Giving Up Your Portion
The only times an adult human is truly free to make his/her own decisions are right after they'd left their parent's house and a couple of minutes before they say I do.
Now, it might not sound entirely logical comparing a budding adult still under the care of the parents to an adult who just got married, after all, what they have in common is just that one thing; they don't get to have all the say or any at all in their lives as the case may be, so that is the only basis for my comparison.
This to a lesser extent is the case in marriage, here, you are an adult, you own rights and privileges but you are not in total control of your life and your decisions, because you are in a union, a partnership. It could be 50/50 or 70/30 in terms of resource contributions but one person do not control everything.
You think you it would be different when you eventually get married? Try coming back from work one hour later than you should, without any sound explanation (How does that make you feel?).
Marriage, unlike finding yourself under your guardian’s roof is a conscious decision. Here you actually have a choice, a choice of who, when and how you get married (to) It is conscious decision to come together under one roof, to live together as husband and wife and thus willingly sacrificing some portions of your rights and preferences and privileges for the fostering of a common interest; raising a family together and providing companionship to one another.
Doing Due Diligence
You'd imagine given the stakes, due diligence is done before choosing who you'd give up all these things for. Yes, due diligence should be done, but it's not that simple, marriage might be a partnership but it is one built and sustained on emotions and intimacy, one whose ultimate benefit are also naturally and usually emotional.
When your interests are based on love and emotions, you are guided by your heart as are your decisions but when your interests are financial just like in business partnership, you think and make decisions devoid of emotions. In other words, the due diligence mostly done before marriages are in the line of - I love him/her, does he/she love me same way? Would his/her family accept me? Is that diligent enough? Does love alone guarantee a long lasting marriage?
You see it's a tricky one, due diligence here might turn out to be just a bad forecast. You can't see everything from the outside until you get in, which is why people divorce after a couple of years together, some even after decades together (Bezoz?) And once you get in, it becomes a game of patience, tolerance, understanding, faithfulness and a host of other virtues.
The only way you consciously prepare for eventualities in marriage is by signing a prenup. Prenup sort of means “Yeah, I love you and all that but we are humans and there are chances we might not love each other anymore tomorrow, or there are chances that one of us might cheat on the other and mess things up, so let’s sign this piece of paper for when that happens we can just split our estate and everything we owned and everyone can go their separate way in peace”.
Imagine getting into marriage with someone you claim to love and you are not even sure if you guys are going to survive the next 5 years together. Prenups are really awkward and some people are weird too.
Phew! All that talk about due diligence, it’s really not practical. I know it isnt for me, the love and promise I made with my wife are good enough for me, so I and my wife didn’t sign any prenuptials and I sure hope I won’t be Jeff Bezoz (I would love to be him financially though. LOL). My point is, it takes conscious and practical efforts to sustain a healthy marriage.
I might not have been married for long or learnt all the marriage lessons there is to learn. As a matter of fact, I would say I am relatively inexperienced but I am sure the little I have to share would sound new to some people and thus teach them a thing or two about being married and making it work.
Note: This is not what is attainable everywhere, this is my own personal point of view.
Communication is Important:
This cannot be over emphasized in any form of relationship.
It is advisable to always talk things through with your spouse no matter what the situation might be, communication keeps both parties in the loop and makes sure no one feels neglected.
Another reason why communication is so important is to make sure negative emotions unspoken, isnt allowed to linger and then fester, there by corrupting the relationship. Imagine a scenario where you are upset with your spouse, you dont speak out and they have no idea about out, you havent given them the opportunity to defend or explain themselves. These bottled up emotions might lead to resentment for your partner and thereby poisoning your marriage.
Complements are also a form of communication and your bond with your partner grows stronger every time they hear you complement their outfits, their smile, their positive actions, their gestures etc. When you complement them, it means you are taking note and you are appreciative of their efforts.
Need for Privacy
Respecting each other's privacy is important in a marriage too and I think this is applicable to every marriage not just mine. Try not to pry into your spouse private space and eavesdrop on their conversations. They'd lose respect for you once they find out you have been doing this to them and you wouldnt want that.
Do you secretly read their texts? Stop it, it is not healthy, dont go that far unless you have a good reason to suspect that they might be stepping out on you.
Good sex is important.
I didn’t say sex is important; I said good sex is important and I mean it. Sex is like that part of a marriage that brings everything other thing together, that is when it is usually always good. Dont get me wrong, it is impossible to blow your partner away 10 out 10 times when you consider all human factors, but you are under obligation to give your partner that toe curling feeling at least once a week. Give them a reason to think about you often when they are away, a reason why they’d get hot when they think back. Hold the power to force them to come for an impromptu break so they could just come have some.
Sex is such a powerful bonding tool, because it needs you to be in your original human form, base level. No covers, every of your perfections and imperfections laid bare for your partner’s eyes. Take your time and talk to your partner’s body, make use of the tools at your disposal, make efforts to please, don’t be selfish, what you dont know, try to learn, ask them what their fantasies are and live it with them.
DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE - DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE - DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE
Dont Be Too Friendly With other People
Nobody says you shouldnt still be friends with members of the opposite sex just because you got married, but when do you know you might be doing it too much?
Some partners can be overly jealous and possessive at times and for good reason of course. Don’t give them reason to be paranoid because you want to be cool and new school. Always let your admirers know you are married, in case they didn’t see your ring (or you aint wearing one). Respect your partners and put yourself in their shoes.
Personal Hygiene
Do you think that because you are married, your partner should get used everything you used to do as a single person? If you think this way, then you are on a path to a rude shock in your marriage. Cleanliness can make you godly in your partner’s eyes. Do you expect him/her to believe that you are always too tired to hit the shower or brush your teeth before bed? Hell no
The best nights you could have with your partner are those you could kiss, cuddle, talk in each other’s face and practically have your noses up their body. Do you think that would be possible when you dont wash up and brush your teeth? (LOL)
Now, these points I have made aren’t going to guarantee that you would live a happily ever after with your spouse, but I can assure you, they are some of the reasons for some unwarranted tensions in marriages, tension that might fester, linger then lead to falling out of love and possibly divorce, so do better.
Take-Away From My Rant
· Respect each other’s privacy, you might be married but you are still two different individuals. I dont answer my wife’s phone calls nor read her messages, unless she asks me to. This is like an unwritten rule for me unless something warrants the prying.
· Take personal hygiene seriously, brush your teeth and have your bath before climbing onto that bed. Give his/her nose some peace and watch your nightlife improve.
· Talk to each other, dont let issues pile up, its would burst a pipe in your relationship. When your spouse upset you, let them know so they can apologize or explain.
· Good sex fosters intimacy, intimacy strengthens the bond between you and that would make your marriage even stronger.
