Then we met again, I'm sorry

It is still dark outside when I decided to walked and jog outside. Honestly I'm not into this activity because I'm too lazy to move an inch from my bed. I want to lay down 24/7 but today is different. It seems that there is someone who pushing me to go outside and get some unwind. So I force myself to get out on the bed and prepare myself. I just wear a clothes that is accurate for this activity. I checked on the clock and it's only 6AM. No wonder why it is still quiet here in our village. I just jog without a particular destination. I also enjoy when I witnessed how the sun rises.

After an hour of jogging ,I get tired so I decided to sit on the swing in the park. I didn't notice that I'm already here at my favorite place before. I drink some cold water to refresh myself. Since it's still early, there's only few kids playing here. They enjoying their playing time. They are so free and peaceful. I can't deny that I missed those old days when I'm still a kid worrying nothing. Upon observing on the kids who was happily playing, I saw a thin girl who was so sitting on the bench alone. You can see on her eyes those tears that wants to let go but she still able to smile. Her smile is so sweet even though that I can sense that she have a problem. I'm become curious on her so I go near to her and asked what is her problem. Maybe she needs someone to talked to.

She just looked at me smiling at me. But she still choose to be silent and she just tend to leave but I hold her hands and hug her tight. She let go on my hugs and looking at me with a questionable eyes. I said "I'm sorry" but then she cried while saying these words,

" You're a liar. You said that you fix yourself. You said that you will find the happiness you deserve. But why are still there? Why are you still hurting ? Why am I still hurting?For Pete sake, I want to be happy"

I'm become speechless for a moment when I realize that this young girl is me. It is myself when I'm still a 10 year-old kid. I envy those kids that the only problem is to how to eat the vegetables that their Mom prepares for them. While me, I'm only 10 but it seems that I already carry the whole world. At that time, my Mom and Dad had an accident and both of them can't able to survive. We have our house but my Auntie get the ownership of it and let me live on the street. I remember that this park is the place were became my new home. I tend to sleep under the slide and when it rains, I just look for the place were I spend my night. It is my home for more than 10 years and it become my life for that time. I also find a job in able to survive. Sometimes , I eat those foods that people already throw in the garbage. It's freaking hard for me to live that time. It seems that when my parents died, I also gradually lost my own life.

I always cried that time. I want to create my own circle of friends but no one wants to be friend with me because I'm just a kid who lives on the street. So I always cried on that bench and seeking for anyone who could help me but no one does. I promise on myself that when I grow old, I will searching for my happiness. That I will live to the fullest but until now that I'm already 23, I guess I'm still broken. I can't still able to find my own happiness. Where does it go? I want to experience it even just a taste of it. But I don't know how.

My old me is totally right. I'm a liar. I was lying on my whole life. I pretend to be okay but deep inside I want to cried out loud. I'm a liar when I said that I'm already move in from the past but look at me now, my past is still hunting me now. I'm a liar when I said that I make myself free from pain. My life is the biggest lie. So to my old self, I'm sorry because I can't still accomplished my promise to you. And I think that I can't because I guess giving up is much easier than living on this cruel society. So then we met again but instead of saying " I did it", I can only utter " I'm sorry".

All images to this fiction story came from Unsplash

Greetings!!

Hello awesome dreamers of read cash universe. How's everyone here? Despite of the struggles you've encountered today, I hope that you can still able to get some fresh air and take a deep breath. I'm not around yesterday here because I need to prepare for my report tomorrow. And I thought that our vacation is already coming but there's one prof who wants to extend our subject to her. So we need to extend it for 3 more weeks , so instead of May maybe June is our official vacay. At least there's still a vacation lol haha. I'm also sorry if I can't able to read some of your articles, it's because I'm bombarded with tons of unfinished activities and of course because of our thesis. But I make some bawi to you once I settled them all. Thank you for still being there with me, supporting me. Thank you a lot.