Trigger warning: Death

I can still vividly recall what happened when my uncle died last year. His was the first death in the family. I was wide awake when he was gasping for his last breath. I will never forget the experience.

After almost a year of losing him, things went differently in our home. My brother and I no longer have someone to tell of my father's childhood. Even if I am annoyed with his vices and irrationalities, we still care for him, especially when he got sick and bedridden until he went home. 

I remember hearing that losing a loved one is like losing a tooth. Healing will happen eventually, but you can't ignore the fact that there is a space. Time after time, you'll be aware of that space, but most of the time, things are OK. 

I grieved, and I went through a process. Emotional healing does not happen in a jiffy. It takes time, just like what Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said in Five Stages of Grief. 

First Stage: Denial

At the moment of loss and when grief takes its place, the first usual reaction is denial. "This can't be happening!" "You're kidding, right?" "This could be a dream. I want to wake up now!" Denial is a response to minimize the shock of bearing the weight of emotion. As we try to absorb and process what is happening, we pretend that the loss is not happening. 

Second Stage: Anger

Next comes anger. When we realize that the loss is something we cannot undo, we get frustrated and we vent out. As we try to look for an outlet to let go of our pent-up emotions, we become overwhelmed with emotions. Slowly we realize that there will be permanent adjustments to be done, and we don't want it! We get scared, uninterested in things we used to enjoy, isolated, and angry at reality. 

Third Stage: Bargaining

As soon as our minds fully conceive the reality of the loss, we try to bargain. In our moments of desperation and hopelessness, we try to take back what we lost in exchange for something we can think of. We pray petitions like, "Lord, I promise to do better if this thing will turn around", "If you heal me, I will do my best to serve others", and "Just make that person not leave me and I promise to do anything".

We bargain to make things better again, to reverse what has happened. At this stage, we'll do everything we can think or imagine just to alleviate the pain.

Fourth Stage: Depression

At this stage, we realize that there is no turning back and bargaining is futile. We come to understand our situation and our emotions have already died down. We get sad. We stay away from people, our countenance gets dampened by the feeling of loss and not being able to change our situation. It is a period of heaviness for we know things are no longer the same. 

Fifth Stage: Acceptance

Finally, when all the emotions have subsided and we get to terms with the reality of loss, we are now at the acceptance stage. We try to pick up where we left. We are now trying to regain our composure, our confidence, and hope. There may be occasional periods of sadness, but no longer do we deal with denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. We are now back on track, and on the way to recovery. 

Getting back to my story with my uncle, there are still times when I remember him. As I've mentioned, his death was the first in my immediate family, so it left a scar. But that experience helped me understand what it means to grieve and why you don't have to make it a no-big-deal.