Unmotherly Thoughts

10.10.22

How do you deal with womanhood and motherhood at the same time? There were things that you enjoy and hate as a woman and a mother.

Headaches, cramps, cravings, and mood swings, are things that I hate when I have my monthly period. Having no time for myself is one of the things that miss since I became a mom.

Now, both are happening right at this moment. I don't know what to do. My husband is at work but gets off after a couple of days. Just a few more days alone with Lil B with this womanhood. I am just afraid of how am I gonna deal with this at the same time. That's why maybe a few things popped up in my mind last week. Just a heads up, these thoughts weren't nice and I am hoping, believing in myself, that these thoughts served as a warning or a reminder to take a deep breath.

Before all that, I just want to share a little bit from my past.

*Flashback sounds**

• I was in grade school when my mother strangled me. Honestly, I forgot the reason why but all I can recall was were alone and it has been a few months after she gave birth to our youngest sister. I think was just being a typical kid back then, not doing the chores she wanted me to do right away. She got angry or maybe frustrated and she just strangled me out of nowhere but stopped.

• I was in high school when my mother asked me to slice a few things for her to cook. Again as a typical teenager, waking up late and not doing chores immediately or let's just say rebellion is what's happening to me. Then when she got inside the house and saw that I was just about to slice the ingredients minutes after she asked me. She got angry, got the knife, and slit it on my nape. It wasn't that deep but I felt it, I touched it and there was a bit of blood. I was shocked, scared, and secretly cried.

Postpartum

This is what they call the fourth trimester, which is the time after birth. The postpartum period begins upon giving birth from 6 to 8 weeks after giving birth. By that time a woman's body parts or organs may or may not have returned that's why the postpartum period may last up to 12 weeks after birth.

Baby Blues

Giving birth to a child changes everything and changes a woman's life, literally. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Mood swings, anxiety, sleeping habits, and a few personality changes can happen too. This is just a phase and what we call 'baby blues', an adjustment period perhaps?

Postpartum Depression (PPD)

This is another type of depression that happens after birth. I remember someone telling one of our dad friends that women who had C-sections are most likely to develop PPD. I say, after big changes that happen after you give birth all women may develop PPD. Experiencing all changes in your body, plus changes financially and socially.

Postpartum Psychosis

This is an extreme mood disorder that happens rarely to a mother. I am sure that you have heard stories like a mother hearing voices that ended up harming or even killing their baby.

I am a person who sometimes likes to be alone and wants to talk to my friends when I need to vent out feelings.

I am a person who likes to do things or finish things/chores right away so I can rest or sleep.

I am a person who doesn't like loud noise unless it's rock music.

How can I do those things now that I have a toddler who's not speaking yet? How can I do those things when this little hooman keeps following me and needs skin-to-skin contact whatever and wherever I go?

As I mentioned earlier, a few things popped up in my mind out of nowhere, or let's just say out of frustration. I even thought of spanking my daughter so many times, non-stop. I thought of slapping her because she keeps on crying for no reason. I even thought of covering her mouth so that she can stop crying.

Don't worry, those are just thoughts. I just realized that when those thoughts came into my mind, I shook my head and said to myself 'why would I even do such things?'

I admit that I get frustrated. I am trying so hard to control my emotions but find it very hard because I wasn't raised like that or at least among my sisters I am the one who usually takes the blame.

How can I stop the cycle? Taking a deep breath wasn't just enough and I sometimes ended up telling Lil B to back off, letting her cry for a few minutes, even raising my voice, or even pinching her. Doesn't sound like a good mom eh? I know, I am guilty, I am sorry. What's happening to me?

This is what I hate about womanhood and motherhood.

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