focus on the words but the pages may as well be blank for all I'm taking in. I keep reading the same sentence but I still don't know what it says.

I tear my eyes away from the clock for what feels like the hundredth time. It's only been ten minutes since I came back. How is that possible? Time is moving so slowly and it's torture.

We have to be patient. It seems easy enough for the rest of them. They're quietly talking to each other and I wonder how they can seem so okay with this. One of them asks if I want a coffee but I just shake my head. She gives me a look like she's disappointed in me but doesn't say anything before leaving to get drinks for every one else.

In the back of my mind I lecture myself for not thanking her for the offer. They were nice enough to let me come today with them even though I'm an outsider. They're family. I'm not. Friends and family aren't the same. That's what the staff said when I begged to see him before they took him in.

I must have been staring off into space. His mother is back with drinks now and she quietly offers one to me. I don't want it but I take it anyway. I don't want to be rude to her again. This time I find my voice enough to murmur a small thank you. I'm not even sure she hears but she gives me a light pat on the shoulder and sits down again.

The TV is tuned to the weather station with the sound off. I look at it without really seeing it. I notice his mother watching me from the corner of her eye and I take a small sip of coffee. It's bitter. I normally like sugar in my coffee but I don't really care this time. The warmth is soothing and before I know it I'm finished but I don't let go of the cup.

I don't know why I keep holding it, but I do. It was warm and full. Now it's cold and hollow. The doctor said it would only be a couple of hours but it's been more than that and nobody is telling us anything. Every time a voice comes over the intercom with a code my heart races and I hope they aren't going where I'm afraid they are.

Finally the doctor comes in and I'm on my feet before I can stop myself. I'm hoping for good news but I'm so scared. I try to read his face but his expression gives nothing away. He looks at all of us, then turns to me and says I may want to sit down. I didn't even notice I was the only one standing. Nothing he says matters after that. The world is tilting and I am crying. My best friend in the entire world is gone.