The Dark Thoughts Of A Schizophrenic In The Dark Night

4 34
Avatar for Lucifan
2 years ago
Topics: Life

It's midnight as at the time of writing. I can't really sleep. Insomnia and Schizophrenia are often associated with each other. There's just the associative function. There's never been any real proof of casual function. Although I'm back to my drugs, it's still pretty hard to fall asleep under the conditions I find myself. The weather is insanely hot. Then there are the roaches that keep disturbing me. The roaches are probably here because of the crevices in the house I'm staying.

I've always been a troubled kid if you like. Not troubled as in stubborn. In fact, on the contrary, I was always the gentle one. But everyone has his demons. I've always been the one aloof. Always finding a reason to be alone. Always seeing things differently than most people. Long before my first episode, I picked up my pen and wrote down the following lines for no reason -or at least reasons unclear to me now.

"I have walked all the known paths of pain

I bask in the glow of shame and hatred

I have born the mark of cain

And visited places even fools consider sacred"

As far as I can remember, that would be my first attempt at just random writing. I would remember these lines forever. Getting schizophrenic just gave the whole write up more meaning. It just then started making sense that I would claim I had been through a lot. But I'm actual fact, the illness was as a result off having been through a lot in the first place. Very ordinary things happened to me, but the way I interpreted them and reacted to them was probably unhealthy. I really had no one to talk to growing up, and I was mostly my own best friend. I started reading since I was very young. I read anything that interested me, which was indeed almost anything. I finished most of Shakespeare's popular works at 12. I enjoyed ancient English at the time. I enjoyed learning ancient words. I enjoyed the stories. I've always loved good stories.

The books I read were my companion. The books mostly talked about being logical, and it registered in my subconscious since I was young that emotion was the enemy of logic. So I learned very early on not to get angry, or get sad, or do things that would be considered illogical. As soon as I started feeling any of those things, I had a bunch of things that automatically came to mind to alleviate such feelings. I was always a strong willed choleric. With the will of a choleric and the smart of a melancholy, mastering my emotions was no big deal.

At the time, I was young and while I was intelligent, I had the limitations of a child. I didn't know emotions were there for a reason. I trusted myself never to crack. I interpreted "cracking"then in a different way. If for example, someone had been holding his anger in for long, and he had a sudden outburst where he overdid something, then I would have said he cracked. This was my only meaning. This never happened to me. Once I was being wronged, I did the logical thing and withdrew from those doing me wrong. To my mates then, I was -as they would say- "keeping malice". I simply didn't care. I was in my own world and all that mattered was me. I didn't have enough then but since I never asked for help, I was looked at as stingy because they thought I had and wasn't sharing. I never offered anyone explanations coz they simply didn't matter. I didn't need them for anything.

I grew up being the aloof one. Somewhere down the line, as a result of the materials I consumed, I learned to have high moral standards. The things that stood out to me the most in the novels were the various ways the major powerful characters I liked in the novels were very humane. I remember macros in Raymond E. Feist's a darkness at sethanon. I referred to him as a god!!! He was so powerful and he was immortal. When someone else got almost his level of power, he asked the person to be nice to those around them, to teach them and make them powerful, and also teach them kindness. I remember Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter books. He was always humane and down to earth even though he was the god of that universe. He would stoop so low and apologize to insignificant Harry. He probably taught me what I know about having faith -absolute faith-in a person. I learnt from him that you don't have faith in those who have proven themselves if not it won't really be faith. It'll probably be knowledge or something else. But when you put total trust in someone who appears to be nothing, only then can you truly say you have faith. His faith in Snape and Harry to me was just insane and -especially because it was-unfounded. And then the fact that Snape turned out to be a major and powerful hero in the end Just made it more appealing to me...

I didn't see my heroes as petite who would cry or do something rash out of anger. So I always tried to be like them. This is a possible reason I turned out schizophrenic according to experts. They believe holding everything in would have adverse effects in done was or another. They believe there should always be a release.

I remember when I was young. My parents were always say logger heads with me. I didn't -and still don't-like house chores. And my mum was an insatiable perfectionist. Looking for the most minute flaws in your work. It was hard living with her. I never really talked back, but I would get to my room and the only thing I would say was "when I finally leave this house, I'll never come back". I only started talking back when I grew up. Mostly after my diagnosis... It was too late.

I noted earlier that normal things happened, and I interpreted differently. Well, this is one such instance. Everyone has problems like this with parents. But I knew I must do the good thing and lay low. Not talk back. So, despite what I was feeling, I'd do the logical thing and keep quiet even when I was really hurt. Today, it's been about a year since I've gone home. And I can confidently say that in the past I've taken the option of hunger, sickness, and loneliness over going home. Everytime I've met myself home, it was because I had no option. In fact I had a better job offer waiting at home, but nothing in me wanted to every see home again, so I stayed here. Despite the support I gain from my parents, I still eat once a day a lot. Almost every time I get broke and I never even think of going home.

I stay awake at night thinking of how to make my life better or just playing cod, of clash royale done I can no longer prescribe at night because the neighbors are complaining.

I'm happy to have you guys on my side. I know with your help, I would be fine in time. Take care of yourselves and watch your mental health.

(:

7
$ 4.12
$ 3.99 from @TheRandomRewarder
$ 0.05 from @Alther
$ 0.05 from @Lucifer01
+ 2
Sponsors of Lucifan
empty
empty
empty
Avatar for Lucifan
2 years ago
Topics: Life

Comments

Stay blessed dear. I have seen one of my close friend's cousin having those issues of schizophrenia. Really sad.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Thanks lucifer... It's been long since I had a full blown episode,,, but it's only because as soon as I start to relapse I start using my drugs again... I am sorry about your friend's cousin... Please tell him to keep using his drugs... He's lucky to have you close to him... (:

$ 0.00
2 years ago

My dear friend, I am sorry for you that you are suffering from this disease, but how good it is that you are aware of yourself, and you try to save yourself from it, your words and sentences were very beautiful and I really enjoyed it, it is clear that you are an introvert, And you have read many books. Be healthy.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Thanks!!!!! You're awesome!!!!! I'll do my best...

$ 0.00
2 years ago