Everything has been draining my energy, my will to live and my motivation to keep going. I don't know what's the exact reason but I became sadder as days go by. It's not my intention to feel this way because who likes to be lonely? This feeling grow swiftly than I imagine. I thought I can fight this sadness if I talk to someone or if I bond with my closest friends. I did both but none made me feel better. It even made me feel worse for I feel like I'm the saddest when I am away with those people. I became dependent for a while. I know it's human nature to be sad sometimes for not everyday is Christmas.
Being sad will make us appreciate how it feels to be truly happy. However, if the feeling of being sad persists, that's when it goes beyond normal. Like in my case, I've been feeling down for almost 5 days. There's a lot of things running around my mind and I can't chase them one by one. It's so hard to keep up and I don't know where to start or what should I do first to eliminate what I feel. Have you also been lonely for a long time? How did you cope with it? Care to share?
What are the things that make me sad?
There are a lot but I will just share the ones that keep on popping.
First is the feeling of not being at home. Yes, I do live in a house that is way more nice and big than ours but I can't feel the atmosphere of what we called, "home." This house is big but it doesn't feel like home. Everyone in here are like mad everyday and I can't feel the bond of them, being a family. They seldom eat together unlike what we do at home. They talk like they're annoyed at all times. I am not used to this kind of set-up because my grandma and grandpa are both cheerful and they seldom get angry. We don't communicate in angry tone too!
For these reasons, I feel like I can't survive in the environment I wasn't used to. Oh, maybe I can survive but I will not be happy. I can't do what I want to do since I feel like I am being watched and it felt like I tiptoed every time I will go out of the room.
Even if our little home has a lot of holes and some would even call it "rat's home", I would still choose to live there because that's where I found happiness that other homes can't give. Though it's blazing hot there during noon time, and a lot of rain water drops from our roof when it's raining, I will still choose that home for my family is there.
I miss our home and this makes me sad.
I miss our home and I think going back there should be my first move.
Second, I worry about my future too much. Whenever I see that message of someone pops from a group chat saying that she/he has received a call from the Department of Education, I feel sad and nervous at the same time because I am anticipating to receive that call too. I want to be hired before this year ends. This is the second year that I applied for that job and I think this has been a long wait already. Well, I can still wait but I do want to start A.S.A.P because who doesn't, right? Starting early means earning already.
I can't erase in mind the possibility of not being hired this year and I feel like I can't fullfil the dream of my family because of that for they're rooting for me and waiting for me to be in the world of teaching. Some of my batch mates are in already and it's making me more restless.
Until when I should wait?
Third is being unable to let my family know about my situation - that I am not happy. I don't want them to think of me because I know grandma and grandpa have a lot of things to do in the farm. But even though they're tired and busy there, I can say that they are happy. Whenever I saw their posts on Facebook along with my sisters, I want to tell them that I miss them already and I want to be with them just like before. I wish to be with them whenever they drink beer at home and have a good time playing cards or having karaoke. I wish to be with them so I can see my dogs as well. I really miss dogs and cats and I am sure they feel the same. As of this moment, I know that a hug from my pets will lift me up automatically.
Fourth is that I want to avoid someone in here but I can't since she's living here too. I am not that mean. I can adjust to someone and go with their vibe but this one is so hard to please. She's always mad and she wants everything to be perfect. She would always complain that she's tired even though she's just doing the normal household chores like cooking rice, sweeping the front yard, and cleaning the mess her kid has made. Those are the three things she does everyday but she made me feel like I add her burdens. You know it's hard to live in a place if there's someone who doesn't feel your vibe though she's not saying it.
I know I should not mind her but it is hard since we see each other everyday.
She makes me sad because I feel like I did something wrong which displeased her.
These are the things that kept on running in my mind. They made me up all night that I lose sleep. They occupy my mind most of the time and I don't know if I should let them pay for the rent so they would go away. Urgh, if only I can.
I don't have a plan to write today, honestly. I don't know what got into me but there's something from behind me telling that I should start kicking or else I will lose the battle I created. If I don't write, I will not earn. If I will not earn, then I will feel more empty and useless.
That's why I realized that I should charge myself and regain my happy hormones. It will take days but I am pretty sure that I will be fully-charged soon. As much as possible, I should avoid writing my dramas here to cut the sadness so it won't spread in the platform.
I'm taking my time to recharge.
Thank you so much again for your time! To my generous sponsors, upvoters and to those who comment, I am sending you my warmest gratitude! Let's talk and get to know each other well.
Shout-out to @Janz for the sponsorship renewal. Daghang salamat mamsh. 💚
Lead image edited from Canva
Everything will be fine soon. Praying for you💛