Rusty's gone for almost 4 months in this account, it's all started last August 23, 2021. It was the day when Readcash updated their system, it's affect how rusty.

It's a riddle for me, because rusty gone all of sudden without any warning but my account are not spam yet. I don't know the reasons why, I also asked if I'll make new account or continue with this.

But a lot of users said, make a new one and comeback here if Rusty's visited mine again.

I just shared what happened to my cousin and also to me during the times that I'm gone, actually it's out of my idea that rusty will cameback. I'm just typing and typing and typing and typing about what my mind speaks, and what my brain says.

Out of nowhere, when I check my account there's a notification of RandomRewarder and suddenly I was stunned.

It's Christmas, I just didn't expecting this that Rusty will come and visit me after 4 months of not being in a service.

It's a all of sudden shock for me to see Rusty on my notification, I already make a new acc which is the @GyraG. But sadly, I lost my email after formatting my phone and I forgot my password also to that account, I might be forgetful because I don't remember them.

What I only retrieve was the email from my school and the email from this account, It can't help..I forgot to list them down before formatting.

Since it was Christmas Break, I'm trying my best to be more active again.

I Literally Give-up.

I literally give up in writing, but in my messenger, I have a lot of diaries stating my feeling. My Facebook messenger become a diary of mine, where I always share what I feel. I really lost my interest in writing.

I feel like hanging around with nothing, although even if I'm not active but still I have a lot of articles in my draft which I made but didn't published them. I'm just wondering if I will going to publish them or not, but since it was Christmas break already and I have a lot of time, I'll do my best to be active again.

My boyfriend/girlfriend, told me not to giveup my passion in writing, she also told me that she will going to support me at my worst.

I'm so thankful because I met someone like her who shows how important I am even if my anxiety is taking all over the place, it's killing me emotional.

The Reason Why I Can't Fight Back This Emotions.

• It's my parents who said that, it's hard for me to see them inside the house. I felt like I was holding something where I am near to blowup.

My father shout at me, told me, "If you hate to be in this house then took your own life".

Those words echoes to my mind each day, and my anxiety got only worst because of it. Because of them.

I ended up placing the knife in my chest, while breathing heavier because of my emotions. It's where the memories pop-up, and I asked myself, "If I do this right now, how can I deal with the people who loves me? How can I deal with the people who supports and have believes on me? I'll just passed down the pain to them."

I throw a knife, and met my tears flow. My knees suddenly feels weak, I sat down and just cry and cry. Asking myself again, "Will I solve this if I took my life? Or I will suffer more when I do it?."

I know I can't solve anything, I know it will be hard for me to solve them and to appreciate my own hardwork since the whole environment who surrounds me were negatives and toxics. That's how I live, that's what my life is.

My Cousin Told Me, It's Better If I Go Away From Here, and Also The People I know Told me The Same.

• So lately because of my anxiety, I literally messed up everything. I become inactive, I lost interest and I have a lot of questions in my mind and in myself where I already blaming my own that they give birth to me.

• Most of the people I know, already told me that it's better if I go somewhere else and to leave here sooner rather than later. Also ate @Yen (sorry for mentioning you po ate) comment the same.

My cousin talked to me about adjusting my flight, actually I don't Open-up any of my problems because she lost her oldest sister weeks ago then here I am bringing up a new problem to deal with. I feel sorry for her and I really feel devastated of something.

I know someone who's also a Psychologist, I told everything to him. They know each other so maybe that's the reason why my cousin figure it out.

He also said the same thing, he told me that It's better if I leave here ealy rather than later. Because no matter how much advice or comfort, that the people gave me, they're sure that I will end up my life like Areum's Oldest sister.

Areum told me that someday I'll go back here, I just need some space so that I can catch up all my mood and start thinking positive again. However, in the past few weeks, days, everything got worst.

The worst part is, my parents told me that they wished me dead..the impact is real, the pain was also unbearable.

But again, the people surrounds me told me how lovable I am.

So this is the conversation that Areum said after fuguring out what's happening:

Her: This isnthe only time that I will speak up. It's bullshit if someone told you to die na kapag sinusumbat sayo buhay mo dito sa mundo. How can a parents do that with their own child? Home must be a home not a hell. Di ko alam kung magagalit ako o ano. Parents should know the limitation of their own child. Wishing them to die? Hope you didn't give birth to it then. Saying words and fcking things that setting up their own child? If that child of yours took their own life can they do something about it? Yet we can't blame the people who took their own life because of their own family. We must considered something and considered their feelings. We are the one who's trying to save them but we got no strong connection on someone's mind. If someone suffers because of it then no respect must be give since it was bullshit to respect the people who bringing us down even our parents. Not because they are older than us it doesn't mean we need to respect them. No. The resoect is from ourself. Even if you're old or young the respect must be earned. The reality is always reality. If anyone can speak up to someone then do it. I really hate to admit it but my patience was literally took off everything after hearing what happened.

She's angry, yeah. She's really angry because of what happened.

Author's Note:

I know this is my privacy, but let me share this because I want to spill out what I feel. Just in this moment, this one helped me to understand what I really feel.

-OfficialGamboaLikeUs

I wanna say thankyou to ate @Sweetiepie for renewing your sponsorship, and also thankyou so mu h for keeping me motivated despite of my negative mind. Hope this Christmas will be blessed to all of you 💗

Advance Merry Christmas everyone!