Things that runs in my mind

Lot of questions are running right now in my mind. Some i do have an answers but most if it i cant find an answer. Maybe soon as i continue to grow, i will able to answer all of this.

I will share to you one of the questions that i have right now in my mind. Maybe you have different answer, i respect that besides we have different perspectives in life.

1. What are the things i need to do in order for me to cope up with stress? (is it stress or depression? )

• I have this question for the past few months until now. Things became rough for me as time goes by, as i continue growing. Lot of things are running in my mind that makes me stress, people that sorround me also contribute to it. There are time that i feel my stress eats me whole, where i think to end my life. I'm having a suicidal thoughts i can't say if this is still a stress or it is now a depression, i don't know. All i know is i need to get out of this dark feeling. I want to bring back what i am back then.

Let me share you my story

I am a consistent honor student when i was in my highschool and right now i am a dean's lister. I made my parents back then so proud of me whenever they go uo to the stage to put medal on me, i saw the happiness in their eyes. I am the first born child meaning i dont have big brother or big sister. I thought my life back then was perfect not until my mother died. Its almost 2 years now when God took her from us. As time goes by i still missed her and longing for her presence. My father was there to help us and took care of us. But when the pandemic arised my father need to stay in in his work. As an oldest, the responsibilities are on me. I have 2 siblings, I am the one who take care of them right now.

As a big sister, i should be strong for them, i should make sure i provide all their needs.

Because of pandemic, we forced to go online class. The process is not smooth especially to me. Why? Because when the opening of class started back then i dont have phone i only borrowing the phone of my sister but also she is a student so sometimes i cant borrow to her because i dont want her to be absent on her class. My father brought me one so that i have mine to use during online class so im thankful.

Being a first born child isn't easy especially when you dont have parents at home to guide you. I became guardian of my siblings. We're not rich so i need to budget the money my father was sent to us. Imagine 1000 pesos in a week? How can i budget that when the price of the commodities are very high. I have tough time in dealing with this. I need to think well what to buy first. I need to make sure the money will fit to us in a week. I think of a way on how to have an extra income but cant apply for a job since im still a student and i need to take care of ky siblings. Also this pandemic stops me from having job as most of the companies need to have few employees.

Everytime i went out to go to the market, i am always worrying because i encounter lot of people and i know that this pandemic is a serious thing. I always make sure im safe when i arrived home so that my sibling are safe also i dont want them to put in danger.

So back to my question

Based on my life story can you tell why i am stress in life? Or like me also dont know why. I always think of a solutiom on how to cope up with this. I also did my research. Believe me i try to do all of it but none is successful i still feel the stress that makes me feel sad. Im okay infront of others but when im left with no one i am overthinking again. I cant help it i want to help myself but sometimes i feel that myself dont want to help me anymore. I dont want to give up for my siblings, for my father. I always think what if my mother is still here am i still be here in my situation or i am better.

Is there really a reason for me to be stress or is this made up of my mind. How can i fight with this? Should i ask for help or should i keep it to myself? Should i hide? Should i run? What should i do?

If you were in my situation do you think you can handle it?

Can you suggest one thing to me on how i can fight to this? Or any advice?

That would be a great help to me.

This post of mine was inspired by @JonicaBradley thanks to you i was able to find courage in writing one of the questions i had in my mind.