All babies are different, so I don't get it when people around me keep comparing my baby to other babies. In this article, let me share my personal take about the never-ending Comparison Trap.
Conversation of two mommies
Mommy 1: How old is your baby?
Mommy 2: He is 20 months now.
Mommy 1: And he didn't tell a word yet? My baby is 18 months when he said her first word (boasting tone)
Mommy 2: Really? Good for your daughter (but she had killed the mother ten times in her mind LOL)
End of friendship, I mean the end of the conversation.
The conversation above sucks and to make it worse, it is inevitable.
The Norms
Because we are human, we tend to compare a lot of things around us. We do this for different reasons. I am also guilty of doing this. I used to compare myself with others to the point that I even questioned my own abilities. I almost got lost on the track. We are living in a world that comparing one from the others looks normally fine but it isn't. Once someone becomes a parent, you can't escape this trap. Once in a while, you may do this thing too, intentionally or unintentionally. It is actually common, especially to first-time parents. You will hear a lot of these coming from your friends, your neighbors, and even from your family and relatives. They may even compare your kids to you!
Is comparing Good or Bad?
It lies in how you deliver your speech (sermon in Tagalog). Let us say that your intentions are good but you keep on shouting at your kids while telling them to do this or that. You even sometimes hit him while you continue praising your neighbor's son and not yours. What do you think your kid will feel? Aren't your actions contradict your principles?
Another story, you are a first-time mom and your in-laws visited you. Upon chatting with them, they noticed that your baby seems thin compared to your sister-in-law girl (of the same age). Then they started to compare your baby to the other baby. They said that the other baby is healthy because she is taking the formula and breastfeed and the girl's body is bigger than yours. Yours is purely breastfed since day one. Knowing that mom's milk is the healthiest food for babies you ignore them and just breathe in and breathe out. You know your in-laws just wanted the best for your son too but the way they said those words offended you.
See? It is not only the reason you need to consider, but the way you tell your suggestions is also important.
My Realization
I somehow compare Prince to other babies but in a good way. I mean, I am checking his growth and milestones so I used to compare him to some babies out there. For me, it is somehow my gauge if my Prince is progressing or not. But I'm a changed person now. Upon reading some stories from different moms over the globe and experts' insights and studies, comparing for the sake of knowing the capabilities and limitations of your kids can actually help in understanding your kids more. It is a good way to help them know their strengths and weaknesses, or can also be a good measurement to know if your kids have illnesses or diseases. But comparing your kids with others just for the sake of societal pressure is not helpful for both parents and kids.
Before anything else, check these awesome people's works too. They all rock!
Since we can't help to do such a thing, especially if you have a newborn in the house, it is our responsibility as parents to make sure that these kinds of comparisons will not be a hinder in our child's progress and characteristics. Don't let your kids feel that they have to live their life that they need to always prove themselves to you. Don't make your kids' life miserable.
My Thoughts
Don't instill in your kids that they need to be better than others because that is what will make you happy. As a parent, we should love and accept them who they are and what they are capable of. All parents want the best for their children to the point that we forget to be kind and sensitive to the feelings of our children. Thinking about it, comparing has its pros and cons too.
Sources:
All images are from Unsplash
Some articles in English
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I am an inline skate teacher and when I talk to parents I pay a lot of attention and I'll try to avoid comparison as much as possible