Do You feel the same?
My brain has always mind on its own, I can`t control it and it want to control me, it want to burst and sometimes it want to shrink, sometimes its full of candies and rainbows but sometimes its full of fire and rain. There were days when I wake up, I don`t want to get out of my bed. I want to stay there and starve my self to death and to make it easy I want to put a pillow in front of my head until I suffocate and hope for the best. I think that whenever I stand I`ll fall to the ground and sleep there and by the time I woke up, I`ll just close my eyes again and feel the vibration in the ground and hope it will clear my head. I want to lay at my bed the whole day and think how my life is going. I want to think about the wrong choices I committed, all the time I have wasted, all the moments I regret that it ever happened and all words that I said. I want to lay at my bed until my roof came off and the four walls of my room falls on me.
I can`t think of anything else, I just think how the world will end or how can I end it. I feel so useless and numb, terrified, and horrified. I`m afraid to read some news or open any of the social media platform because I`m afraid it might break me. I just want close my eyes and wait for the end. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, what is happening? Or why?
When this feeling start to destroy me, it gets harder and harder to walk out of it as time past by. The more I push myself to step away, the more I get pulled. I don’t know what to do, so I just embrace it until it’s gone. It feels like someone is holding my neck and if I move my neck will break, it feels like something is on the top of my chest and I can`t grab it to put it away. It feels like I`m in a tag of war against my demon and what if I lose?
By the time I have the courage to get up of my bed it takes till afternoon. I will force my self to eat, shove a whole piece of bread into my mouth and force myself to swallow it. And every time I do that it’s like I want to vomit, but I have no choice but to do it. And I think it is a big step for me.
After I eat, I listen to some music, I`ll search some good music or play my playlist. Every time I hit the shuffle button it landed to good tract. And it make it worse, even a happy lyrics of the song makes me want to cry, even the meaning of the song is about hope I will interpret it in a different way. It goes on and on until I cry out the last drop of my tears.
I go back to my bed until the day is finished. I just lay there until the room get dark and I will fell assleep. I can`t seek help cause I know they can`t understand me. They will think I`m going crazy and I`m falling out of my own mind. No one will understand so I`ll just endure it until I die.
I wonder how many people feel the same way, and how can they snap out of it or did just they snapped and break? I wonder if they survive just like what I’ve been trying to do for so many years or did they just let go? I wonder did the pills work or did it just make it worse. I have many questions I want to ask but it will just make it worse. Now I`m awake and I`m driving the wheel, my demon is in the back waiting for an opening. How will I defend my self to an enemy I don`t even see? How can I win a fight that I know will never end?
“It`s hot, It`s cold I don`t know what I`m feeling, It`s dark I can`t see, can you please help me?”