Freedom

"Have you ever wondered to break free from all the chains that's been holding you back? Did you tried to run away from everything that's been caging you for so long?"

"You should sit tight. Feet on the ground and do not interrupt when the elders are talking."

"Yes, papa." the little girl answered softly.

"And when there's visitors coming you should be in your room. Do not wander in the house."

"I understand pa." she mumbled silently.

Those words you said to me when I was little imprinted in my young mind that I should be prim and proper in everything I do.

You see, I grew up in a strict father but also in a loving mother. I looked up to my father as someone who disciplines us on how we should talk, act and behave in ourselves especially when people are around. Maybe because he has a Spanish blood that made him to be strict. He got it to his mother who is half Spanish. Don't know the relevance into that but maybe there's a factor in it resulting him to be super strict in handling us when we're kids.

Alongside my father would always be my calming and sweet mother. From the strict rules implemented in the house like no talking when eating, no shouting or yelling and even when we laugh should be in moderate, that's how hard we raised as kids. My mother would always let us play outside when my father is out to work. She would let us experience the childhood we should enjoy. She's like the balance we need for us to grow decently.

"As the eldest, you should take care of your two younger siblings. In any form, you should help them when they're in need."

"Yes pa." she answered politely.

At a young age, you've given me a responsibility so big my little shoulders almost can't carry. I didn't know that time what it meant for the words you uttered. But as I grew up, I understand it, I executed it and up until now, I am doing it.

All of my siblings have their own family now. I am the only one who stayed single. Marriage and relationships scares me a bit. I am surrounded with people by broken relationships. The first example is my parent's separation. I don't believe in love yet I do believe that there's someone with the same brain wavelength that will accompany you in your journey in this world.

Our youngest accidentally got her girlfriend pregnant last 2020. At the surge of the pandemic, he made a regretful action as he said. Many sorrys have been said but who am I to be angry?Babies will always be a blessing to everyone. I just didn't talk to him for a month as my frustrations and disappointments raged. I already made plans for us both that we will build our dream house to the lot I acquired for the family. My other sibling had long left the family and started his own so he's the only one left for me to plan it with. My plans will always be for the family. But little did I know, they have their own plans that I am not included.

Maybe that's where it started. The brokenness, loneliness and emptiness I felt started there as if I'm left alone to make it come true. But in all honesty, I can't do it alone. I need someone to assist me, financially and emotionally.

The other problem I have is he doesn't have a proper job to support his family. He has this attitude that leaves a job if he disliked something or someone. I always say don't act like you're single but he's a stubborn one, always whining to our mother. And then my mother would always say, only this time I should support him because he can't do it alone. So many this times, that I am beginning to get tired and irritated. So many chances that's been wasted by such nasty attitude.

Oh God, how can I escape from this responsibility long ago I have been bestowed? My patience is wearing thin and my understanding heart is growing cold. I don't mind about money I spent on them but please let them realized I have my own life and dreams to fulfill. My world will not be forever revolve in them. Gradually I will take a different path like they did and fulfill my fate. How long should I be understanding in my mother's woos for me to help them? How long should I be trapped in this situation I never wanted to have?

And like these pigeons freely wandering and flying in the street, I want to spread my wings and do the things I love to do. Soon.

Post Note

Hey there lovies!

How are you? My heads been running for some days now. So many problems arising that I want to stop. Glad I could write it up in here to minimize the thoughts from running. Lol. I'm all good though, I won't be human if I don't have day to day problems. I'm always lifting it all up to Him. ☺️

See you in my next article. 👋

Cheering you always,

LuaDesamor

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January 21, 2022 / 23:30 PH time