Accidental Atheist.

As It Was In The Beginning

I was born into a family that believed in God, I wouldn’t say a true Christian family because my parents never went to church, as far as I can remember. I mean, yeah, they were wedded in the church but I think that’s about it.

My dad was a police officer, he was just all about work and his family - nuclear and extended. My mum ran a restaurant, a well known brand at the time and was always at the restaurant. None of them was actually about religion. We never prayed together as a family, I never remembered us eating together as a family at any point in time so there was no saying 'the grace' over dinner or anything like that.

 Somehow, we their offerings found religion; we were all Catholic faithful, belonged to one group or the other. Altar boys, the choir, Mary league etc. Our parents neither objected nor nudged.

 Now, thinking back to my childhood, I think our involvement with the church was solely down to outside influence, peer pressure. In my local community, being in the Bloc Rosary, going to Catechism was a big deal and every kid on the block wanted be a part of that and I and my siblings weren’t any different.

When I realized at age 16 that I hadn’t been baptized ( The Catholics usually carry out infant baptism) I was livid with my parents, I thought they hated me because they weren’t bothered to get me baptized as an infant and they didn’t tell me as I was growing up ( I kind of found out by myself). I thought to myself, do these people even love me? Do they want me to die and go to hell? What the hell were they thinking?

 The catholic teaches about the original sin and being baptized is the only way to be salvaged from it, the non-negotiable way to avoid eternal condemnation in the lake of fire (Hell). I was to later understand what indoctrination meant and how it had done a number on me.

 After I realized that I hadn’t been baptized as an infant, getting baptized became my one and only life goal. Adult baptism in the Catholic church was a bit different from the infant baptism, in that, unlike the infant baptism, you can’t just waltz into the church and arrange baptism for yourself ( kind of odd, don’t they want to save my soul as quickly as possible?). You would have to go through a catechism class first, if you pass, you get baptized, if you don’t pass, you keep trying; much like passing an SAT test before you get into college.

 Now you can understand my worry when I found out that as a Catholic faithful, I hadn’t been baptized. I had to look for a way to get it done and I had to be fast about it, time is running out.

 Time was actually running out, I don’t mean that I was terminally ill and dying or anything, I had to get baptized before hitting certain age, because there was some sort of shame attached to adult baptism in the Catholic Church, and I was fast approaching that age. I mean I was fully in my teens and very aware.

Note that my view of the catholic as is in my write up isn’t a worldwide view of the institution, but rather the view of the institution in my immediate environment, I am talking about the institution in my own locality. Your immediate environment is your world, so are my realities and thus my views.

Anyways, I was on a mission to get baptized and I had fear and shame as my ultimate motivators. I tried for almost two years, and finally I got my wish, I was baptized. I had been absolved of my original sin, I was redeemed. I even received my first communion right after.

 I was a bonafide catholic now, I was worthy and I was an ardent follower of the teachings of the catholic doctrine. I prayed the rosary, I believed in the Virgin Mary, I believed in confession, penance, forgiveness and absolution of sins, I believed in the Holy Trinity, I didn’t eat meat on Ash Wednesdays and Good Fridays, I mean the whole nine yards. I did all these things as a proud, worthy catholic. I saw other Christian denominations and their practices from the spectacles of the Catholic Church - the one true church, the beacon of Christianity - to me, the Catholic Church was on the highest pedestal (they still kind of are, being the largest Christian denomination in the world, but obviously not in the context I am talking.)

 As I was going about my life quietly, building my spiritual life and believing life after death - heaven, hell and purgatory, I never for once paused to ponder, since the catholic doctrine teaches that the catholic ways are the only way to eternal redemption, I mean following through the whole course of the doctrine, what then happens to my friends who are protestants, when he dies, does he too share in this redemption? What happens to my friends Aminu and Aisha, who have been brought up by their Muslim parents in the ways of Islam? This thought just never crossed my mind; all I knew was that as long as I was doing my best to practice the catholic doctrine, I was safe, here on earth and the afterlife. I mean if we are going to spend eternity either in agony or pleasure for our conducts here on earth, then thinking this thought should be a big deal, because damn, eternity is a long ass time.

Don’t Unsettle The Waters

It was as though I was living in a bubble, I never for once during these my active 'Christian' period encountered anything that thoroughly questioned my faith in the catholic doctrine, the Christian doctrine and religion and the whole idea of afterlife in general. Or maybe I was actively avoiding them altogether, because I remember overhearing some of my friends talking about a how reading a certain Da Vinci book would shake your belief and leave you questioning everything you ever thought was true about the Catholic church. (I later realized they were talking about Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code). I was curious about this book, I wished to know the truth that it contained, but I was scared of unraveling anything that would mess up my belief system (Man had to believe in something you know) I loved the much I knew about the Church and didn’t need anything taking that away from me. So, I never got to read Dan Brown's big book of secrets but there was no running away from what has been destined. Right?

Pulling the Scales off My Eyes

The cat was ultimately thrown amongst the pigeons when I moved cities. I was a budding adult; it was time to be on my own, taking the natural course of life.

Now, I was by myself in a new city, away from family and friends, away from where my beliefs had been formed and bred but still with them regardless, but the influence of the environment was something I no longer had and in order to acclimatize, new friends had to be made, new thoughts had to be entertained and my beliefs either built upon or new ones forged altogether. This was a possibility I was now open to.

 I got into a bit of a tale tell with a new acquaintance in this new city, he was a free thinker, an unbeliever (Never knew what free thinking meant at the time). We got into it, both of us trying to lead the other onto the path of 'truth', we'd mock and tease each other's belief and each person would express awe at how ridiculous the other person's practices were. It was all friendly bantering, nothing serious. We'd joke around and still stand firm on our beliefs or disbelief, as the case may be.

But, during one of our friendly bantering, he struck a chord in me, he aroused curiosity, questions...his words forced me to go home and think, and yeah, I thought very long...

He asked me something, he said...'In your religion and your church's doctrine, the Muslims are unbelievers on the wrong path and by default were bound for hell right?

 I said yes, answering reluctantly, wondering where he might be going with that question.

Then he asked again, your doctrine believes in confession, penance, forgiveness and absolution of sin right?

I said yes again, now a bit confused and worried, he was going to get me on this one, I saw the look of mischief and cleverness in his face.

 He said okay, picture this scenario...Imagine a couple of young wild church kids accosted a helpless Muslim girl in a dark lonely path, took turns and raped her. It turns out that the victim recognized one of the perps and in trying to conceal what they had done, they decided to kill this girl. They had killed a human, in all ramifications, it was wrong, but there was hope for them, there was hope for forgiveness and absolution, if only they would confess to a priest, their sins would be washed away and if they were to die immediately after confession, they'd make heaven, while this young helpless unbeliever they had raped and killed, who had died as an unbeliever was destined for hell. Damn! (Such a dark yet efficient picture) I was dumb and numb, I couldn’t muster anything. I was defeated, totally deflated, and that was the genesis of my confusion, of my clarity, my objectivity in thinking.

What followed from there was onslaught of questions, this fella had breached my defense and I couldn’t stop letting in goals...I started asking myself all kinds of questions, but how the hell could I answer those kind of questions?

21 Questions

All of a sudden, I found myself asking questions I wouldn’t dare ask when I hadn’t been breached. Is there really a God? Why are there so many denominations in the Christendom, whose teachings are the right ones? What happens to Muslims after death? What happens to Buddhists? People of other religions, what have they been taught about the one true religion? What do they think of life after death? Do prayers work? Or are they there just to give some sort of hope and feeling of positivity to the hopeless.

Can prayers change the course of destiny? If God loves me the way I have been taught to believe, then why would he put me to so much tests, just to prove that I was worthy of spending eternity with him. Why would he condemn his children to perpetual torture and suffering in the lake of fire because they fell short of his demands? Isn’t that cruel and wicked?

Why does God allow bad things to happen? Why do innocent infant children die (some horribly) all over the world?

WHY?

Ultimately I concluded that every religious denomination had one flaw or the other, including my darling catholic church and there was no way I could sit in church and listen to the priests sincerely with doubts in my gut. I backslid, I went to church only on invitation and never of my own accord.

 I developed a new philosophy; I said to myself, if heaven existed and was a reward for living good and upright, then I can live good and upright without being a member of any church, or practicing any particular doctrine. I can be good on my own and I am sure God can understand - if he existed.

 I believe something controls the affairs of man, but is it the Christian God? Is it the Muslim Allah? Is it YHWH? I can’t say, but would you honestly believe in one doctrine and think others must be mistaken and yours isn’t?

Life is a mystery, only that much is the absolute truth.