The Puzzled Reaper

[Writing Prompt] There is more than just the Grim Reaper- there is the Sorrowful Reaper, the Envious Reaper, so on and so forth- one for each emotion. Each one reaps a death based on the emotions behind the death. You were chosen to take over one of the Reaper roles... Welcome to day one as the Puzzled Reaper.

******

"Can all new reapers report to the Common Room for debriefing!'

I really needed that, because I didn't know what the hell I was doing there.

***

Yesterday, I was just a twenty-year-old college student having my morning jog. Next thing I knew, I was standing on the curb looking at my lifeless body as the hit-and-run car zoomed off.

"What the..."

"Confused, are we? Well, let me spell it out for you -you're dead."

I turned around to see a man in a dark suit holding a scythe. He looked very unmotivated and tapped his feet impatiently while waiting for me to process what I just heard.

"I... I'm what now? What do you mean?"

"I mean you just got hit by a truck and your insides have been smashed. You're dead, and I've come to process your -eh, passage into the next phase. It's my last day on the job, so please don't make this annoying for me, I'll be in Hell by the end of the day or something."

"Wh-what? Are you... death?"

"Not necessarily. I am the Puzzled Reaper, at least for the next couple of hours. I'm assigned to souls who are confused about their deaths, like you. Now look, you have three choices here..."

'I need a break."

"And I'm going to be burning in hell today, sh!t happens, suck it up."

'But... I can't die. I need to take care of my mom. I need to finish school! I..." I said, distraught as I watched Emergency Responders but me in a body bag and wheel me into their vehicle.

"No one ever really deserves to die, but no one deserves to live either. Life is just a game of Russian Roulette, you never know what you're gonna get. Cheer up, yesterday, I had to process two 14-year-olds. They were playing with Lithium Batteries when the batteries exploded. Looked like shit, and I still can't believe they were puzzled about dying. Every day on the job gets wilder and..."

"You're not even helping matters! Aren't you supposed to be a little more, I don't know, more sensitive or something?"

"Well, let's do that then. Oi, mate! Can see you're a bit puzzled over your death there, I've been there before, and I'm here to help. Note that your death is a permanent contract, no take-backsies, no rewinds, no pretty-please. Also, you have three choices on what you're going to do with your soul from now on. Wanna hear it?'

"Well, yeah, I guess."

"Okay good. You can proceed to the place of judgment - you know, Heaven and Hell..."

"Am I going to heaven?"

"Sheesh, hold your horses. That's not my place to know. Just a courier, remember? Although, you can guess where you're going by remembering what you did when you were.. er, alive, you know."

I was freaking unsure of myself. Sh!t! Sh!t! Sh!t!

"And then you can choose to be a ghost or other of these paranormal beings, stalking people, watching the humans you love and doing a thing or two now and then to make the paranormal enthusiasts go bonkers. If you ask me, that's creepy and like, total invasion of privacy, but then it's your call.'

Spending my time watching my mom crying about me and watching some d!ckhead taking my girlfriend wasn't my idea of a happy eternity.

"What' the last one?"

"Oh, yeah. This option is only available because, you know, I'm soon to be out and there's a vacancy. We're like, 20 puzzled reapers out there, and the job is damn tiring. IK quit because of the physical and emotional strain. Think you can handle it?"

It did seem like a better option, so I took it.

******

"Okay kiddo, here's your manual on how to do this stuff and your scythe. Your first assignment is at a high school in Colorado." Grim said as he handed me a little pamphlet.

"High School? What the hell is..."

"School shooting. Happens quite a lot. Go kiddo!" He said and walked away.

Go where? How?

I opened the manual and read the first page. The damn thing had only five pages.

To transport yourself to the scene of the latest assignment, say 'Transport'.

"Well, that's stupid. How the hell is saying 'transport' going to..."

I was interrupted by a crunch in my bowels. Then it felt like I was being squeezed into a hole. Then finally, opening my eyes was at a school.

The whole scene was chaotic. Parents crying everywhere as they grabbed their lucky kids that were still alive, or mourned their lifeless kids who were being put in body bags., I tried not to look at them too long, because it made me wonder if my mother cried like this too.

A sad thing really.

I opened the manual again, unsure of what to do.

To reveal the dead souls for processing, say 'reveal'.

I really expected things to be a little more sophisticated than this.

"Reveal"

A group of kids, about six or seven, started glowing brightly. They all looked confused, glancing around and murmuring and themselves. At least they were all in one group.

This should be easy.

I marched up to them and said "Attention Please!"

'Wait, this guy can see us?" one of the boys asked.

"Finally, some help around here. What happened?" another boy asked.

"Yeah, he can! Wait, what's with the scythe?" one of the girls asked.

"He's here to kill us. Dammit!"

Oh brother. Now I know what the other guy felt.

"You're already dead. School shooting. Isn't that obvious?" I asked, surprised at how much I sounded like my predecessor.

"School shooting? Then it's true! Damian did bring a real gun to school. Where's the mother..."

"He's been taken by the Grim Reaper."

"What? Isn't that you?"

"Er... no. I'm the puzzled reaper. I'm here to process the souls of people who do not understand their deaths or who met it unexpectedly and are confused about what happens next."

"So you're like the customer care service... of death?"

"No, I'm the Puzzled Reaper," I answered exasperatedly.

'So are you going to give us scrabble or something?" another laughed.

"No.'

"Aren't you gonna be debriefing us?"

"Can you guys JUST CUT ME SOME SLACK? This is my first day on the job, I died yesterday and I'm still super-confused here."

"Okay... but isn't there a school for you guys or something?"

"No, but there is a manual."

I opened it and read the third page.

Enquire of their preferred choice in eternity and tag them with the tags in your suit's breast-pocket. The options available are 'Judgement' and 'Earthly Retention'.

Oh yeah, this was the stuff that guy was talking about yesterday.

"Okay, you guys have two paths to choose from. Either go on to the afterlife to be judged..."

"You mean Heaven and Hell?"

'Yeah."

"So they exist?"

"Apparently."

"Do you know where we're going to go?'

"No. That's classified. Not even the Grim Reaper knows that.'

From the looks on their faces, not one of them was sure that they were going to heaven. Life sucks, and then you die.

"What's the last option?"

"You can choose to stay here as a ghost, or whatever. Watch the ones you loved, spook people out, whatever."

"Oh yeah! I'll totally do this. Spending the rest of my eternity watching girls' in the bathroom...' one of the boys said enthusiastically while the girls looked at him with disgust.

"I feel I should tag you for judgment, really,' I said, disgusted. Too bad it wasn't in my power to decide.

In the end, three of them decided to stay. Weirdos. Four wanted to go to the afterlife. I wasn't sure if they were sure of their eternity, or they, like me, couldn't bear the thought of seeing the people the loved without being able to touch them or be with them.

I opened the manual's fourth page.

After tagging, those who decide to be judged should be reaped by slashing them with the scythe. The other party can leave.

Oh, now this was exciting.

"Okay, the guys who are staying here van leave!" I said and watched them zoom off to continue in their perverse or creepy ways. Three girls and a boy stood before me, looking unsure.

"What happens to us?' they asked.

I brought my scythe up.

"You get ripped," I said, slashing through all three of them., They just faded, expressionlessly.

Great.

I opened the manual's fifth page.

Congratulations on completing your crash course. To return to the Reapers'Base, say 'Return'.

Well, well. I finally graduated.

******

This is based on a writing prompt I saw on Reddit.