@Mayiee 5 July 2021 more from that month

What IFs

In a world full of what ifs, how do we find the best choice? Do we always have to do the right thing even though sometimes we know it will hurt somehow? Or should we turn our what ifs into reality? In my 20 years of existence , I can say that I am a person that full of "what ifs" in my mind. I was scared to explore and learning things outside my comfort zone. Day by day, my "what ifs" killing me inside. I was too scared to the judgement of other people because I had a bad experience before that no one knows even my family. **Here's some of my what ifs in my life** 1. What if I become stronger since the beginning. When I was in elementary, I experienced being bullied. That time , I admit that I only talk few of my classmates. They often called me "Anak ni Rizal " and "weirdo" because I only focus reading books. I also remember that one of my male classmate slap me because I became his seatmate. This experience really affects to my self-esteem and because of this I become too shy. I never said this to my family because I don't want to be a burden to them. My whole elementary journey is a nightmare for me. When I think about that, I always think about "What if I became strong enough that time, could I still be bullied?" I regret to becomes coward that time. 2. What if I dont enter to Special Science Class , did the expectations and pressure on me are still the same? When I'm in High School, everything has totally changed. I become more active and extrovert. That time, I accept the fact that not everyone will love me but life's must go on. I also become an ESP president and the first that I do is to make an ordinance about Anti- Bullying Act. I can say that my High School life is a big revolution in my life. But I also faced many struggles in my High School life. Because I enter to Special Science Class ,I need to maintain an average atleast 90 because if I get 89 and below , I automatically remove from this section. At first I am happy with that because it's an honor to be a SSC students. You represent the whole school. But the expectations and pressure is really on. I also feel the competition in our classroom because we have the same goals. I just having 2-3 hours of sleep per day because of too much requirements. Our class is 6A.M -6PM and it's really tiring. I remember when I got an average of 90, my parents really disappointed to me because for them 90 is a failing grade ( pasang-awa). Since then they always watching me. There is no room for rest and failures. It feels suffocating for me because I can't do what I want. I study hard not only for myself but most especially to achieve their high expectations. 3. What if I become more vocal about my feelings, did they will treat me the same? Even though I have a lot of friends, I always choose to overcome my struggles in my own. I don't share my problems to anyone because I don't want to bother them about my life. Because of this they always think that I'm okay even I'm not. I always hide my problems behind my smile. They treat me as their crying shoulder and secret keeper. Until one day, I share one of my problems to my friends and they end up saying " You're so dramatic, it's not suit to you." I thought they can really understand me but I'm so wrong because they don't. It's because I always smiling and joking ,they thought that I have no problems at all.This is one of my painful "what if's in life". 4. What if I am aware to my value before? Before, I only see myself as a student. My responsibility is to study ,study and study. I don't value myself before and I only care about what other people's judgement. When I need to decide about something, I always ask my mom or my friends to what should I choose. I definitely a coward person before. I love my other people much rather than myself. Because of this, I lost everything even my self respect. But now, I just realized that I should value myself more than anyone because they tend to leave me somehow but myself is the one who can't do that. They tend to be plastic and fake but myself will stay real at me. The greatest gift that I can give to myself is the value that I deserves. Closing Thought We have our own "what ifs" in our life. Sometimes it tends to our disadvantage because we are afraid to seek for the answer about it. You should not limit yourself to explore even though there is a possibility that you failed on trying. The "what ifs" only eat your mind and it can cause you an anxiety. We should normalize "I must try" rather than "What ifs'" because trying is always be better than thinking. Be own your warrior of your life. Let's make our what ifs into meaningful reality. How about you, what is your what ifs in your life? Is it still bothering you ?