Fading....

I thought that getting into a relationship is like how the way  K Dramas and fantasy movies portray it. When I first entered into my 8 year relationship I thought when I acted cute, I would look cute, but in reality, it never is. After a long while, I realized that the world would not always revolve around you and your lover. Not every time you need to give an opinion or agree and understand whatever. The past months I am slowly realizing that I was just staying because of the belief that maybe, it could still work out like it was before. But here’s the catch, I just wanted someone who would perfectly understand my mood swing, my incapability, my ugly me, my toyo mind and my periodic changes of attitude. I don’t want someone who thinks I am trying to ruin his day and argue but on my end I just wanted to be seen and comforted. I just don't want to be neglected.

The years that I spent with him was quite a roller coaster ride. Since we live from different country we tried to live together for a year when we get the chance and those days spent I have known him being, easily angry, almost close to hurting me, whenever I ignore him and I felt I just needed sometime for myself because of the stupid mood swing cause by my period. Slowly, I am recognizing all the red flags and my love for him is melting. When it used to be burning.

I won't say I didn't act the same way, in fact, I realized that the first three years I was very immature. I kept on acting like I wanted to hurt him whenever I felt that he was doing it to me. But I changed myself and my awareness became more mature. Thinking that we were going about to take our relationship to the next level and I wanted him to be the man who'll be with me as we conquer the world's mystery before we both lose our last breath. And it is still a mystery to me that after the long years of wanting to be with him every single day, I just wanted to travel alone. Feel the fresh air and hear the noises coming from the sea waves, birds, chickens, dogs and everybody else, more than his empty voices. Those arguments stock in my head, I can't hear him yet they were so loud.

Why does everything seems so different. Feels different. And everything seems to fade its color. I am patiently trying to work things out, understand more, endure more, but because I grow mature, I saw his immaturity. His unreadiness or being unresponsive. Not trying to adjust the same way I do. If I can still tolerate those differences today, until when? Will I be patient until we lose all our controls? And what, afterwards? The tensions keeps on building up and soon all those reaction would heat up and break through its optimum point of deflection. And I kept on seeing that point of ending. And if I can see that it will happen in the future, why do I need to suffer that long just to break? I know It sounds, like giving up. But I am trying to see things that still has a worth saving. When everything is falling down in the midst of a bridge, would we still hold on to each other when we have the option to take the different path to still save the remaining pieces that we can still hold on. And if we meet again, those pieces we save can be used as a good foundation to make a better and stronger bridge of connection enough not to break us again.

I am growing tired of the same situation we have. I start to ask question, you would say it was an accusation. We have been together for years, and I have come to know all our differences, and I try to compromise. Don't over used my feelings, don't let it die down by using the same power. And if you haven't had plans on giving that, please let us not waste both our efforts. Don't let us, forget and throw all the good memories we had. If we won't work, then maybe there is someone who'll understand us better out there waiting for us. Maybe there is someone who'll be more willing to shelter us, ride us into a better place, understand us as whole. And we are wasting those chances.

I am not ready to leave the both of us, but if you're not ready to go on for the both of us. Are we going to meet?

Love, I love you. I really do. But it is slowly fading.

       Thanks for reading.