Keep on denying

I was facing this stage, I always thought that being ok with everything is good, But I realized that it kills me inside, I easily get upset and irritated, but I pretend to be ok. Some people are rude to me, some are nice. I don't have the power to read their minds but I just can't help it, I saw something in their eyes that gives me thought that I should not be attached. I try to get along with them,but even though I try I always end up being alone and enjoying my own company, they thought that I'm "super social" but I am really an anti social. Why? I'm like this? Why I can't have a BEST BEST FRIEND? I have a lots of friends and acquaintance but I don't have such thing called "best friend" I can't rely on others.. why? Because I saw something in their eyes, if they are sincere or not. Having this gut feeling makes me feel anxious exhausted and guilty, maybe because that is also my reflection? I keep asking my self everyday why am I like this? Pretending to be ok but there's a lot to say. Denying something gives me fear. What should I do? What will I do? How should I do it? Why? There's a lot of questions in my mind. Should I be more mindful?