I just hate my present self.

12-08-2022

Hey Folks, What's up long time no see? Hope you guys are doing pretty well but I am not.

The definition of life according to me is to Dream Big, get up first, Grind more, Achieve goals, Watch a movie, enjoy Food and sleep.

No need to take a lot of worries and tragedies with us every time because we can't predict the next minute of our life so All we can do is enjoy every moment to the fullest and forget the rest.

For the past few days, I am feeling exhausted from my life and can't bother anyone and that's the reason I am not active here past two days and have not visited your article or replied to your comments.

It's like having a lot of blessings around me but still, I am ungrateful. I want to see myself happy but I can't like I am feeling broke because of having no peace in my life. In my everyday Routine, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't write, I can't read and I can't watch my favorite movie.

If I can say I am tired of myself so it was not wrong like wtf happened to me? Why, why why?

Where my happiness is gone? Why did I stop taking care of myself? Why life is so harsh?

These questions make me feel disheartened after passing every hour.

At that Moment My achievements mean nothing to me:-

You guys believe me or not but on a Sunday morning, I received my scholarship check. Baba woke me up and give me a surprise. But my expression was like not like, "oh yes" I take it so lightly and again go back to sleep.

Since Grade 9 I got it every year and we're always become excited to receive it but this time I was not even though the cash amount is 30X higher than the previous scholarship.

My parents were too much happy and congratulated me but I don't know why I am not digesting my achievements. I don't know but the truth is I need a long space from everyone.

Breaking Snapchat streaks:-

There was a time when making snap streaks with my friend was one of my favorite obsessions but now no more. I muted the notification a few days back coz streaks of notifications popping up, again and again, made me feel irritated.

As I said earlier, I do not allow anyone more in my life so a lot of guys want me as their companion but feels like rubbish, and always end up blocking their shit. Also, if someone shows their sympathy toward me I feel like they will gonna deceive me in the end so better to stay alone.

Not replying to anyone on WhatsApp Messanger:-

Yes, you are reading right. Whenever someone will text me I will simply archive him/her no matter who the person is.

I am tired of everything and are not interested in talking with anyone. No matter what I could do for people in my life but they end up saying mean to me.

Deactivating my Instagram for One month:-

If you will ever ask me which app I would prefer and love the most on my cell phone. It will always be Instagram coz whenever I felt down I go there and enjoy reels that have a connection to engage with my soul.

But these days I just want my time. I wanna go to someplace where there is no one. Just me and my shit taught gathering myself around the beach or in between the mountains. Maybe with nature's help, I will try to heal myself.

Uninstalled all my favorite games from my cell phone:-

I don't find games interesting on my cell phone anymore that's why find it better to delete them coz constant playing gives me headaches and I waste a lot of time there without getting anything.

Taking a Break from everything but not Writing:-

I almost delete everything and everyone from my life but the only thing that will give me peace is inscribing my feelings here. I am not sure if I will be active here or not but will try to give myself a strong comeback not now, not tomorrow but definitely will be another day.

Concluding Thoughts:-

I know Good and bad times are part of life but this time I am almost giving up and losing myself every day. The only thing I want right now from myself is to give my old self back, give my old interests back, and most importantly give my old time and old people back, which are lost somewhere.

Sorry for not visiting your article and replying to you back but I will promise you guys will gonna see me around. Right now, my anxiety is not leaving me and the fever is at its Peak still, I try to write a bit about my life and what I am feeling. Just a little request to kindly Remember me in your good wishes because don't know when I will lose my senses.

The End...

The lead image is taken from Unsplash.