@Not_my_style 25 June 2021 more from that month

The GHOST of 'What Ifs'

I tried to focus on what my brain's asking myself, and just like a conditioned practical leprechaun, the answers were all automatic, as if programmed to work that way. 'What do you want to become?' I DO NOT KNOW. BECOME A ____, AND **MAKE MY FAM PROUD**. 'What are your plans after your schooling?' I DO NOT KNOW. FIND A WORK, SAVE MONEY, FIND A PARTNER, AND **MAKE MY FAM PROUD**. BULLSHIT! No. Scratch that. I actually DO know what I want to *become* and I DO know what I want to *do*. But I left myself without a choice. And yes, you read that right and I just did that_ I LEFT MYSELF WITH 'NO CHOICE'. I was so fixated on proving my worth, on my desire to show everyone that I am capable, that I can do it . . . ALONE But who am I fooling? There are times when I want to leave all this shit, stop everything that I'm doing, and SCREAAAAAM at the top of my lungs. I imagine doing what I want. I imagine picking the toy that I really want to play, the cookie that I really want to munch, the icing that I really want to eat. And all are rainbows and unicorns, with matching glitters and confetti. Thus, I decided this is it! This is what I will do. This is what I want to do. This is what I have to do. And yet, once again, I realize that ***TIME and I were NEVER in good terms, and sometimes, somehow, MY clock rotates BACKWARDS.*** `(LEN)`