I went back to the place where it feels like a hell. A place that I thought would give me the peace and comfort that I've been longing for too long. But I'm totally wrong because everytime I step my feet on this place, I can't breathe and I'm so suffocated. Where is this place? Basically it's our home.
They said that inside our house, you can seek for the love that you can't find anywhere. But it's totally a different story to me. I can't feel the "home" inside the house. All I can see is the people who always ignores me as if they didn't care for me at all. I tried to reach out and get their attention but they still didn't give their warm support to me. Everytime that I'm trying to open up my feeling to them, they always treated me cold and slap me the truth that there's much important thing than me. That their work is important than me. I'm their daughter after all, aren't I? But they don't see me as their child but instead a mistake. A hindrance in achieving their dreams in life. Pity me,yeah you should pity me.
I'm tired having a life like this. It's a whole sh*t. I'm tired of faking my happiness in front of the people. I'm sick of saying " I'm good" even the truth is I'm totally drowning by my own doubts and problems. I don't what to do, I don't know where to go. All I know is that I don't belong here.
For the last time, I tried to do it again. I'll gonna asked my parents to spare me a minute to talked to them because I don't know how to handle it anymore.
"Mom, can I talked to you?" She looked at me and I thought that she will gonna listen to me but she replied me " What's now? If you gonna telling me your rants again, it's better if you keep it in yourself. I have no time in your drama".
For the last time, she failed me again. Or maybe I failed her as a daughter. Didn't she know that I have so called " drama" because of them? Didn't she know that I also don't like it because I know that I got rejected by her again. So, I tried to reach out my Dad next. He's talking with someone so I waited him to be done. I sit at the couch until he notice me.
" Dad ,can you spare some time? I need to tell you something".
"I don't have time now Misty, you can talked to me next time when I am not busy". He said to me while going back to work again.
Just like Mom, Dad also failed me. Maybe they are right, they don't really have a time on talking to their child. Who really wants to talked to someone like me? I'm such a burden to them after all. Even though, I'm also a human. I have also a feelings and I think my feelings is also valid. I have a right to be hurt and to be listen. But I guess I have no one to talked to.
I just going back to my room. I lay on my bed and cried so bad. I want to fight but I can't really take it anymore. It's too much to handle. Now, I make the biggest decision in my life. I get the pen and paper and start writing a farewell letter. I asking myself if I will get happy now after doing it ? Maybe yes or maybe not. Who knows right? My mind saying that I have an option to set me free, I'll need to grab the rope. Maybe I can't achieve happiness through this but at least I give freedom for myself. I smile for the last time before I hang myself. It's the last time that I'll gonna feel the pain that the world throws to me. Yeah, it's gonna be the last time.
Dear Mom & Dad,
I can't take it anymore. I'm so lost and I can find the peace that I'm seeking for. I thought I could find it on you but you failed me as my parents. I know that I failed you as a daughter, I'm a loser one. Didn't you know that I'm suffering from a depression but you always called it as a drama. I'm no longer to see a reason why I should live because since the beginning, you make me feel I'm not belong here. I found it hard to survive especially that the reason why I live is already left me behind. Don't worry, I'm not mad on you. I love you both but could I spare some time on making some request on you? For the first and last time, could you hug me tight. Now, I choose to end my life just to give you the life that you deserve. Be happy.
I woke up with my Mom and Dad besides me. They immediately hugged me tight when they saw me opened my eyes while saying " I'm sorry baby, from now on we will listen to you. We love you and we cant afford to lose you". I thought it's just a dream so I pinched myself to check if it's real and yeah it's really happening. If you are wondering what happened last night,yes I finished writing my suicidal note but I don't end my life. I realize that killing myself will not give me a satisfaction and better life. Also, it doesn't remove all the pains but rather it would makes my love one's life to be much worse. Maybe my life is full lf problems but I know that I have a long way to go. I chose to live to prove that I can fight against this cruel life.
Life may give you a thousand reasons to make us feel that you are not belongs here but on that reasons, try to find one reasons why you should still live. Maybe your life is full of doubts, struggles, worries and rants but always remind yourself that you are bigger than that. If you can't hold it anymore, cry until you get better. If you can't take it anymore, surrender. You should surrender not in your life but you should surrender to God everything. Ending yourself is not the only option to set us free. Rope is not the solution because there is always hope in everything. You are the chosen one to live here because you have a role that needs to partake in. You are worth it to live.
Good evening dreamers of read cash society. Hope that you nailed your day today. And I'm also hoping that you are doing great and fine as well. Actually, I was supposed to published another article but I accidentally exit it and didn't save it. I find a hard time to repeat it again so I decided to make another topic which is this. Hope that you still enjoying this article of mine. Thank you so much for your support and love.😘
Such an inspiring story to read. I've been there too. Like, I already thought of ending my life as the only solution for my problem. If only I had a weak heart probably the devil pushed me to do it. I was enlightened by His guidance that's why I was able to survive. Better days are not every day, I still experience bad days and problems but I can now able to handle it.