Nobody Knows

I was quite busy at work but really have to utilize all the time and strength that I have. It's not easy working along as the commodities rises up more. Even the basics are too high that I cannot imagine how those who have less can eat three times a day. In our household, we are five where there are three minors yet we always have to struggle each day because this year seem not so good for our company. Many workforce have long force leave and many are already finding another job just to survive. Lucky we, in our department that we still have no long force leave and have a little overtime. Because if we do like those who have less working days in a week or month then my family will surely starve.

Actually, it has been half a month that I am much worried for each coming days. I wake up and go to work just like nothing worries me. I have headaches, leg cramps and back pains going to work though refuse to disclose such manageable pain so I will not be on sick leave then. This is some scenario that pressure me more. I cannot get sick or how can we live. Hubby try some side hassle too but its too little. He cannot focus applying for a work from home set up since our youngest seem to be uncomfortable with his former nannies anymore. We try to convince him that we have to let him be watch over his former nanny and family members while we are working. Though he cries a lot and said we never love him. I cannot overthink that he might had some bad experience there before. So I just want to think of another way for us to have another income.

Another worries I have for days is our meal. I know I can have a good lunch at work since we have free rice and cashless pay for some food. Though at home, we hardly cannot buy a meal for a few days. We have been trying so hard lately just to survive a day. Thank God we still can eat three times a day even just having a rice and some moringa soup every meal.

Today my mother message me that my father needs some doctor's attention. He has prostate and it's been a while since his last check up. Mom, ask my help too but I cried secretly that I cannot do anything this time. I wanted to help but I need to prioritize my own family too. When I got my mother's message after eating lunch, I just stayed quiet at work until my shift ends. It's like I am soon to burst out my feelings yet manage to stay still.

However, what makes me more worried is for tomorrow to come. My second child will have his first communion tomorrow. They have to wear white and blank pants. Yesterday until this afternoon, I keep looking and asking to some friends and colleagues so I can borrow for my son. Luckily, hubby already got one and we are so thankful so we just have to worry for the black shoes then. But then again, our last penny need to be use to buy rice and drinking water for tomorrow. So I worried for our fare going to church again. Right now, my last option is to withdraw my $2 so we have some penny to use for tomorrow. I really wanted to cry and cry but I know it won't help. If I stay more affected then how can we get to survive today? I know it is really difficult and too much to handle, though in every hope I know there are possibilities. We just have to hang on more, life is hard and harder if we just let it be.

Ending Thoughts

Today I am really broke and nobody knows how hard I am feeling. It's me working with a heavy loads, heavy heart and overloaded thoughts yet nobody knows. I tried and tried but have been decline and set aside. It hurts but it hurts more if I see my family broke too. So please help me again pray this time, I know it is more powerful when many shared their prayers. I know because the last time I did, a miracle came to put a smile in me. And that was after I prayed and others too.

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